Srsly, this is how you get your kids killed

Monday 8 November 2010, 1.18pm HKT

Kids are the joy of our lives. We love them, do everything and anything to protect them, and make sure no harm comes to them. Then don’t bleeding well have good intentions if you can’t handle the heat of protecting your kids.

PREVIOUSLY … Our heroine, Q, is in hospital detention under an administrative order in a strange land in the East Midlands region of England where the local tribal natives speak a funny language and use funny money.

It’s serious business. Srsly.

It’s 3.30 am on Monday. It’s serious business when you’re up this late (early?) because of Q.

Yes, it’s yet another TL;DR post. When it comes to anything about Q, all posts will come-ever-lastingly TL;DR.

Again, my personal and sexually uninhibited disclaimer to you, personally, is all the things written are for real, is happening right this time, and for the greater benefit of public good. Don’t farkin’ complain it’s too long. Stop watching porn for a moment. Read something for a change to feel literate.


Situation with Q


Assumption is that Q is still in hospital detention under the Section 2 Order issued under s.2 MHA 1983/2007. This is a non-renewable, compulsory detention and assessment order with a duration of 28 days. It is the most common way for people to be detained in the UK.

The formal assessment of Q under Section 2 should take place by 4th December 2010 at the latest. That will determine Q’s discharge from hospital or continued detention in hospital.

If continued detention, Q will be under a new order called the Section 3 Compulsory Detention and Treatment Order per s.3 MHA 1983/2007. This is for 6 months, renewable for a further 6 months, and after that for every 12 months. So this order is for 6 months + 6 months + 12 months, etc.

Situation with Q’s mother

Clearly, the mother is frazzled because her only child and daughter is in the shits ‘over thar.’ And like almost every Chinese, the mother is too upset, too confused and too disorganised to even understand any explanation told to her.

Current developments

Between 5th and 7th November, the mother and I exchanged email and I tried to explain mostly the legal aspects of Q’s case (all in broken Chinese). I get the feeling the mother isn’t really taking things on board because of her state of mind right now.

I get a sense from the mother’s writing that she has been in contact with the hospital or with someone ‘over thar’ but she ain’t telling me about it. I don’t understand why the mother would do something this stupid and still ask for my help: I’d be working blind.

The picture I now have is this: Around the 3rd or 4th November, it seems Q was having some sort of breakdown and was smashing things up in the house. Somebody (a neighbour?) called in the police, and they took Q to hospital for her own safety and the safety of others. The hospital staff probably made an initial assessment and decided to detain Q in hospital under s.2 MHA 1983/2007. I can’t confirm or deny this because I’ve never been in contact with anyone ‘over thar’ about the situation.

Around the 5th or 6th November, I lodged an official e-request about Q’s status at the Somewheretown Health Authority website. This is the key correct way of contact that is acceptable to the Galactic Republic ‘over thar.’ It means I don’t have a copy of the damn request for my records. I told what I did to the mother in an email. The earliest I would hear from the health authority would be Monday (today) or Tuesday.

Immediate developments

A few hours ago (7th November), I got the latest email from the mother. Srsly, was it a friggin’ bombshell! Now the mother tells me these things:

  • There is one person (by the name of M — a friend?) who has actually visited Q in hospital a few days ago. This person is ostensibly a psychologist or a psychiatrist.
  • M had tried to ring me several times but couldn’t get through.
  • A neighbour living with Q was the one who called in the cops to have Q taken to hospital.
  • The neighbour “has no time” to deal with the matter.
  • A friend of the mother’s is in London arranging something with the Embassy for Q’s return to her home country.

My immediate response to the mother’s email was:

  • If the mother already has UK-based people, those people should be the ones to help Q and not me.
  • Don’t misunderstand that I don’t want to help, but at least not let me work in the dark by withholding information like this.
  • That the mother still hasn’t given me contact details of her UK people — and this makes my task an impossible one.
  • All of her UK people must contact me immediately.


I can’t believe how ferkin’ retarded the Chinese could be.

(I could have said ‘we Chinese’ but I’m being racist here. As a Chinaman myself, I am eminently (over-)qualified to be racist against my own kind. Only ‘like and like’ can be compared, no? Meantime, I’d like to advise non-Chinese, better watch your step if I even remotely sense you are being racist. I also happen to be an English prick, even if I don’t look like one.)

Three, four days have gone by and I have to show for it is a couple of emails with the mother, trying to explain the various ramifications and possible progress of Q’s detention. All in broken Chinese, no less. It’s amazing I could even do this at all.

Even more amazing is the mother’s people on the ground in the UK. Not once have they tried to reach me.

The one single person who had seen Q in person was M. The mother says M had tried to ring me but couldn’t get through. (I can confirm that I received several incoming calls in the past few days and the calls didn’t get through.)

The part of M just fucking blew my mind away totally, and even my testicles are rolling on the floor. My eyeballs just flew out the window at high speed, killing somebody in the next building with an open window.

Unless M didn’t know my email (and I find that hard to believe since M got my phone number), I can’t for the life of me comprehend operationally, psychologically, philosophically, linguistically, emotionally, sexually, psychopathically, bukkake-ly, bondage-ly why anyone who rings anybody don’t follow up with an email in a situation like this.

What the hell did we invent email for, I ask you? Just an electronic version of snailmail? Then gimme back snailmail because I kinda enjoy showing off my stationery and legal qualifications on letterheads.

How hard is it to write an email to your fellow-helper when can’t get through on the phone?

‘Sorry, mate, the pressure’s great. Had to wank.’

For three days? Can’t you fap and type at the same time? How do you manage to watch porn on the Intarwebz? Shit, I’ve got two hands like everybody else and even I could fap, type, eat a sandwich, talk to customers on the phone and porn-surf at the same time. All in the office. Isn’t this ability what’s education supposed to give us?

FACT: The Chinese are highly strung, easily upset creatures with a penchant for compartmentalised thinking, but loath to admit this to themselves.

FACT: That characteristic is intensified in times of trouble.

FACT: Everyone notices this except for the Chinese themselves.

I appreciate parents become frazzled when their kids are in trouble and need saving. I appreciate that they are not fully capable of being objective, sensible or fast-reacting on sensing their kids are suffering. This is human nature.

I’m not like that. I have a psychotic need to win. I have an psychopathic desire to get even. I have a raw hunger for information, just like Jimmy Carter has. I have all three in times of trouble. I have a brain that tells me I need to be sensible, clear-headed and fast-reacting in times of trouble in order to survive in order to get even in order to win. Srsly, it’s serious business ‘doing the business.’ Do you know how ‘this’ shit works?

This is precisely why I hate the Chinese way of doing things. It’s never done anything right. But, what, look how we’re the engine of growth for everyone around us? Fuck you, boy, you’re wrong. Your argument’s invalid and your mother’s a crack whore. What this place did was actually the Western way. Go back to school and relearn your history, economics, sociology, politics, law, linguistics, philosophy, physics, biology, chemistry and cooking about your own country. People who think like that are unwelcomed here.


This is exactly why I feel I’m working blind because nobody told me these things. Everyone who is/might be helping is doing unknown things in a very, very compartmentalised way. Working at cross purposes gets people killed.

It is totally incomprehensible to me for the mother to say who’s been in touch with Q after 3 days of emailing back and forth. I just cannot farkin’ get my head around why I’m not told right away who’s talking to who. How come the mother just couldn’t give me the details of her UK people at the outset?

M, the psychologist/psychiatrist person, seems never have told the mother about the Section 2 Order and its implications for Q. That came only from me. This really, really raises red flags for me. It really highlights the level of knowledge of this person. Section 2 is supposed to be part of M’s expertise, but M has not shown it. I’m just a firnooking printer who’s lucky enough to have been trained in law, and even I know about Section 2. Reader, learn from this episode.

Ring someone. Couldn’t get through. Don’t be a dumbo! Follow it up with an email! Days go by and no word from the UK side. The mother never gave my email to M? Okay, I can relate to that. But why would you not ask for my email? Hello! I just cannot get my head around this, I just can’t!

The mother wants quick or even immediate results. The Chinese have a tendency to think if A can’t come up with results by tomorrow, get B to help. If B can’t do it by the next day, get C to help. Pretty soon, you have an alphabet soup of helpers doing their mighty best to help, but all at cross purposes from one another. You will see in the next part (below) why this modus operandi is highly destructive. The other extreme is to totally rely on just one person, or oneself.

Look, for Q, I want quick results yesterday, never mind today. I didn’t have the heart to ask the mother the rhetorical question, how many hours in a day has any of us got? Three or four days are lost because of inability to reach the UK helpers.

Technical appreciation

“Even in life-or-death situations, it always, always comes down to [having] the paperwork.”

(YY, 07 Nov 2010)

The mother

The mother is too upset, too confused and too disorganised to appreciate the situation. The mother probably thinks what works in the home country is going to work in England. It fucking well doesn’t. Nearly any Chinese way of doing things in England results in the opposite effect there. Almost all the Chinese I know couldn’t tolerate being told this. Well, fuck them. They’re wrong. I mean, who knows England better, they or me?

Basically, the mother wants me to just fly over and get Q back. Flippin’ hell just like that. The mother’s willing to pay my airfare to/from the UK. Even today, this is how the mother thinks despite my explanations. Why? Because the mother is told different things by different unknown people.

There are many, many aspects about the Section 2 Order that is really, really hard to explain (even in English). I don’t think a calm person is able to understand, much less the mother in her present upset and confused state of mind.

The mother says everyone at home is “scared half-dead” by Q’s situation. Well, I don’t know how much is left in your deathness, but half-dead is not a strong-enough word to describe your fear come the 28th day of the Section 2 Order, when the Somewheretown Health Authority slaps on the 6-month Section 3 Order.

The mother’s attitude seems to be like this: Let’s get this person to help. Let’s also get that person to help. Let’s get some other person to help. All at the same time. So we end up having several people working independently but not knowing each other.

The mother says she doesn’t want to complicate this matter. THIS IS ALREADY COMPLICATED ENOUGH, thank you very much. The mother doesn’t realise she is complicating the matter for her daughter.

Rationale behind Section 2 Order

From the emails, the mother is talking all sorts of shit about Q is shafted by the inequities of the system and why the UK as a country that values democracy and human rights could and is laying this shiz on her daughter.

The mother doesn’t get it. Section 2 Order is exactly Q’s human rights. This is exactly what is protecting her. It is horrible to experience it yourself like Q is, but it is better like this. (And this is not some bleeding-heart, do-good-feel-good, liberal democrat logic. I’m a card-carrying NRA member, I pack heat when I’m abroad in those countries that I’m licensed, I love Nixon, I’m okay with Bush, and I adore Teddy Heath. Go figure my liberalness.)

Section 2 Order is precisely what is protecting Q. It’s horrible, no question about that. The order is designed to prevent hospital staff from trusting others and making a mistake. Some people are extremely persuasive with little or no effort. (My mum was such a person.) Some of them are very unsavoury characters. (My mum was nothing like that.) This order stops the hospital staff from releasing Q into the wrong hands via social engineering by person(s) unknown.

Truth is, despite all the real and imagined shortcomings of the UK, that country is still 300% better in almost every possible way than Q’s home country. I’m making massive allowances for the fearful mother for taking the my-daughter-is-being-shafted line and the part about democracy and human rights.

But any calmer, cooler and more collected person taking that democracy/human-rights line is going to get two in the stomach and one in the head from me. Anyone in Q’s home country taking the viewpoint that the UK and basically the Western world ain’t as good as us ‘ovah hee-ah’ is just going to get aggravated-assaulted with intent to cause GBH.

Health Authority’s perspective

Strategic Health Authorities (England)

The mother wants Q out. We have piles of people fighting for Q’s release from detention. There are at least two people on the ground in the UK operating.

From the perspective of the Somewheretown Health Authority, this is precisely why it wouldn’t discharge Q to us because:

  1. it sees too many parties being involved,
  2. it sees we haven’t figured out a single, consistent party to lead contact and negotiations,
  3. it sees the mother’s upset and frantic state as not sufficiently “suitable and stable atmosphere” to
    discharge Q into, and
  4. it isn’t going to discharge a foreigner like Q into the hands of other foreigners whose identities and future whereabouts cannot be confidently or reliably ascertained.

Pay attention to the red words above. Especially by those person(s) who imagine their mental-health training makes them automatically knowledgeable about the system. I’m a lawyer by training and even I make no such claims, expressed or implied.

Still unconvinced?

  • Assume you’re the Health Authority.
  • We have a foreign girl with a breakdown issue.
  • We don’t know who this girl is, really we don’t.
  • This girl has no family, no relatives and no history here.
  • This girl’s problem might not be mental.
  • This girl’s problem might be from bad people feeding her drugs.
  • This girl might be a victim of possible human trafficking.
  • Okay, let’s put this girl in 28-day compulsory detention.
  • Yes, we know this is horrible for her, but it’ll be even more horrible if we release her to the wrong people.
  • We know bad people will suddenly stay away at the sight of a detention order.
  • Even if the mother comes to collect her, we cannot be 100% sure this is the real mother, so we can only release this girl to a local British resident.
    Unless someone can prove or be authorised to collect her, the girl stays with us.
  • Those who want to fetch this girl, they must go through correct procedure.
  • If they’re family or good people, why won’t they go through procedure?
  • This is how we Brits handle cases involving foreigners.
  • Oh, did say it’s the law here?

The mother thinks just because she is the mother so she could fetch Q out of hospital. There is a technical legal difficulty. I can say I’m Q’s brother/uncle/father/lover/pet/tin-can tootsie. You can say you’re Q’s sister. Everyone can say they’re Q’s family. The Health Authority (and therefore the hospital) isn’t going to FUBAR-fukkin’ know, will it?

This is why the Mental Health Act 1983/2007 mentions “nearest relative” and identification thereof (s.26 MHA 1983 as amended by s.26 MHA 2007), which the Health Authority is statutorily required to consider before discharging a patient.

Chinese language has only one (and only one) meaning for “nearest relative.” The Mental Health Act has several different meanings, and they don’t necessarily correspond in the meaning of a real blood or marital or other relative.

Here’s a simpler explanation of the “nearest relative” requirement from Mind that is more relevant in Q’s case:

2.5 If the patient has lived with any person not on the list (maybe a friend or a more distant relation, such as a cousin) for five years or more, then that person is the nearest relative.

(Legal Briefing: Nearest Relatives Under the Mental Health Act 1983,

Pay attention to the red words above. Q has no relatives in the UK. She only has friends, maybe just ‘kinda friends.’ (I contacted all her friends ‘over thar’ that I know of, and none — none! — has replied.)

If you’re thinking in a calm manner and being very, very reasonable and detached, you can easily work out that we’re looking at a possible five years before discharge. Half-dead yet?

“Sorry, we can even talk to you. You’re not authorised.”

(From law-school days)

The British deep down are nice and kind people. They do things to protect Q. Everything is for Q and no one else. Any other person is shit. The Health Authority is are going to protect Q from everyone else, even from relatives. The mother and everyone else just aren’t realising this.

FACT: The Chinese have a tendency to do things without linkage to other matters. Any teacher will be able to tell you that the hardest thing for Chinese students to do is conceptual thinking, which is why they’re so goddam bad at splash diagrams (mind maps).

FACT: They go ballistic on hearing this and at once start showing examples of conceptual thinking, which action in itself is proof they can’t handle it.

Tentative mission

So, what are we looking at here:

  • Q is detained for 28 days under Section 2 Order.
  • Section 2 Order expires around 3rd-5th December 2010.
  • Health Authority likely to extend detention via Section 3 Order.
  • Section 3 Order can be up to 6 months, therefore ending next year in June 2011.
  • If we can’t get our act together, Health Authority is highly likely to renew Section 3 Order.
  • Renewed Section 3 Order will be for 6 months, ending in December 2011.
  • If the Health Authority decides continued detention, it renews Section 3 Order for 12 months, ending in December 2012.

The tentative mission is in two parts:

(1) Let the 28-day detention run its course because there’s no way out of it now.

(2) Avoid possibility of the Health Authority needing to carry out a Section 3 Order.

Task personnel are:

(3) UK people take point as they are in the operational theatre.

(4) I advise on legal, if (and only if) necessary.

(5) Keep the mother informed regularly, but let her sweat it out with no operational role.

Coordinating instructions

Too many people are getting involved in saving Q. Three (or four if you count me too) is a helluva lot if they’re not talking to each other and the coordinating officer, as it were, is close to having an epileptic fit because of inability to ‘sweat it out.’ So:

1. Distribute all contact details of personnel among themselves.

2. Err … start talking to each other?

3. Distribute details of all persons or organisations that task personnel comes into contact with.

Even before I went to law school — in fact, when I was a little, scrawny shit of a kid even before I started school — I was able to read. I learnt that whenever I see the words ‘compulsory’ and ‘order’, they nearly always mean compliance or fulfilment of some stupid, inane, insane, expensive procedure as convoluted as the Gordian knot done up by some well-meaning evil organisation. Add in the words ‘detention,’ ‘custody,’ ‘guardianship,’ and ‘assessment’ and you’ll know they’re synonymous with ‘correct procedure.’

4. Lodge official request on Q’s status.

5. Gauge Health Authority’s complexion from its response to official request.

6. Adjust request for further information and correct procedure for Q’s discharge according to 5 above.

Whenever you’ve agreed to help on anything, be in the helping loop. All the time, every time. This is not a courtesy, it is a requirement. Stay in the information loop. Check mobile phones are juiced up. Check email all the time, whenever you can, everywhere you can. If there is a need to wank for three days solid, tell others how to reach you and if you’ll need a box of tissue, too.

7. Fixed time every day for status updates from task personnel, even without anything to report.

There is something quite fantastic I notice among all the Chinese (and also Chinese-looking) people on Facebook. Their profile pages have abso-fucking-lutely no email address. I went for a spin on Facebook just now. Altogether, I hopped past exactly 100 Facebork profiles — I ain’t in the mood to calculate difficult percentages.

  • 100 Facecrook profiles sighted.
  • I really did go to 100 profiles, just to prove a point to myself.
  • I have a hand counter for counting things (helps in my line of business).
  • I borrowed hand counters from colleagues for my multi-counting.
  • 66 users are white, whitey, whitish, bleached or not-so-dark-looking; they’re out.
  • 44 users are coloured, multicoloured, bilious, burnt or ‘foreign’ looking; they in.
  • 18 of these colorama-ring-a-ding-dong users have email on profile pages.
  • 21 users are East Asian, Chi/Jap/Kor/yellowman looking; they’re in-in.
  • 5 of these yellow dumplings have email on profile pages.
  • Enough said.
  • It was a pointless exercise, as well.

Amazing, isn’t it? You go through all this trouble to set up FB, upload your insane pictures with jailbaits/camwhores/emofags/pet/mother, piss your workhours on dull/uninteresting/buggy games, have 3/4 email accounts, and what you don’t do? You don’t even have a single email address on your FB. Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.

These brain-damaged wogs, dogs and clogs are the lamer and lusers your mother warned you about. They are afraid of getting spammed. But we’re getting spammed anyway, so why worry? There’s a “Send message to…” to click on. Yeah, right. FB’s messaging system is reliably unreliable, oaf. They don’t want to be ‘disturbed.’ Pretty disturbed to think like that when you have an FB account.

How the hell is anyone going to reach you if you or your family is in shiz? I know 99% of people have multiple email accounts. Use one of them. I can’t explain why you need to ’email-whore’ your FB. Stop being such a prat. Only the penguins in South Pole don’t have emails.

8. Display contact email on Facebook to obviate total reliance on its messaging system.

Most people have a very low sense of urgency anyway. It’s just that, that low level stays low even in times of trouble or emergencies. Most of us operate in slow motion because of the shock factor of ‘why is this crap happenin’ to me, man?’ We then stay slo-mo because we keep thinking ‘it’s unfair, man, it’s brutal.’

The only time I feel it’s unfair and brutal is when it’s left to me to shove that barbed dildo up a deserving individual who faffs around or flits from thing to thing. You know, I don’t deserve to do this dirty work of dispatching my enemies, however much I might enjoy it. I can’t serial-kill under these conditions. It’s unfair, man, it’s brutal. It’s gloves, overalls, boots, cleansers, etc. or I’m taking industrial action. People are so inconsiderate by dying in a messy way and soiling the carpets and creasing the upholstery.

9. Force authority figures to think about discharge date: ask when’s a right time to buy airtickets for Q. Keep everlastingly coming with this. Tell them they’ll keep hearing it if they keep ignoring it. Automatic repeat a must.

That concludes the coordinating instructions for the time being. More to come.

Logistics and support

This is kind of pointless, since the relevant people and parties don’t know the existence of the other in the soup mix. Later. (Groan)

The mother may have no money: she could be relying on our sympathy and big hearts, holding out the prospect of us to ‘fuck it’ about the airfares if we have to pay up first for her. The taxman and airlines do not negotiate with charity, which it regards as in-flight terrorism.

10. Ask the mother if she could afford so-and-so dollars for the airtickets.

Command and signals

This is kind of pointless, since the relevant people haven’t even started talking to each other, and any talk that has occurred is with an upset, uptight, up-the-wall mother who has been de-coordinating things so far. Later.

* * *

Photo credits (all images pilfered and used without permission):

Detention cell via ColorLines

Sign language via Beyond Help

England’s Strategic Health Authorities map via FindTarget

Mission Statement via School of Agricultural Sciences, Oregon State University

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2010.

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