You don’t blog? (Bonus finale)

FROM PART 5

NO, THIS IS NOT A JOKE. This is the bonus finale to the ‘You don’t blog?‘ series.

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Bonus protip:
BE NICE

Even if you’re not a blogger yourself, be nice to friends or family who are.

If not nice, at least be unobjectionable.

Just because your sneering academically inclined attitude considers blogging isn’t serious writing doesn’t necessarily mean blogging isn’t. Can you yourself put out stuff like they can? There’s your answer.

DO

Make a snack for your friend or family member while he or she is furiously whacking out a story on the filthy, cigarette-ash encrusted keyboard. The Venetian Pauper’s Blood Orange Salad comes highly recommended. At the very least, bring him or her a cup of joe and tissues for wiping tears, for pete’s sake.

Some grumpy shiteheads actually complain about being brought a snack to them because they say it’s their policy not to eat or drink while writing. Then lace their next meal with arsenic.

DO

Blog happily, otherwise it’s not worth the time and pain.

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RESOURCES

Creating image files from documents and webpages

ImagePrinter (or Virtual ImagePrinter) 2.0.1 by Ibadov Tariel
http://code-industry.net/imageprinter.php
Windows 2000 and higher | Freeware (0.9 MB download)
This highly useful printer driver outputs any kind of document (MS Word, webpage) into image format (.bmp, .png, .jpg, .tiff). Extremely easy to use: you just select ‘ImagePrinter’ like you would any physical printer.

Image viewer/editor

IrfanView
http://www.irfanview.com
Windows XP and up | Freeware (1.45 MB download)
One of the world’s top image viewers with ability to edit/manipulate images. It can also handle a variety of other tasks (special effects, reading PDFs, etc) if the IrfanView plugins (8.90 MB) are also installed.

Reading PDFs

Adobe Acrobat Reader
http://get.adobe.com/reader
Windows | Mac | Freeware (66.49 MB download)
The most widely used but it’s bloatware and the loading time is pretty long. Below are better alternatives.

Foxit PDF Reader
http://www.foxitsoftware.com/Secure_PDF_Reader/feature.php
Windows | Linux| Freeware (13.9 MB download)
Almost instantaneous file loading. Install requires only a small hard-drive capacity. (No screenshots.)

Sumatra PDF Reader
http://blog.kowalczyk.info/software/sumatrapdf/free-pdf-reader.html
Windows XP and up | Freeware (4.5 MB download)
Another small, portable PDF reader. Simple user interface and lightning-fast startup. Can read PDF, XPS (similar to PDF), DjVu (scanned documents), CHM (compiled HTML), CBZ and CBR (comic book archive) files.

Mac OS X
The Mac operating system has in-built PDF display capability, so no additional software needed.

Creating PDFs in Windows

PDFCreator v1.2.3 by Philip Chinery and Frank Heindörfer
http://sourceforge.net/projects/pdfcreator
Windows | Freeware (18.16 MB download)
A PDF printer driver to create PDFs from any Windows program. Outputs your webpage and documents to PDF. Basically, Windows will recognise this virtual printer just like any physical printer: only the output will be in PDF.

Creating PDFs in Mac OS X

You don’t need to own Adobe Acrobat. You can print documents, webpages or nearly anything else in PDF directly from Mac OS X 10.6.x (‘Snow Leopard’) without any additional software. It’s built into the operating system.

1. Open the document and press Command+P
2. Click the ‘PDF‘ button at the bottom left corner of the print dialogue box
3. Select ‘Save as PDF‘
4. Click ‘Save‘ in the save dialogue box in whatever location your want

For Microsoft Word, PowerPoint and Excel files, just open them in their own apps (say, TextEdit, images in iPhoto). Then click File menu > Print > PDF in printing dialogue box > Save as PDF > choose folder and set filename.

For printing PDFs of email messages and webpages, you must use the Safari browser. Then click File menu > Print > PDF in printing dialogue box > Save as PDF > choose folder and set filename.

Editing PDFs (all platforms)

Inkscape
http://www.inkscape.org
Windows XP and up | Mac | Linux | Freeware (35.7 MB download)
An vector graphics editor that will open and edit PDFs. Inkscape is especially useful when your PDF contains vector-based illustrations that require editing. Open Source.

Foxit
http://www.foxitsoftware.com
Windows | Commercial software
Foxit produces a number of Windows programs for reading and editing PDFs. The PDF editors there are paid programs.

Windowsfags say FoxitPro Business (a commercial program) is better than the original Adobe product for creating and editing PDFs.

Macfags disagree and say PDF Studio 7 Pro or Standard (US$85) from Qoppa Software (http://www.qoppa.com) is the PDF read, writeover and securing capabilities going, plus it runs on Mac, Windows and Linux platforms.

REALITY CHECK: Adobe Acrobat is still tops when you need full read and writeover capabilities, but the prices are just phenomenal.

Editing PDFs in Mac OS X

Preview is an app built into every Mac OS X Snow Leopard installation for displaying images and PDFs. As a PDF editor, Preview is somewhat basic but gets the job done for most purposes. It allows you to make all sorts of annotations to PDFs. You can draw shapes and write text directly to PDF files (for things like a digital signature).

Editing PDFs online

Many online PDF editors or form-fillers allow PDF editing but only let you to save non-printable PDFs. The non-printable PDFs are made printable after online payment. These two don’t do things like that:—

PDFescape
http://www.pdfescape.com
A free online PDF reader, editor, form-filler and form designer. You only need a browser. Will not handle files over 2 MB or 50 pages. The final PDF document is printable and have no watermarks.

PDFfiller
http://www.pdffiller.com
Another online PDF form-filler that can handle some edits. Printable results.

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Timeplanning

Timeplanner sheets (A4 size, designed by me)
Download here (152 kB, pdf).

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Language usage (general)

The Complete Plain Words
by Sir Ernest Gowers (1948) and revised by Bruce Fraser (1973)
(Published by Her Majesty’s Stationery Office, UK, 1973)

A classic. And miles better than Strunk & White a.k.a. ‘Struck with Fright’ or ‘Drunken Blight’ (an abortion in comparison with Gowers).

Let’s clear the air: ”Plain Words” is NOT a style guide to British English as Strunk & White is to American English, as many [American] linguanophiles (and Wikipedia) mistakenly believe. “Plain Words” is simply a guide to clearer writing, no more, no less.

Gowers wrote: ”The purpose of this book is to help officials in their use of written English as a tool of their trade.” Gower was once head of the UK Internal Revenue Board, so you can appreciate why he wanted British civil servants to express things very clearly when they had to write to the general public on a matter of high complexity to the most of us. It’s also why the book was well-received by many for general writing right from the start.

The linguistics of “Plain Words” mix the prescriptive and the descriptive, which allows grammatical extremists (meaning 99% of linguistics-trained people plus 100% of grammar nazis) to ascribe Gowers a place in the opponent camp (that is, against Strunk & White, which IS a prescriptivist guide).

(Also slotted into Gowers’ camp by grammarfags is A Dictionary of Modern English a.k.a. “Fowler’s Modern English Usage” by Henry Fowler, Oxford University Press, 1926-2009.)

Language usage (for non-English speakers)

Practical English Usage (3rd edition, 2005)
by Michael Swan
(Published by Oxford University Press, 1980, 1995, 2005)

This book sold over 1½ million copies since the first edition in 1980, so it is a major-league usage guide.

Interestingly, this is a standard reference and only one about English usage aimed at foreign learners and non-English speakers who have to speak or write in English. It gives the basics of English grammar and usage, and helpfully focuses on words that for some reason are hard to use by non-native speakers. The model is basically British English, but the author highlights some of the stylistic differences (therefore faggotry) between British and American usage (e.g. the americanised use of ‘like’ as a conjunction such as in ‘like I do’ making headway into British English).

My own opinion is that even native English speakers should read this book because heaven knows I’ve seen too many native speakers more than enough times bungle their own language.

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Anything else is just superfluous and pointless for blogging.

Whatever you do, forget the grammar, language and linguistics blogs. They’ll only make your blogging (and general language ability) worse than bad.

You have been warned.

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This 6-part series of articles was written by The Naked Listener, with no contributions from anybody other than the images pilfered (but accredited nonetheless). Any reference bearing any similarity to any person(s) living or dead or half-living or half-dead is purely coincidental and unintentional, although the possibility is enormously hilarious. And this is what a shirttail looks like. Heh.

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© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012.

Images: ImagePrinter screenshot via Code Industry | Foxit PDF Reader via Foxit Software | Sumatra PDF Reader via Sumatra PDF | PDFCreator screenshot via PDFCreator | Mac OS X Preview via Wikipedia | Inkscape via Inkscape | Everything else by the author.

A dead man’s switch for a live person

I’M ONE OF THOSE INSANE INDIVIDUALS who have a DMS post on constant standby. I must check back and reschedule it every now and then, or else things get really embarrassing or hilarious if the DMS comes out accidentally.

What the hell is a ‘DMS’?

DMS is a Dead Man’s Switch.

It is a switch that operates or activates something automatically in case the human operator has lost consciousness or died or otherwise incapacitated. It is a form of failsafe and the term comes from the locomotive industry.

Typical examples:

• an airport baggage trolley has spring-loaded double handlebars that are kept pressed to keep moving and stop moving when released
• a locomotive uses a spring-operated foot pedal that must be held down constantly or it will activate some system (such as to stop the train).
• a suicide bomb vest will detonate when its thumb switch is no longer held down, such as when the suicide bomber is killed before completing his extreme fratboy faggotry — in this case the switch is a fail-deadly.
• Wikileaks’ ‘Insurance File’ uses a software decryption key preset to release sensitive information automatically
• a gangster uses a person to blow the whistle to the police if the person isn’t contacted by the gangster by a certain time

So a DMS post is one you must reschedule forward continually to act as a public alert in case something abrupt or untoward has happened to you.

Rather important if you you live alone in some god-forsaken outback with only a sad raccoon and a diffident titmouse (a bird) for company.

If I got kidnapped or died from extreme fellatio (or both) and nobody notices my demise or disappearance, that DMS post comes out automatically.

And hopefully somebody out there will ring the police after reading it and finishing the celebratory champagne.

(Extreme what?!?—Editor)

My DMS post:—

It’s not all that crazy, if you think about it.

(You’re fired for dying on the job.—Editor)

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012.

Images: Foot pedal on 1970s train via Tran Link’s The Buzzer Blog | Raccoon via c4c.

Leave me alone with the crowd around me

AND THERE’S ALWAYS SOMEONE who had to ask that question. THAT question. You know, That Question.

If you’re young and still in school/college/uni, either you get asked That Question, or you don’t. (You usually don’t.)

If you’ve gone back to school/college/uni/studying, sooner or later (usually sooner) some bozo out there will start asking That Question out of the blue. Usually during your mealbreak.

That Question is the one question that almost instantly alters your entire perception of everybody else around you.

‘Can I move in with you and share the rent and stuff?’

Man or woman, boy or girl, bozo or bozo-ess, That Question makes you think, gee, I must be a nice, popular person, otherwise no one is going to bother to ask me.

Truth be told, getting asked That Question actually means you might just be looked upon generally as ‘a mark’ — the intended victim for hustling and sundry swindling. Good for skivving (evading, pawning) off assorted responsibility onto by your peerless peers.

I’ve been asked That Question once or twice before, so that admission alone doesn’t exactly inspire much confidence about my character. Not that I’m saying I’ve now gone back to school or anything like that — I had gone back to school before, and every time, sooner or later, That Question crops up.

How to you deal with that? That’s what a colleague’s kid, now college-aged, was hoping to find out from me the other day.

So The Naked Listener is pleased to offer this lifehack for those facing That Question:

LIFEHACK

Let’s scout out the general situation first. The first salvo to That Question is usually:

Do you live on your own? By yourself? What’s your place like?
So you get family or relatives coming over often, right?

Brace yourself. The main force of That Question is coming at you very soon now, with the most usual variants being:

Can I move in with you and share the rent and stuff? (1 above)

Can we share a place together and split the expenses? (2)

How d’you feel, say, if I move in with you for (x) weeks until
I get back on my feet and find my own place? (3)

How about you let me move into your place? I’m just
one guy/gal and don’t have a lot of kit. I only need
a bed and bathroom, that’s all, so maybe that’s alright then, okay? (4)

I’m looking for a place right now, but I would like
to live at your place instead, but, of course,
I’ll share the rent and expenses with you. (5)

Rivers begin to form on your forehead now, especially if you’re the type who tends to ‘sweat things out.’

Whatever you do, don’t answer it like this:

‘Err, sorry, I can’t. I ‘ve got these family people coming over
all the time and I need the place to put them up for.’

‘Actually, I’m not entirely living alone, ‘cos my boyfriend/girlfriend
is more or less living with me.’

‘I don’t think it’s possible, because my place is really, really
small — good for one person, really.’

‘Sorry, I’d love to, but I do lots of home entertaining,
and it’s just a bit difficult with you …’

Basically, you end up humming and harring your way out with those. Which don’t work. You’ll be pestered literally for days or even weeks with That Question. Because people who ask That Question are determined individuals.

Now, the juicy bit. This is how you should answer to stop the nonsense (in sequence, if you’re facing a really determined individual):

Protip: Don’t apologise or use words like ‘sorry,’ ‘in fact,’ ‘actually’ or the like. State things matter-of-factly.

1. “You should’ve asked earlier. I’ve already promised Harry from the [whatever] Department couple of nights ago. Do you know Harry yourself? He’s coming to sign the papers with me this weekend.”

2. “What year were you born? So you’re [age] then. That won’t do. My minimum age for shacking up with is [whatever + 7 years].”

3. “What’s your income like? What’s your job? You have a bank account with which bank did you say?”

4. “You do realise you have to sign a subtenancy with me, otherwise I’d be in breach of my own lease with the landlord. It’s really wonderful of the landlord, such a nice man … letting me sign a lease that allows subtenants … can’t ask for more from anyone … so fair and understanding of the landlord … can’t afford to jeopardise my lease, you understand … blah … blah-blah … blah-blah-blah.”

5. “Yeah, move in, as soon as you pay me the three months’ deposit that my landlord stipulates in my lease from subtenants … and I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine when my landlord gets to meet you and looks you over for his approval.”

Works like a charm, mate, works like a bleeding charm.

No, you refuse even this

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011.

Images: Upgrade Your Life via One More Coffee Stain ♦ Chick in white lingerie via c4c.

Treat normally

YOUR CHILDREN will be next if you don’t watch yourself.

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011.

Lifehack: Hecklers

HOW TO DEAL WITH HECKLERS

1. Always get them to repeat what they have said.

2. So funny or offensive when it’s repeated.

3. ?????

4. Profit!

People with snarky comments often are the most ridiculous, often to themselves. These are often people who do too much in daily life.

© The Naked Listener, 2011.