The Naked Listener’s Top 100 Lifehacks

The Naked Listener’s 100 Easy Things Anybody Over 20 Should Know

(Or everything you ever wanted to know about how to live but missed out on because you prefer to piss around with paid-for advice.)

This should keep you lot going for the rest of the week…

(All from various, various sources)

1 – 10

1. Never be afraid to ask. One answered question can avoid hours of searching around.

2. If it’s too much effort or takes too much time, there is an easier way.

3. Jailbreak your iPhone (if legal in your place) and tether it to your laptop — instead of paying extra for high-speed wireless access. Look up how to use the digital forensics and penetrating-testing software called Backtrack to get WEP keys (if legal in your place). And just ring up your communications provider and cancel your 3G plan altogether, and use Wifi on your iPhone.

4. If you’re paying for Internet access and text messaging on your smartphone or iPhone, get rid of text messaging. You can use your email to send text messages to people.

5. Instead of renting, pay to buy a home. Then fix up your home and resell it for twice the price.

6. Ride a bicycle instead of driving or paying to own a car. You’ll save money on insurance, repairs and fuel. You’ll get to exercise while you’re going places and save by not having to go to the gym.

Rider: If you have no choice but must get motorised transport, get a scooter instead of a car. The running costs and insurance are much lower. As a rough guide, a 150cc scooter gives you 6 U.S. cents to the kilometre (or 10¢ to the mile) because of using a lot less petrol in the process. Even a ‘muscle’ motorbike is economical and environmentally friendly: about 20¢ to 50¢ a kilometre for a 400cc chopper.

The Harley-Davidson Victory Kingpin: even this chopper is environmentally friendlier than your average 'green' car

7. If you want to go to the gym, go swimming instead. You’ll burn more calories that way.

8. If you have to buy a car, buy a hybrid or something that runs on electricity. You’ll save more money on petrol.

9. Invest in solar panels. The price for them has come down. Sooner or later, it’ll only be nuclear and solar power left. Stop daydreaming about the other ‘green’ power sources: there’s just not enough to go round for 10 billion people in 15 years’ time.

The Naked Listener reminisces: Alex and I have been talking about solar panels since when we were very young. We wondered, as kiddie are apt to do, why people didn’t use the Sun’s power when it’s all around us and free? Now grown-ups, we still flamin’ wondering why solar panels are still not in widespread use — in addition to where are the flying cars they promised us?!

10. Get an uninterrupted power supply device for the home. The device kicks in occasionally and will save you money on electricity. In the USA, such a device can save you US$60 a year.

11 – 20

11. Date older women. They have more experience and more money, and are less likely to leave. If they do leave, they’ll leave without ‘going ballistic.’

12. If you need to cheat on your girlfriend or boyfriend, invent a fake nickname and use your middle name as your surname (in case you DO have an encounter your real girlfriend/boyfriend while you’re with him/her). Use a fake email and a fake phone number. (Yes, cheating is expensive if you don’t want to get caught. Think Dexter on “Showtime.”)

And Hell hath no pricetag than a woman scorned

13. If you want to get a girl who is out of your league or super hot, pretend to be a Mormon or Christian or any kind of hard-to-follow religion. Go to their church and meet women there. You can be less religious later and the woman is less likely to leave you.

14. Never tell the car rental company that you’ll be going out of state or province. Say you’re staying inside the state or province, otherwise they’ll charge you interstate travel fees or taxes. Also tell them to let you use your own insurance (if you alrady have it) — more money savings.

15. Eat more complex carbohydrates and proteins instead of starchy foods and ramen. You’ll have more energy during the day and can function better. Here’s a list of complex carbohydrates.

16. If you have trouble reading books, get audiobooks and play them at 4 times their speed on your iPhone or iPod or while swimming (get a waterproof kit).

17. Do ab exercises during the day even while you’re at work. Just flex them throughout the day and you’ll be ripped much, much faster.

18. When you buy something, think of whether you’ll have it in 4 years’ time. You’ll save money that way.

19. Read blogs or messageboards for lifehack threads like this, and suck up as much info as you can. If you don’t see a lifehack thread, start one.

20. When driving on a snowy or wet two-lane highway and there are no other cars around, drive on the middle of the road, taking up both lanes, so that you have more room to work with in case you skid.

21 – 30

21. Buy stuff in bulk instead of buying it at a vending machine or newsstand. You’ll save money.

22. Do your own oil changes and tyre rotations. It’s not hard. Simply unscrew the bolt at the bottom of your car and use a large bowl to catch the oil and pour it back into the oil jugs. Just bin the jugs (no one will know). To rotate your tyres, use your carjack to lift up the middle side of your car, so both wheels are in the air.

23. Instead of investing in hard disk drives, download the application called Gmail Drives and use your Gmail account like a ‘cloud computing’ device for uploading your files.

24. Look for porn on messageboards instead of having to look for it all over the place for hours. People usually post the best they’ve already discovered. (Hey, let’s be real: porn is a fact of online life for practically everyone.)

25. If you have sensitive files (like porn!) and don’t want anyone to find it, use a file splitter (a file spanning program) to split a big file into several smaller files and upload them to your Gmail Drive account.

26. Don’t waste time categorising your porn into folders if you do save them onto your hard drive. Instead, just add tags to all the jpegs and search with Windows Search for whatever you’re in the mood for.

Rider: Windows Explorer won’t let you add tags, but will let you add ‘category’ and ‘keywords’ to the image file. Right click on the file > Properties > Summary tab. If that doesn’t work, try using Windows Photo Gallery.

Rider: Windows 7 turns the file into a hidden file when you add a tag to a jpeg file.

27. Burn all your computer files to DVDs or CD-ROMs. Buy discs in bulk. It never hurts to have backup.

28. Never buy movies. Download them from torrents. Same with music. (May be illegal in some countries.)

29. Go to parties if you’re hungry. You could live off of just party food without having to buy anything yourself. Doesn’t work long time, but every little bit helps.

30. Don’t go against masculine or feminine body stereotypes in your appearance. Besides social consequences, not being within body-type stereotypes have economic consequences. Thinner women earn roughly 15% to 25% more than chubbier women do (Judge 2011). For men, it’s the reverse: heftier men earn roughly the same percentage more than skinny guys, but earning power falls off as they become obese (ibid.).

Rider: Likewise, remain in the world of reality in the way you dress (unless you’re a movie star or rock musician or somesuch). Guys should appear masculine-looking and gals feminine-looking, although your looks don’t have to be 100% one or the other. You just need to not look androgynous. You can’t get employed if you look neither male nor female.

31 – 40

31. Think robots. Use as much automation at home as you can. For example, an iRobot vacuum cleaner that hoovers while you’re away. Time is money. In some places, it’s actually cheaper to have a maid to cook, clean and do groceries instead of doing those things yourself.

32. Men, wear boxers. Wearing briefs (known as ‘Y-fronts’ in the UK) makes your balls heat up to your core body temperature, which leads to lower sperm count and all kinds of other problems.

Rider: Tight briefs have been blamed for negatively affecting the sperm count, since they may interfere with the cooling of the testes (WebMD 2004). However, not all research has come to the same conclusion. A study in the October 1998 Journal of Urology, for example, concluded that underwear type is unlikely to have a significant effect on male fertility (Munkelwitz & Gilbert 1998). There is a reduction in living sperm due to heat, but healthy sperm output is unaffected.

Rider: If your briefs are tight, it’s the tightness that will cause problems more than the lack of cooling for your nuts. Healthy nuts require room to dangle.

33. To circumcised men, pull on the skin of your penis frequently to extend the nerves you have being removed of. For uncircumcised blokes, wash your penis frequently so it doesn’t smell like a marinated sausage.

Rider: The need for circumcision on medical grounds is a medical myth. The need has been medically debunked decades ago. Circumcision does not factually make the penis cleaner, healthier, wealthier or wise. It just makes it more susceptible to sclerosis (tissue hardening).

34. Brush teeth at least twice a day — please. Total and Crest give 12 hours’ longer-lasting protection than other toothpaste brands. Meanwhile, get an electric toothbrush, which are at least twice as effective as regular manual brushing, if not more.

Rider: Keep a toothbrush and toothpaste at the office. Be nice and nice-smelling in front your customers and colleagues.

35. A pet is a great stress reliever. If you own one, you’ll have lower levels of stress. Broadly speaking, cats and hamsters are low-maintenance pets whereas dogs are not (think of the constant training and walkies). Your mileage may vary.

36. Consider a different point of view before making a decision. Pretend you’re a different person like (say) the character Tyler Durden in Fight Club (1996). You’ll get more shit done that way, and know what you really want.

37. If you can build it at home or prepare it, why buy it? Learn to improvise.

38. “The things you own end up owning you.” Don’t be afraid to chuck out something you don’t really need. Do a yard sale or sell the crap online. If no one is buying, it’s time to give it away for free or just throw it out.

39. Eventually everything is going to be done by robots. Don’t work at a job you’re unhappy in, or doing what you don’t want to do. You get only one life, and the afterlife is still speculation. One of these days, some robot or a software program will replace you anyway (I’m serious). Study hard to become a doctor or an artist to create things or do things no one else can do.

Robovie

40. Some of the most well-known messageboards like 4chan are aggressive, but they are also very knowledgeable (sometimes more than the ‘experts’). It’s like 40,000 minds put together. Ask honest questions there, and you’ll get them 33% of the time. Sort through bullshit.

41 – 50

41. Experiment with technology to become more knowledgeable. For example, get a screwdriver and open up every electronic device in the home just to see how it works. It never hurts to have a general idea. Put them back together afterwards. I once fixed my USB hub on my monitor just by opening it up and soldering a loose connection back together. Saved me about 400 bucks.

42. Use credit cards instead of cash. (Obviously, there are dangers to this advice). Use an American Express or Discover card with 5% cashback — might as well be earning money while you spend. Always pay off your credit cards punctually — late payments are considered payments in default and that affects your creditworthiness. Be super disciplined in your spending habits when you use plastic.

Rider: I recommend having an account with E-Trade Financial Corporation (often styled E*TRADE) (NASDAQ: ETFC) or something similar: they give you free cheques and the money market works like a checking account. You’ll get interest on your money kept with them, plus you can plough (AmE: plow) back the money/interest earned immediately to invest in stocks. You can sell your stocks and use your money on the E*Trade card.

43. Never invest in cheap stocks. Invest in companies that are doing well, like Apple or Google or Starbucks. You never make enough by investing in cheap stocks and you’d be wasting your valuable ‘investment time’ with them.

44. Figure out how the food pyramid works, and stock your fridge or larder accordingly. Read the food labels, and learn to understand it. Eating too many calories makes you fat and slows you down.

45. Don’t have too many female friends. Women cost money. Have one good female friend, but keep track of how much you are spending on her. If you spend too much, it’s time to dump her. Be straightforward and tell her she’s too expensive to be around. Hold your ground and be assertive — it’s your own life, after all!

The mathematical proof

46. Get a third opinion. Don’t be pushed around anywhere. If someone is manoeuvring you into buying something or signing a contract, stop right there. In law, everyone has the right to walk away. Ask for a copy of the contract document. Read everything before you buy. Read everything before you sign. If you don’t understand, ask for an explanation. It irritates the hell out of the other side, but it’s your funeral if you don’t do it.

Rider: Ask yourself, does their verbal explanation fit in with the language you’re reading? Does the explanation seem sensible to you? If so, why isn’t that in the contract wording in the first place? The law makes no special or specific requirements that contract documents must use legalese.

Rider: If the other side are professionals, they’ll always expect you to ask questions, no matter how inane.

47. If your internet company charges you an early termination fee, here’s how to get around it. Say you’re moving to an area where they don’t service. Do a little research beforehand. It can save you hundreds of dollars.

48. When buying a motorcar, check what all the extra fees are for. There might be up to two dozen extra fees, each possibly several hundred dollars. Most of these you can avoid. Don’t buy a motorcar (used or refurbished) carrying over 9% interest rate. Don’t buy a new motorcar carrying more than 2% interest.

49. Never make yourself look like a fool. Make controlled moves when around people. More chicks or guys will dig you if you’re confident and know what you want.

50. To win at rock-paper-scissors: Before actual play, show some subliminal moves that they think you’re going to make (clenching your fist, opening your palms, etc). Make them think you’re going to show rock or paper. Women mostly throw scissors, and men mostly rock. When shaking the fist for the count, do so first and hard — makes them hesitant and they play the same moves over and over again.

51 – 60

51. Cashew nuts can help cure bacteria that causes tooth decay, tuberculosis and leprosy.

52. Prevent ingrown toenails by cutting a V shape into your toenails.

53. Here’s a neat little psychological trick — ‘anchoring mental states.’ Want to make a girl smile? Try this out. Once you get the girl talking and have her in conversation, notice her breathing pattern. Try to inhale and exhale at the same time she does. (Don’t make it obvious or it gets creepy for her. Takes some practice, so practice on friends or family first.) Next, wiggle your left hand’s fingers anytime she smiles while you’re talking to her. Eventually, you will have anchored her smile and her mental state to your finger-wiggling. Now every time you wiggle your fingers, she’ll return to that mental state and smile.

Rider: You don’t have to use finger-wiggling. You can pretty much use any subtle move. Try using the left side of your body. Also, if you have the guts, instead of creating an anchor with your own body, use hers. Touch her left should every time she smiles or laughs.

Rider: Women can use this same technique to work on guys too.

54. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…” Seriously, knowing Morse code could save your life.

55. If you park your car where you think it might get stolen, remove something small but vital, like the fuse for the fuel pump.

56. Use foam packing peanuts when setting mousetraps. Don’t use peanut butter or cheese — they will attract other insects or pests. Mice need house supplies.

57. While on a date, talk about something the girl likes. While doing so, do something simple yet mundane, like playing with the pepper shaker. Later, when you want to suggest something you may be having confidence suggesting, play with the same pepper shaker. The suggestion will link back to the thing she likes and she’ll normally agree.

58. Best way to burn fat and curb appetite: Ephedrine 20mg, caffeine 200mg and Aspirin 81mg. Take twice daily and do sit-ups, and you’ll lose weight. (Obviously, there are dangers to this advice.)

59. Secretaries. Always treat secretaries with respect and go out of your way to help them. Never antagonise a secretary. Secretaries and Admin Assistants are the gatekeepers for people and resources that you’ll need to have. These people have very strong relationships with those in charge or in positions of authority. To decision-makers, they serve as informers. If these people say you’re good, that you’ve always been great to work with, that will factor in on you.

60. When filling out important paperwork, scan it into Adobe Acrobat and use the typewriter tool to fill it out. (This is especially if you have bad handwriting.) Save the document. Now you have two things: (a) a copy in case you lose the original paperwork, and (b) if there is a dispute, a very professionally filled form can enhance perceptions of you and reduce the chance of mistakes when important data is entered.

61 – 70

61. If you have any sizeable sum in in the bank (say, $10,000), start putting money in certificates of deposit (“CDs”) that are very safe and very boring. The sooner you start compounding interest, the more and more powerful it becomes. This isn’t real investment advice, but just sensible personal money management. The CDs will pay you in the long run and help you play with debt financing before advancing to equity.

Rider: Learn to walk before learning to run. Investment skills take a long time to learn, even for the cash-rich. Boring stuff first, then the exciting stuff later. Indeed, the best investors tend to stick to boring stuff throughout their lives. Remember, high returns always, always come with high risk.

62. Slush fund: Open a bank account, put a few hundred dollars into it, then put the ATM card in a box somewhere safe (but not forgettable!). Having a few hundred bucks that no one knows about could save your life.

63. Slush fund, part 2: Stash away some handy cash in the home. No coins, just banknotes. Stash them in some kind of container (a hollowed-out book perhaps or a tin), put it in an innocuous place but always in full view (a bookshelf maybe). It could save your life.

64. Thieving money: Put couple of banknotes and some coins in a glass and leave it on top of your chest of drawers or somewhere in easy view of burglars. Thieves want it easy, so make it easy for them. It could prevent your valuables from being run off with.

65. Get the wrinkles out of your clothes by throwing them in the dryer for 5 minutes or so.

66. Deep freeze your smelly shoes overnight in a plastic bag. Bacteria that causes the smell die when deep frozen.

67. Really need to remember something the next day? Sticky note on the outside of your wallet or on your keys. Or on the clothes you’ll be wearing the next day. Or just make a list and put your keys and wallet on top of it.

Heaven help us, not like this...

68. To shat in a public restroom, first drop a big handful of toilet paper into the toilet bowl. That provides a ‘landing-zone cushion’ for your turds. No nasty toilet water to splash back on (or in) your butthole. (Be sure to save some toilet paper for the ‘mission.’)

69. Smiling suppresses the gag reflex.

70. Don’t admit you’re a virgin if you’re angling for sex. Most (sensible) people will avoid sex with virgins because they worry about them getting clingy.

71 – 80

71. To camwhores: Stop broadcasting your location and other personal information on the Internet! Remove your EXIF data from your pictures. Take a screenshot of yourself. Open your shot in MS Paint (or whatever else you use instead) and save it. This way removes all EXIF data from the image. Now you can upload it to your heart’s content. That way, no creepy faggot can do shit like using the EXIF to find your location or shit.

Cracky-chan vs. Boxxy

72. When throwing a punch, close your fist only at the very last moment. You lose a lot of power and balance if you throw all the way with a clenched fist.

73. If you’re at college/uni, do yourself a favour and google “Anki” and “spaced repetition.” Not limited to college/uni.

74. When painting with a paint roller, spread the paint out in a ‘W’ or ‘M’ shape, then fill in the rest of the space — your coverage will be much better this way. When painting a room or wall, your first gallon of paint will finish before you get to the bottom. Open up the next gallon and mix half of it with the first — the colour will turn out more evenly that way.

75. If you have a rat/mouse problem, cut soft-drink cans down so you have a 1½-inch (4cm) deep aluminium ‘cup.’ Fill it with antifreeze. The sweet flavour attracts the vermin and the poison in antifreeze kills it. Don’t do this if you have a cat or dog.

76. Order drinks from a drunk or a busy bartender at a bar. Chances are, they might forget to charge you. Even if they do charge, you can easily ditch a tab if they didn’t get your card.

77. Try bargaining with everyone. Sometimes you’ll get a cheaper price just by asking.

Rider: At a store, if you have your eye on something but it looks a bit damaged or somewhat imperfect, ask to speak to the manager and ask if he could “give a discount to offset the visible imperfection.”

Rider: Get discounts on everything. Save coupons, Get a supermarket membership. If it’s cheaper online, just get it online and have it delivered for free. Learn to be patient.

78. Getting food freebies: Write email to any major company you can think of. The best ones are food companies like Kraft, Doritos, Pepsi, etc. Say in the email that you always buy their products, but recently you bought one and it was terrible, broken, damaged or missing the product. Nine times out of 10, they’ll send you a coupon for some sort of product free.

Rider: Just go to each company’s website to get their customer relations email address. Most companies actually have a ‘Questions/Comments?” email address. Take an hour to send out about 20 of these emails to different companies — and the free crap will start ROLLING in.

Rider: Just to be sure about the legality of this advice, it is called wire fraud. In the USA, it is a federal criminal offence. In other countries, it’s pretty much the same thing.

79. You can alter your circadian rhythm (basically, your daily sleep-wake cycle) by altering your eating timetable. Stop eating during the 12-/16-hour period before you want to be awake. The moment you start eating again, you reset your internal body clock as if it was a new day and your body will interpret the time you break your ‘fast’ as a new ‘morning.’

Rider: American and Soviet spacemen were trained to stay awake for long hours by learning to ‘sleep on spec.’ Sleep 30 minutes every 4 hours (totalling 2 hours of sleep every 24-hour period), thereby giving you a cumulative 20/22 hours of wake time. Don’t break the ‘routine’ or you’ll be shattered. Sleeping on spec is really for ‘intense’ situations and emergencies.

Rider: The average human adult’s temperature reaches its minimum at about 05:00 (5am), or about two hours before habitual wake time. This is the time when you’re at your weakest and need to wrap up warm in any climate.

80. Save 10% on your earnings every day. Hammer into your head one simple rule: 10% of all I earn is mine to keep. If you can svae more than 10%, fine, but 10% is the minimum. Second most important is to make a budget and stick to it. You should have your expenses planned out for each month. Look at ways of saving here or there, such as homecooked meals or changing utility companies. Always shop around for the best deal. Give yourself money to spend for fun, but don’t go beyond that. Once you’ve got a year’s worth of savings, invest it in something. Stocks are okay, but a business or property is even better. Every rich person got there through investment. Bill Gates isn’t rich because of money he earned through Microsoft — he’s rich because he OWNED Microsoft and the company increased in value. His investment in his company made him rich.

81 – 90

81. A personal money management tip confirmed by established accounting rules: Saving money in the first three years of your working life affects your level of savings for the rest of your entire life. Don’t blow your wages every pay day. For the first year, try and save 10% of your paypacket. For the second year, 15% and third year 15% or 20%. Over those first three years, you’ll also have learnt how to save and how to spend cost-effectively.

They don't, actually

Rider: After those three years of frugality, you will have quite a lot of money — you can now at least afford to switch jobs. With some money independence, you won’t be so much under the thumb of some psychopathic boss who threatens to fire you every time you use the company washroom. You can afford to tell your boss to shove it.

Rider: It can be really hard not to spend your newly earned wages on things you like. Resist. After your first three years of working, you’ll also realise that the stuff you can now afford to buy will be better and cheaper than if you were to have spent all your cash at the outset.

The Naked Listener says: After my own first three working years, I managed to save enough to buy my own home in London. The jealousy on my friends’ and colleagues’ faces was priceless. To own your own home is the best-possible independence a person could have.

82. Learn how to cook. Get a cookbook. The Internet is your friend and pretty much the biggest cookbook you can get.

83. Duct tape holds the world together.

84. If you want a girl’s company really bad, ask her out in such a way that she can’t say no. “In front of a lot of people or maybe even her parent.” She’ll see that you have insane amount of balls, and her parents will also appreciate it. (Your mileage may vary according to your personality and location.)

85. Buy Japanese cars. It’s not a question of patriotism — it’s practical economics when making a living is getting harder by the day. Japanese cars are less likely to break down. Hondas and Toyotas can go for 300,000 to 400,000 miles (roughly half a million kilometres) before they bite the dust. That’s nearly 15 to 20 years of extensive driving.

86. Brunettes are usually bitchier than blondes. Blondes are easier-going and easier to get along with. Just something that’s noticed by many. Go figure.

87. Get a capture card and just watch TV on your computer instead of having one big machine for watching TV and one for doing computer stuff.

88. Two computers in one: Get a Mac notebook and use Boot Camp to put Windows on it if you need it. (Boot Camp is a utility included with Mac OS X 10.5 ”Leopard” and 10.6 ”Snow Leopard” operating systems.)

89. Schedule every part of your day in Outlook Schedule and then sync it to your phone. Your phone will beep whenever you’re supposed to do something. You’ll get more shit done that way.

90. Don’t buy used Nintendo 64 (“N64″) games — ever. Get a USB controller or use your PS3 controller and download the ROM for N64.

91 – 100

91. Have an emergency food kit in your car or home as well as a few jugs of water at home or one in your car, just in case. One gallon of water per day per person. Err on ready-to-eat food than those that require cooking.

Doesn't have to be this much, but...

93. No eating 2 hours before any singing or speech. You’ll end up belching at some point. On the other hand, do eat before playing any wind instrument — it won’t hurt your performance and you won’t belch.

92. Always have spare clothes in your car or the office. Not a whole wardrobe, mind you, but just extra shit to change into. Yes, I’m talking about everything: shoes, shirt, underwear, socks and pants. Overalls for repairs seems the least you should have in a car.

The average person's wardrobe costs US$3,814 to replace!

Rider: By the way, for insurance purposes, you’d need to open up your wardrobe and assess the cost of a new change of clothes should that ever happen. Get an idea how much your wardrobe costs.

94. Keep your cards separate from your cash. Use one of those nondescript plastic cardholders to hold your identity card, credit cards, ATM cards, insurance card, etc. In a stickup, you’d only lose your cash. Losing your cards and other personal effects is much more troublesome.

Rider: If the stickup artist demands to have your cards, say “I don’t have cards anymore! The court declared me bankrupt a week ago! What you see now is just a front, man!”

Rider: Or if you’re with a lady or a guy, say, “She’s [He's] also a bankrupt I met in court a week ago! Please give us a break here! We have no bank accounts or cards anymore, and we’re legally fired from our jobs!” Which is true when a court declares you bankrupt.

95. Get a thickish notebook and write everything factual about yourself (and only yourself) in it.  A blank, out-of-date diary will be fine for this purpose. This is your ‘zero book.’ Enter factual details about yourself as they occur or take place. Neatness is desirable but not essential; the details are more important. Cross out entries that don’t apply anymore. This is not your diary — it’s your doomsday book in case something untoward happens to you. Keep your ‘zero book’ safe, maybe even secret.

Tip: Write a note of your zero book’s location and seal the note in an envelope with the words “To be opened only in an emergency or on death” and place it in a drawer. Your doomsday book will help your successors not end up in a wild goose chase looking for your details.

Rider: What factual details? Your full name, birth certificate number, past and present addresses, jobs, parents’ details, siblings, spouse and children, credit card details, bank accounts, insurance, online accounts (and their passwords), medical details and everything else, as and when they occur or take place.

Rider: If a fixed book doesn’t work for you, try a ringbinder like the Filofax — but get one with big rings to hold lots of sheets.

96. At some traffic lights are pressure sensors embedded in the ground to alert the lights that there is traffic waiting. Usually, a narrow strip of asphalt about 5 inches wide on the ground indicates where the sensors are buried. Rock your car back and forth over this narrow strip to simulate vehicles stopping at the light — voila! the lights change.

97. How to figure out if a girl likes you even if you don’t really get to talk with her: You don’t have to talk to a girl to know if she likes you or not. It’s moderately easy to find out.

• Watch her body language: how she reacts to you as you go about your business, walking around the room, reading stuff, etc. Watch if she glances at you. Watch if you looks like the intention of talking to you as she approaches you, but stays shy of actually talking to you.
• Notice how she dresses when the both of you are around. If she dresses up, chances are she’s interested in you. Girls often dress better if they’re interested in the men around them. It’s a girl’s way of getting attention from men.
• Watch how she reacts when you talk to her. If she lets you into her ‘personal space,’ chances are good. If she doesn’t shy away from you, that’s probably another good sign.

98. The fastest way to build rapport with another person is to mirror their actions. This is because 55% of communication is non-verbal and 7% verbal (which leaves 38% indeterminate). Remember how George W. Bush and Tony Blair both looked the same, dressed the same, talked the same and acted the same as each other back in 2003 when they started the Iraq War? Enough said.

99. Relationship advice: The secret is keeping them interested. I’ve seen guys talk to girls (and vice versa) after meeting them for the first time, and they go on and on spewing out everything from their childhood to their political opinion. Keep yourself veiled a little. Take it easy and don’t rush to answer everything. Make it a game and keep her/him interested. If she asks what you do for a living, don’t rush to answer, clever guy. Conversations like that don’t interest a girl (or a guy). They’re begging for a guy who’s man enough to f@#k them. They’re begging for a gal who’s chick enough to let you f@#k them. Either way, they’re just like you. Instead of answering point blank, just slowly, easily, laugh. Just laugh. Practise your laughs in private, for pete’s sake. Make it as easy and charismatic, carefree and confident as you could manage. Say something clever. Tell her/him she/he wouldn’t want to know what you do for a living and “besides, a job doesn’t define me as a person” — another mystery to keep the ball rolling. Keep pulling her/him towards you mentally and slowly wrap your tentacles around her/his mind and heart. It’s not that hard, people!

Your mileage may vary

100. To hasten the onset of night vision, close your eyes tight for about 20 seconds.

BONUS

101. Get fit. It probably won’t prolong your life, but you’ll certainly die better. Decrepit people usually die in great distress.

ULTIMATE LIFEHACK

Become ‘alpha.’

"Fake it till you make it" (or feel until it's real)

The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011.

Images: ‘Never be afraid’ quote via ProfileBrand ♦ Motorbike via Discarded Crew ♦ Defaced car via Life Is A Joke ♦ Porn Folders via c4c ♦ Toothpaste cross-section via Hurricane Vanessa ♦ ’Stand Back I’m Going to Try Science’ via Indefatigable ♦ Women = Problems via Shanghai Stuff ♦ ’Tired of Getting Pushed Around’ record (1988) via TechnoDisco.net ♦ ‘Hatred is…’ via c4c ♦ Booksafe via Diversion Safes ♦ Post-It via Lifehacker ♦ Cracky-chan vs. Boxxy via c4c ♦ Bargain Basket via Jojojoson ♦ Body clock diagram via Ditch Diets Live Light ♦ Money tree via c4c ♦ ‘Silence is golden’ via Neatoshop ♦ Blondes vs. brunettes via Fashion Forward ♦ Emergency food kit via Mike McGinness Insurance Agent ♦ Wardrobe via myinances.co.uk ♦ Relationship Advice via Wallpapers-Place ♦ Alpha Male Fail via c4c ♦