Non-idiomatic, non-colloquial English answers

Sunday 21 March 2010, 9.00am HKT

Those of us living stranded in this part of the world (Asia, that is) are more than wide-eyed conscious of the perverted and psychotic fetish among most Asians to sound like native speakers when it comes to speaking English.

So, a couple of us got talking as to the most English-sounding answers that could be had.

The hypothetical question is …

“So you wanted to leave him after that?”

The six proper and highly grammatical authentic English answers that we could come up with …

A1. Yes, I wanted to leave him very much for a long time. (Turgid but acceptable, probably Hungarian.)

A2. Yes, I really wanted to leave him for a long time. (A bit old-fashioned, for virgin ears.)

A3. I SOOO wanted to. (Throwback to the 1970s?)

A4. Did I EVER. (Chiefly London, non-Cockney.)

A5. Did I fuck-ING ever. (London, with determination to dump him.)

A6. Did I FUCK. (Totally London, especially with the educated classes.)

For those who didn’t understand answer A6, it’s a semi-contractile elided confirmatory imperative sentence structure of answer A5. Do you understand now? Do you fuck …

No, dude, homeboy lingo is like a dildo up and inside his wick. It’s brutal, man, it’s major brutal.

(20 March 2010)

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