Do this if you should get fired: A lifehack exclusive (3/3)

From Part 2

(This finale is a bit late because of being held up by work.)

When you’re fiftysomething like Råtta, losing your job is no joke, especially in a raw capitalist toilet city like Hong Kong.

We give you two final protips and then we’ll take questions.

* * *

AN ‘ALPHA’ PROTIP

When you’re on the chopping block, so to speak, develop an ability to “have it inside you” to “have it in for them” to save your skin.

They’re hosing you down* and giving you the finger**, and that ain’t a shower and a massage.

An alternative 'finger'

* In the American journalistic meaning of ‘to try to stop people from believing in something that may cause problems,’ of course. But you’re free to interpret the phrase according to its more ‘usual’ meaning, namsayin’?

** Meaning a finger pointing at the exit door, but you’re free to interpret the word in its ‘usual’ meaning.

You get one life, and one life is all you got. Why should other people get away with your bad behaviour that you are too gormless to carry out?

Yours truly here is actually a Type A personality, though you probably wouldn’t think so looking at the way I mostly carry on. Many crap situations just aren’t worth the firepower, and not worth ‘the stretch’ in the brig to take things to the next level. I’ve learnt from a young age that polite aggro hurts a helluva lot more than brute-force hacking.

I just lurve seeing people with either faces that have gone pale or clenched fists with white knuckles. Heaven knows others have caused me to have both plenty of times.

But if you let crap people tread all over you (or anyone else), the our gods/Jesus/Buddha/name your favourite deity died for nothing.

Nothing personal, it’s just karma.

*

THE ‘BETA’ PROTIP

Youthfulness is always desirable, especially in old age. (English adage)

Another thing — are you good for your age? There’s an old saying that you should keep yourself in tiptop form even at 60 because you’ll never know when you’ll have to crank up firepower in competition with the young’uns. If you’re a bleeding physical wreck, then life’s gonna rough you up.

Develop an ability to make yourself youthful — even if it’s just doing small tricks to your overall looks. Look smart and lively. I don’t even remember how many times I’ve said this.

It's not that hard, you know

To make yourself look a few years younger isn’t trying to ‘flash’ or ‘glam’ or about some crazy psychological hankering for one’s lost youth.

Honestly speaking, at age 50 or more, you’d probably have forgotten nearly everything about your own youth.

We’re living in the 21st century now. You’re not in Kansas anymore. Looking more youthful is a practical equaliser. I’m telling you, man, ‘old’ is denigrated as society’s flotsam. Oldies are practically and instantaneously replaceable by all manners of young cattle now overpopulating our sordid little world.

Try these for size (from easiest to hardest to carry out):

1. Change (or merely adjust) your overall wardrobe (easiest)
2. Have gorgeous locks (depends if you have hair left)
3. Dye your hair 50% closer to ‘natural’ colour (or blondify it if all grey)
4. Eat for a beautiful smile
5. Protect your body from sun damage
6. Form healthier habits
7. Keep your brain sharp: play anti-ageing brain games
8. Learn new technology, even if you hate and detest it
9. Learn expert makeup (and makeover) tips
10. Understand health news and shift through the BS about anti-ageing
11. Create your own anti-ageing product arsenal
12. Love your heart (hardest)

Average lifespan worldwide keeps rising. Company retirement age constantly lowering. The government keeps jacking up the social security retirement age. Ageism more and more pronounced by the year. Prices rising, incomes falling, jobs disappearing. Ad infinitum, ad flamin’ nauseum.

The worldwide average births-to-deaths ratio is 100 to 1.2 — just how are YOU going to feed, clothe and house your 50-year-old self over the next 15 to 40 years when there’s 100 babies born for every one person + one leg dying, huh?

What else, what bloody else, I ask you, could anybody do other than try and look a bit more sprightly?

Nothing personal, it’s just me.

I said ‘younger,’ not brain-damaged…

* * *

QUESTION TIME

What the hell are you so worked up about, man?

Are you 50-ish, with a mortgage still to run for 15 years, with a miseducated kid who’s too old to spend little but too young to work? If not, then you can’t even imagine Råtta’s predicament.

‘You would rapidly change your mind if it happened to you.’
(English maxim)

But businesses are not in the charity business. Businesses must have freedom to hire and fire as they see fit.

Are you asking a question or just stating the obvious, Captain Kangaroo?

This isn’t about freedom to hire and fire, nitwit. It’s about how to face immediate termination of employment.

Get a job yourself! You’ve obviously never worked before.

Why the advice for causing unpleasantness? They said they’re going to pay her entitlements. You’re teaching people to cause trouble.

My father once wrote in his book, “Hong Kong is the American Dream that America had always wanted.”

Translated, it means Hong Kong is 10 times more capitalist (and capitalistic) than the good ole’ USA. Employers are legally free to cause and watch you squirm, writhe in pain, rot and die.

Employer's finger

Our esteemed government compounds the harshness by invariably siding with employers at the expense of employees on the excuse that employers are ‘investors in the economy.’

Translated, that means everybody else is just fodder or flotsam. (That’s insulting, srsly.) And then ‘they’ complain why people are no longer obedient and submissive or ‘know their place.’

The Labour Department issues various guidebooks on employment matters, but they’re mostly useless. They lift big chunks of the law word for word so unless you’re legally trained, you don’t know what you’re reading.

Our phantasmagorical Labour Tribunal actually bars the use of the phrase ‘non-payment of wages’ (an internationally used term) and instead invents the more innocuous phrase ‘delayed wage payment.’ I actually know people who’ve had wages ‘delayed’ for literally 10 years. Our statute of limitations on civil claims is six years — Sayonara! to those ‘delayed’ wages, baby!

If something simple like that happens, what kind of help can we expect?

Unless you live here, you pseudo-liberal-leaning neoconservative fascist commie, you know fo’shiz jackass about being out of work here.

Wot now with Råtta?

I hate to be blunt, but when you hit 50, life ain’t worth living, job-wise speaking.

Råtta’s 50-something and highly unlikely to find another job that pays HK$14,000 a month (US$1,805 or £1,150).

(See what I mean? These people just don’t make an impact on any kind of bottom line, not even after factoring in that holier-than-holy costs of employment excuse concept.)

Cost of employment … costlier than the
golden parachutes for your managers?

Did she know this was coming?

Since the company closed the downtown office last year, Råtta said she felt things wouldn’t be turning out right for her. Hard to explain. The bosses didn’t speak to her in their usual manner. Job duties became odder and odder. The ‘feel’ at work was all wrong, she said.

Truth be told, I had this bizarre dream three or four nights ago about myself getting the pink slip — a job I had in real life 15 years ago. My hunch: the dream was about Råtta’s job instead.

(Yes, I sometimes dream about other people and their goings-on, even when some of these other people aren’t necessarily close to me. Peculiar that, isn’t it?)

Who’s taking over her place?

Gunga Din for all we care.

Råtta’s company is profitable, but the holding company up top is bleeding like an over-menstruating woman on blood thinners.

(So profits are for corporate menstruation…)

Seems like Queenie (a new hire) will be shoehorned into Råtta’s job. But Råtta said Queenie’s getting on in years (nearing 50) and probably won’t be able to handle the ever-increasing (and essentially pointless) workload generated by the four infighting brand and sales managers. The Old Man doesn’t give a toss because he’s way past retirement (70-something) and planning to live the sweet life someplace else.

Methinks the same fate will befall on Queenie, and that too ain’t nice.

* * *

A FAVOUR, IF YOU PLEASE

If anyone is interested in hiring Råtta, contact me on this blog
and I’ll send you her details.

* * *

Thank you

Please leave comments for Råtta’s sake.

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© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012.

Images: Dislike button via Digital Trends ♦ White Knuckles (modified) via XyFace ♦ Looking younger via Garmahis ♦ Employer’s finger via NITP ♦ Tips via The Independent ♦ Pink slip via Homeowners Insurance.

Do this if you should get fired: A lifehack exclusive (2/3)

From Part 1

So Råtta’s got the sack yesterday on the highly popular excuse of cost-cutting — which I don’t believe for one goddamn minute, even with my highly fragmentary understanding of how her company works.

We continue with more protips on how to face an immediate termination of employment when there’s pronounced ageism in the jobmarket and you’re 50-something, lumbered with a 15-year-long mortgage and a badly schooled half-grownup kid who can’t enter the workforce yet.

(It’s not a happy story, but please do leave comments. For Råtta’s sake if not mine.)

… but only if it loves you too

* * *

It’s not meant to be usable, idiot

3. Råtta was promised a reference letter in due course, spelling out her ‘duties’ etc.

Remark: Some employers (yours truly included) are just plain mean and nasty. They compose a reference letter that basically says everything wrong about you without being defamatory — or factual. You end up with an unusable reference letter. Don’t let this happen to you.

Example (as happened to me before):

“[The Naked Listener] was employed by our Company between 5 BC and AD 375 in the position of Inquisitor Captain-General. His duties were [etc] and he has shown to have a knowledge of English…”

A knowledge of your mother!

I’ve been speaking English since before your miserable existence on Earth even started! You, as a native English speaker, couldn’t even speak native English.

See what I mean about an unusable reference letter?

Protip: This is why I keep telling people till I’m blue in face to actually draft up a reference letter or jobsheet soon after starting employment. Add in job details etc as you go along. We all getting fired sooner or later, and when that one fine day comes, you’ll at least have something to show what you’ve actually f@#king done for the ingrates. You cannot, must not, should not rely on Human Resources after the fact — they’re mostly too incompetent to work out their own jobsheet because of the office infighting they’re usually involved in. I speak this as an employer myself, you stupid runt. Nothing personal, just a business decision.

Protip: They’re NOT going to honour the crap reference letter! It’s only documentary evidence that you’ve worked there before — nothing more, you moron.

*

They’re just promises

4. Råtta said the termination pay will be credited to her bank account by [date].

Protip: If your continued or prolonged presence is somehow ‘unrequired’ for them, then their continued or prolonged termination procedure is likewise ‘unrequired’ for you. Your request for immediate fulfilment of termination entitlements is YOUR reasonable step to ensure THEIR efficient tying up of loose ends and yourselves’ mutual cooperativeness. Nothing personal, just a responsible business decision. Karma’s a bitch, right?

Protip: The moment you get your pink slip, they’re no longer your employers. They owe you a debt, legally speaking. They gave you only a verbal promise of termination payment, etc. A company that requires your immediate departure whilst apparently able to pay termination entitlements cannot reasonably be expected on the balance of probability to fulfil promises made to you. Request for immediate fulfilment of termination entitlements is reasonable under the circumstances. I do believe it’s called quid pro quo, wasn’t it? Nothing personal, it’s just responsible legal practice.

Protip: Whilst you accept their promise at face value, you are taking circumstantially reasonable steps to ensure the entitlements are received and not just receivable. The fact of requiring your immediate departure can be construed as their possible attempt to delay or avoid (or even inability) to pay entitlements, even whilst measured against your admittedly incomplete understanding of the company’s overall internal situation. Nothing personal, just responsible business decision. Karma’s a bitch, right?

*

‘Don’t make trouble’ is rubbish

5. Råtta didn’t want to cause a ‘scene’ by hanging around the office any longer than necessary.

Remark: No kidding — as if anybody wants to hang around for senti-bloody-mental reasons. Don’t ferkin’ make it easy! Telling you to piss off right away is itself on balance of probability an action designed to give you a hard time. Stop defending crap people. Aggro can be done politely too.

HDQ isn't short for High Definition Quadrature

Protip: Ditch the ‘please don’t make trouble’ mentality in situations like Råtta’s. You can’t be THIS stupid, can you? You’re being hanged, drawn and quartered! Not asking you to be rude or unpleasant, but realise you owe them nothing now. They’re giving you The Finger, so you should also to them.

Protip/remark: Their requiring your immediate termination is suggestive of a perception on their part that your continued presence is somehow undesirable. Otherwise, there should be no reason for immediate departure. And that immediate termination can be regarded as a defamatory label against you. Nothing personal, just a responsible legal perspective.

Protip/remark: Their payability of termination entitlements in lieu of notice  is consistent with their possessing an ability to keep you on employment until the 30 days’ notice runs out. Otherwise, this reinforces the reason given above. Nothing personal, just responsible legal logic.

* * *

NOW

Put in some comments, for Råtta’s sake. It’ll be good for her morale.

THEN

Go on to Question Time on Take 3 (finale).

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© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012.

Images: ’Describing the Job’ via UCLA ♦ I Love My Job via Prof. Saleh Al-Jufout ♦ A promise made via Bankrupting America ♦ Hanged, drawn and quartered via The Pogues.

Do this if you should get fired: A lifehack exclusive (1/3)

8pm local time / 15°C (59°F) at 72% relative humidity

I had wanted to post something nice for today but something turned up that completely soured for the rest of the f@#king YEAR!

RÅTTA GOT THE SACK TODAY.

Hope what I’m about to tell you will be a lesson to all you working people out there and how to deal with situations like Ratta’s.

This is long, but I promise you, man, it’ll be worth your read.

* * *

Let the protips begin…

Råtta rang at 5.15pm saying her company gave her the boot — and leave with just 15 minutes left before the workday ends.

She’d been with the company for just over 10 years. Some of you may remember her from an earlier post.

Right now, I’m pretty f@#king upset so I’ll do this per legal markup style because I’M THAAAAAAT FLIPPIN’ UPSET!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, Råtta (Swedish for ‘rat’) is more like a hamster. Oh well…

*

Stop asking ‘Why me?’

1. Their excuse? You know, the by-now-famous (and highly insolent) reasons:

“Your services are no longer required.”

Protip: Don’t bother asking. Any excuse will do fine. If your employer gives you the boot and to leave immediately, it’s just irrelevant to ask. Karma’s a bitch, right?

Protip: Go straight to asking about termination entitlements. Insinuate a legal aspect into the situation by asking,

What will be officially recorded as reason for termination?

Will my future employers or I be able to access that reason
from the company in the future?

If that reason is not accessible, please state the reasons
for its non-accessibility.

There’s no material point in asking those questions. You’re just giving them a hard time if they should give you a hard time. But the first question should be asked, though.

Remark: Unless you start speaking ‘proper,’ I’m going to rip your tongue out and shove it up Uranus. Try:

“Sorry, man, you’ve got the short end of the stick. I’m not happy
doing this, and I hope you understand.”

Six words vs. 20 words.

So with your goddamn highflying management training and experience, you can’t even manage at least one, single, better-sounding excuse? Then what good are you?! Are you actually, really, factually this stupid???

Once I bash your smarmy little face in and let you pick up your teeth from the floor with broken fingers, I’ll say,

“Your presence has been INvaluable, thank you very much.
You are free to go. Have a nice day.”

And then I sue you for your facial common assault against my fist and a class-action suit against your mother for negligence in bringing you up the way you are.

“It’s a business decision.”

Remark: No it isn’t. Stop lying, you faggot. I’ve been making ‘business decisions’ before you were even born. A fuggin’ business decision doesn’t involve people, you maggot.

Invisible punch in the face

Råtta says the company is doing cut-cutting and shite. Yeah, it’s also called firing the low-downs to save money so they can funnel the money into their own remuneration.

Remember Lehman Brothers? Citibank? AIG? Enron? U.S. Steel? GM? GEC? Fannie Mae? Freddie Mac? Need I go on?

What the hell’s wrong with you people?

I know — hey, I’ve done that before myself. Nothing’s ever a business decision. Evah. Karma’s a bitch, right?

Protip: The excuses your employer will NEVER use are ‘misbehaviour’ or ‘inappropriate behaviour’ or ‘unsatisfactory performance’ or choose the words you like best. You get the idea. That would be an excuse you can recourse and claim against the employer for unfair dismissal. Your employer is no moron. Karma’s a bitch, right?

Protip: If you are dying to know the reason, might I suggest you ask it this way:

“Wh-wh-what’s going on here? Please speak freely, as you
are an employee just like me.”

That, my friend, should put a little squeeze on them, making them realise that, if they do dirty work, they too eventually get scrubbed.

And I’ll just leave you with these two:

Mountains never meet. But men do. (Russian proverb)

山水有相逢
(The mountains and waters will meet once more.) (Chinese proverb)

*

Out now? Then moolah now too, mate

2. Råtta had been promised the termination payment in lieu of 30 days’ notice and also the crap reference letter.

Protip: Immediate departure? Fine by me. But it also means you want to tie up loose ends up front and right now. In that case, forgive me, but I too want to tie up loose ends up front and right now. Termination pay etc right now. The accountant not around? Ring him in; do overtime. We all have to make ‘sacrifices’ at work, isn’t that what you’ve been telling us, Madam Human Resources? Karma’s a bitch, right?

Protip: Unless you get the termination moolah (‘employer’s alimony’) and paperwork done right there and then, it’ll be next to impossible afterwards. After immediate dismissal, approaching them again is arguably trespassing or even harassment. You’ll be giving them perfect bloody excuse to withhold moolah. Moolah’s the holiest thing on Earth, and everything else is infidel. You have been f@#king warned, mate. Karma’s a bitch, right?

The holiest of holies: it’s your god too if this is all they care

* * *

This is starting to get long now, so we’ll pick up in Take 2.

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© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012.

Images: Ratta doll via The Plush Palace ♦ Punch in the Face via Dark Wallpapers ♦ Moolah currency via Oddworld Wiki.

Who’s our guardians’ guardians?

DON’T IMAGINE for a minute that the people running ‘the show’ knows what they’re doing.

Or even want to be doing what they’re supposed to.

For those who didn’t get the memo, the Internet went on strike yesterday (18 Jan.) because of two pieces of legislative faggotry in the USA called SOPA and PIPA. (Google them.)

AlterNet, a news service, has just released this story:

• Irony Alert: On Day of SOPA Protests, Guy Who Authored the Bill Broke Piracy Laws on His Own Website | AlterNet | 19 Jan 2012

To cut a long story short:

• Lamar Smith is a Republican Party senator and the author of SOPA.
• Senator Smith used a photograph for the background of his political campaign website.
• He didn’t credit the photographer or pay for the use of the photo.
• He’s now an Internet pirate.
• Well done!

Meanwhile, some facts about yesterday’s protest:

• 4.5 million people signed Google’s anti-SOPA petition (via Los Angeles Times)
• Another 1½ million people or so signed other major petitions
• 350,000 people wrote to their U.S. Congress members
• 18 lawmakers reversed their decision on the proposed legislation

That’s nearly 6½ million (6,500,000) petitioners — just under the size of Hong Kong’s population, or otherwise roughly 10% of the United Kingdom’s population.

All 6½ million got was only 18 (eighteen) politicians to change their minds for the moment. That’s a piffling number.

For those unfamiliar with the American parliamentary system, judge for yourself the numbers:

• The upper house is the United States Senate, with 100 members who each serve staggered six-year terms.
• The lower house is the United States House of Representatives, with 435 members (plus 6 non-voting members) who serve each two-year terms.
• The upper and lower houses together form the United States Congress, which is the parliament of the USA.

Does this get better or worse?

* * *

“It’s like coming up with a plan to prevent teen pregnancy that includes filling penises with cement.”

— TV host Jon Stewart on SOPA, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,
Comedy Central channel (via)

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© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012.

Counterbalancing the SOPA/PIPA

BRENDAN SCOTT‘s latest post offers a constructive counterbalance to SOPA and PIPA going through the works in the USA.

• Vote STORACUTA – Stop Taking Our Rights And Calling Us Thieves Act

“There are manifold problems with the way the legalization of monopolies operates around the world.  One of those problems is the continual pushing of extremist positions on legal monopolies, [...] it would be more appropriate to propose alternative legislation as a counter balance to attempt to achieve a moderate position.”

Mr Scott is a lawyer in Australia and writes about law, free software, Open Source and intellectual monopolies.

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012.