Things not to say on a first date

Thursday 16 December 2010, 10.44am HKT

Stumped for things to say on a first date? Take a line from those who say what not to say…

(Semi-offensive language/ideas ahead, duffers.)

* * *

“Hey look! That’s my parole officer. Wave!”

“Can I just check that you’re really female? You won’t believe the number of ladyboys I get set up with!”

“Now that the first kiss is out of the way, fire up the buttplug!”

“My crabs are really itching me. Do you mind scratching them with your face?”

“I hope you like guys with really big schlocks!”

* * *

“Let’s split the check.”

“I hope you give better head than your sister.”

“Does this chloroform smell funny to you?”

“Don’t worry, I brought the lube.”

“I don’t screw all my students, you know.”

* * *

“Baby, after we f@ck, you’ll have to change my colostomy shitbag because I’ll be exhausted and the pills I take to get hard make my faeces very, very runny. But I’ll make it worth your while, you worthless whore.”

* * *

“Your mum said you swallow. Brilliant!”

“By the time I’m done, you won’t be shitting right for at least a week.”

“I probably hate you. Do you like anal? Great. Strap this on then.”

“I have AIDS. And when you went to the ladies room, I put a drop of my blood in your drink, so now you have AIDS. Now we don’t need condoms! YAY!”

“Your dad said you have a tight pussy. I hope he’s right.”

* * *

“Do you charge by the inch?”

“So, seriously, have you given any thought to Scientology?”

“Oh, yeah, just a heads-up. I have anal herpes, so you might want to wear a rubber on your tongue if things get hot and heavy and you decide to give me a rimjob.”

“Remind me to take my medication every hour. I don’t want to hurt anyone tonight…”

“Is your dick hard? Mine is.”

* * *

“So, Melissa, I’m circumcised. Are you?”

“My name used to be Mel before the sex change.”


“I’m looking for a man to have lots of children with and who can support me financially while I sit on my arse …”

“So, love that thing your mum does with her tongue … you know …”

* * *

“If you don’t enjoy blowing, it’s pointless going any further …”

“Asparagus makes my piss really stink.”

“Girl, your body really makes up for your personality.”

“I never f@@k on the first date.”

“Hey, bitch! My dick isn’t going to suck itself!”

* * *

“I dip and spit. Do you swallow?”

“I’m a millionaire.”

“Are those real?”

“If you suck my cock, I’ll suck yours.”

“You don’t sweat much for a fat lass …”

* * *

“Let’s say me and you go on a little date, have some chicken? Maybe some sex … y’know see what happens …”

“I have issues. Do you like clingy people much? Mmm. You smell nice.”

“Oooh, I’m sorry. I thought it was going to be two of you.”

“Sooo … d’you like seafood? ‘Cause I can give you crabs.”

“I wanted to ask you out ever since you got that abortion.”

* * *

“I hope you don’t have an electric blanket at home because I’m 35 and still piss the bed.”

“Your sister gave me head on the first date! How are you going to top it?”

“It has been a very pleasant stroll with you and your delightful chaperone, Miss Bennett. May I be so bold as to ask to learn your first name?”

“Those tits will have to do for now.”

“I’m not as rapey as everyone thinks.”

* * *

“I’ll only give your oral if you’re on the rag.”

“Will you marry me?”

“I hope your pussy smell better than your sister’s.”

“You make me horny — just like my sister does.”

“My dad will only let me date you if you agree to f@ck him also.”

* * *

“Can you pay the bill? I forgot my wallet.”

“You’re really pretty. Just need to lose a couple of pounds, that’s all.”

“I’m still a virgin.”

“I like to dissect girls. Do you know I’m utterly insane?”

“Are you about a size 14?”

* * *

“Your ex-boyfriend told me you swallow on the first date!”

“Let’s have fun, but at 10pm I have to call my parole officer.”

“We go out for the first time, and THIS is what you wear?!”

“I’ve never done this before.”

“I last 10 seconds.”

* * *

“You’re gonna buy all your own food and pay for the parking, right?” (Uncle Harvey)

“Your hair smells soooo good!” (Said by a midget)

“I’m hungry. Can I eat you (out)?”

“Since this was your idea, you’re paying for everything in case this doesn’t work out.”

“So, when do I get to have a three-way with your mum?”

* * *

“Did you shit?”

“Many chicks dig bad boys, so you won’t mind that I’ve been a convict.”

“So, does your pussy taste as good as your mum’s, or aunt’s, or sister’s … or dog’s?”

“I have to be home by 10. My mum can’t live without me.”

“I was only using the dick-sizing skills that your boyfriend taught me while he was sucking mine.”

* * *

“My dick is getting hard. Is yours?”

“Did you know there’s less bacteria in my anus than in your little sister’s mouth?”

“My penis says ‘Hi!” too.”

“Wanna come back to my place for coffee, dad?”

“I hope you won’t mind that I brought some work home tonight. We’ve been really busy at the morgue.”

* * *

“You make me so horny … you remind me of my sister.”

“Have you ever wondered what do you have behind your eyes?” (Munster)

“Do you know it’s impossible for a person to bob their head back and forth while their mouth is fully opened?”

“I thought we could go to the coffeeshop and get to know each other a little better, maybe then a nice dinner, and then I’d take you to get an anal bleaching …”

“Back to the street corner with you!”

* * *

“I love you.”

(via the usual suspects, 16 Dec 2010)

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