Roundup for Week 12

Tuesday 29 March 2011, 2.38am HKT


The world around us for the week of 21-27 March 2011.

—♦—

That Was The Week That Was

No sex please, we’re impotent

Spank Girls, 1903

Hong Kong’s first 3D porno flick, “3D Sex and Zen,” is all about abstinence. We have to put our trust in the critics’ word that it leaves viewers with a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Sounds like box-office cyanide.

The whole point of 3D + sex is to get a hot and hectic feeling inside-out and making an unholy mess.

Wow, 3D abstinence. So provocative, so sexually uninhibited, so exciting, so cummingly jizzable.

Oh, well, back to the violence then…

* * *

Facebook wipes accounts to create child-safe environment

What's next? Embryonic users?

Facebook ensures child-friendly environment for young users by deleting the accounts of underaged users at a rate of 20,000 accounts a day globally.

Rationale: young users might be able to gain access to adult materials through Facebook. All it does is drive those users to other social networking sites that don’t have the capability to control access to adult materials.

Ultimately, it’s useless worry. Young Facebook users are a bunch of conniving liars who put out dressed-up crap to boost their street cred, as one study found. If kids can lie online, accessing adult stuff is peanuts.

Real reason (according to The Naked Listener): older Facecrook users are jealous because only youngsters know where to get cool, free porn of the dark and depraved kind.

* * *

Elizabeth Taylor, 1932-2011, R.I.P.

Can’t resist one last bit of name-dropping: The Naked Listener’s family knew Liz T. and Charles Chaplin through an Iraqi Jewish friend of the family back in London. We lived only a few miles from Liz’s brother in Finchley in north London.

Recollection: Both Liz T. and Charles C. were as ordinary as anyone could possibly be when they didn’t have to do their ‘glamour’ bit as movie stars.

* * *

Ah-ptoo!

On World TB Day (24th March), experts warn about increase in drug-resistant tuberculosis in Australia.

Meanwhile in China, the WHO says there are probably 500 million people infected with TB but show no symptoms, all because of the habit of spitting all over the place.

Trust me, eat lots of salt and drink tincture of iodine — why waste money on cures when you could sterilise your spit instead and protect you from radiation, TB, unplanned pregnancies and secondhand smoke?

* * *

High-class lifestyles not welcomed

In China, the cities of Beijing and Chongqing (Chungking) are banning outdoor advertising that tends to promote high-end lifestyles. The authorities consider these ads may trigger ‘social unrest’ (euphemism for ‘class jealousies’?). Problem: who’s going to bring in the taxes for the government?

* * *

Do you take salt or iodine or contraceptive pills for this?

While the Japanese nuclear reactors continue to spew out radioactive crap, the Hong Kong Observatory (i.e. meteorological office) forecasts up to nine typhoons (hurricanes) in store for the city this year. Expect to see new reality show called The Great 3D Real-Estate Forex Manipulation Price Hike Radiation Rainstorm Abstinence Disaster of Hong Kong. You heard it here first. Tickets on sale now from The Naked Listener’s Weblog.

* * *

Your sex life doesn’t compute

Psycho researchers at Australia’s Deakin University found that ‘friends with benefits’ (casual sexual) relationships are more common than we think (at least in Oz) and Aussies are enjoying it (obviously).

Why s0 common Down Under? Just a guess. Another bunch of Australian researchers say salty diets are damaging Australian men’s sex lives. Just a guess.

The upshot then is this: eat more salt, damage your sex life, so you have to make up for the (ahem) slack with something, so you get a bit more of ‘it’ on the side. Makes perfect sense.

* * *

Where's your god now?

Quaking from another kind of fallout

Lack of Japanese tourists will batter tourist-dependent Hawaii as Japan continues to reel under the aftermath of the earthquake and the continuing nuclear reactor mess.

The real reason, of course, is Hawaii is now too tame for the average Japanese. Home turf now sports quake-mutilated sex dolls and radioactive tofu that glow in the dark. Hawaii’s only got sun, surf and bikinis. Doesn’t stand a chance.

* * *

Uranium spot prices rebounding

In keeping with the fine capitalist tradition of profiting from misery, uranium spot prices went up 13% on strong volumes last week. The uptrend was led by 21 transactions involving a total of 3.6 million pounds (1.63 million kilogrammes) of uranium. Where’s you god now, environmentalists?

—♦—

Only I Can See This

In China, one agency is trying to get people to quit smoking, while another tries to get them to smoke.

The highly noticeable Chinese penchant for interlocking dictionary definitions carries over in real life in China’s efforts to curb smoking. The health authority wants the government to be serious in carrying out anti-smoking measures. But the country’s state-run tobacco industry works inside the tobacco regulatory apparatus and provides serious tax dollars to the government as well as being a sizeable state employer.

More in this Naked Listener exclusive.

—♦—

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011.

Images:

Young Facebook user via Sync-blog
Elizabeth Taylor via Daily Scene
Spank Girls 1903 via Wikimedia (URL lost)
Uranium pellet facts via Mr Krasilovsky

Tip of the tongue for Week 12

Monday 28 March 2011, 11.39pm HKT


Overheard or read for the week of 21-27 March 2011.

* * *

“Gospel is liberal. Law is conservative. You cannot believe them at once. At best, you can choose which one will cause less suffering in the future.”

* * *

“A person who thinks logically provides a deep contrast to the real world.”

(Geddit?)

* * *

“If you drink coffee and you cannot read, then please have your parents explain this.”

* * *

Psst is onomatopoeia.”

* * *

“The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.” — James Nicoll

(hat tip to the Speculative Grammarian)

* * *

“I refuse to say your name during sex because I’m afraid I’ll say your brother’s.”

(hat tip to Postsecret)

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011.

You pay peanuts, you get … a punch in the goolies

Friday 25 March 2011, 3.05am HKT


Below is a real advertisement on Craigslist Hong Kong (if you can call stuff anywhere on Craigslist ‘real’). Just read it and you’ll see why.

My emphasis are red boldfaced. My notes in square brackets (you know, these things: [/]).

* * *

English writers needed

Date: 2011-02-14, 10:54PM

We are looking for English writers [1] to write articles on music, beauty and fitness topics.

We are looking for writers who are looking for long term work. [1A]

Here are the basic requirements:

1. Min. of 1 year experience
2. Articles should be error free [1B]
3. Articles should pass copyscape [2]
4. Well researched articles [3]
5. Articles should be minimum 500 words [4]

Payment:

$1.00 per article of 500 words [4A]
$2.00 per article of 1000 words

Should be able to start now.

The keyword phrase needs [5] to be in the article title, [6] first sentence [7] and used another 5-6 times throughout the article for a total keyword density of 1.5-2.5%.[8] We pay via PayPal within 24 hours of completion of each article project of 25 articles, so the sooner you can [9] finish the articles the sooner you will receive payment.

When we hire a new writer [10] we pay them $11 at [11] completion of the first 10 article batch [12] to show that we pay. The articles need to [13] be informative to the reader [14] with 100% correct grammar, [15] punctuation and free from factual errors.

Also, the articles must be [16] 100% unique; they will be reviewed through Copyscape and Plagiarism Detect for plagiarism. [16A] If an article you submit does not pass Copyscape, or has spelling and punctuation mistakes, you will not be paid for that article until it is corrected and resubmitted to us for approval. We will not be able to pay [17] if all requirements in this listing are not met [17A], so please don’t [18] apply if you can’t [18] meet these requirements.

You agree that upon sending us the articles [19] all rights to the articles transfer to us. This means you will not sell, reproduce or re-use [20] these articles in any way. Please be able to communicate at least one time per day via email or messenger [21]. Application will only be considered with a sample article on a topic that we choose.

  • Compensation [21A]: $1.00 per article of 500 words, $2.00 per article of 1000 words
  • Telecommuting is ok. [22]
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t [18] contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Original URL: http://hongkong.craigslist.hk/wri/2213674010.html

* * *

‘If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.’

That’s the old adage in business.

In this particular case, the advertiser is paying LESS THAN peanuts, so he (we assume it’s a he) is getting — castrated with a blunt instrument, without anaesthesia, at dawn, very slowly, by an inexpert hand.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, quite honestly.

Clearly, some local moron copied this advert from some genuine job advert somewhere, and altered bits here and there to shoehorn the thing into his/her ‘stunt.’ I know so. I’ve seen the real version of this advert before, many times, over many years and in several different countries, in a serious (even professional) setting.

But this is the first time I’ve actually seen the ludicrous payment rate of $1.

* * *

Count the heads so they can roll, baby

Let’s do that thing called headcounting that lawyerly types like The Naked Listener is so enamoured to doing. (I remind readers/listeners that I used to be a professional editor before I switched to the less profit-challenged line of a printer.)

THE TEKNIKAL SHIZ

Skip this part if you’re a ‘native’ English speaker, i.e. grew up speaking it.

[1] Factual error/ambiguity: “English” — meaning what? Writers who are English from England? Writers who write in the English language? Only a Chinaman would write something like this.

[1A] Ungrammatical: ‘long-term‘ is hyphenated as a adjective, dumbo.

[1B] Ungrammatical: ‘error-free‘ is hyphenated.

[2] Factual error: “Copyscape” is capitalised: it is a service-mark/trademark.

[3] Ungrammatical: ‘well-researched‘ is hyphenated.

[4] Ungrammatical: either “… of minimum 500 words” or “of 500 words minimum.”

[4A] Factual ambiguity: indicate the currency. We assume the price is in U.S. dollars and not Hong Kong dollars (HK$1 = US$7.75). If the job poster intended Hong Kong dollars, then we have to assume he/she was asking for death threats to be made against him/her. At any rate, it works out to 0.2¢ (or one-fifth of a cent) a word. This is the definition of insanity.

[5] Ungrammatical: use either ‘has to be’ or ‘should be’ — don’t use ‘needs to be’ because that f*cking rude: you need to be a little more responsible if you want to work with writers who produce original articles for your stupid whatever.

[6] Punctuation style: replace comma with ‘and‘ because “article title” and “first sentence” form their own individual listing clause.

[7] Punctuation: insert comma because “and used…” is another clause.

[8] Style: the correct way is ‘1.5%-2.5%’ (extra % sign required).

[9] Ungrammatical: delete “can.”

[10] Punctuation: insert comma.

[11] Ungrammatical: replace “at” with ‘on.’

[12] Ungrammatical: “10 article” is an adjective and should be hyphenated (i.e. ‘10-article‘).

[13] Ungrammatical: replace “need to” with ‘should.’

[14] Argumentative/ambiguous assumption: it would be nice if you would actually spend five seconds to think things through with your copy and tell us what kind of reader you have in mind.

[15] Ungrammatical and incorrect punctuation: same reasoning as point [6] above: replace comma with ‘and.’

[16] Ungrammatical: replace “must be” with ‘should be’ (first choice) or ‘has to be’ (second choice).

[16A] Factual error: Yeah, right on about plagiarism. Like your own fukken advert threw up literally 42+ results on Cityscape itself. You lie, you DIE.

[17] Ungrammatical/stylistics: replace “will not be able to pay” with ‘will not pay‘ (first choice) or ‘cannot pay‘ (second choice) or ‘will be unable to pay’ (third choice). “Will not be able to pay” is not even f*cking English, dickhead!

[17A] Ungrammatical: replace “not met” with ‘unmet‘. Only a pretentious Chinaman would dare write “not met” in this way because that’s how Chinese phraseology operates. Job poster, you are causing other people to be racist at us.

[18] Stylistics and consistency: spell full-out “can’t” and “don’t” or use contractions throughout. Don’t waver between full expressions and contractions.

[19] Punctuation: insert comma.

[20] Punctuation: ‘reuse‘ is solid (i.e. unhyphenated).

[21] Factual ambiguity: a human messenger or did you mean Windows Live Messenger (i.e. MSN)?

[21A] Factual error: it’s fukken called ‘remuneration,’ you blithering idiot.

[22] Orthography: capitalise “ok” (i.e. OK).

HEADCOUNTING RESULTS

  • Grammatical errors: 14
  • Factual errors: 6
  • Punctuation errors: 5
  • Style problems: 3
  • Assumption problem: 1
  • Orthography problem: 1
  • Total problems/errors: 29

Assessment (a.k.a. ‘your days are numbered’)

DING! DING! DING!

WAKE UP! I need you to be focused!

This abortion of an advert is littered with grammatical and style mistakes. No self-respecting copywriter or editor or plain ole’ writer could physically make them. Not even while doing LSD or meth or some other hard narc shit while turning sick perv BDSM tricks in a dirty toilet with a trannie (i.e. a tarp/trap) and a strapon dominatrix. Not even once.

And heeeeere’s Johnny with his undefeated, stupendous left hook smack-whack at the jaw with the force of a thousand suns:

“One dollar. Head needs to be opened.”

(Johnny is a teenage neighbour of mine who barely speaks or reads English, but clearly much more efficient and succinct than The Naked Listener in editorial assessments.)

One, the whole tone is wrong. It’s a highly threatening tone. It’s not like you or I were already working as a staff employee for this ‘job poseur poster’ because that would be barely acceptable/legal. Yo friggin’ dissin’ us, talking Five-O on us, brotha.

Two, don’t bleeding come on in a threatening tone disguised as stringent specifications. If you do, better make sure the remuneration you’re offering isn’t on the weird side of LSD-meth-cocaine-opium town. What you pay, is what you get, choadboy.

Three, you don’t deserve “100% unique” articles (not even for free) if make unfunny jokes about money. Dad used to say I could never really take a joke about money. I’m not moneyminded or a tight wad, but to me, a joke about money is roughly ±10% of the actual mark. This, yo-ho-ho, this is an incendiary letter (in Scottish legal parlance, whether a letter or otherwise) or dire provocation (in English law). In my parlance, this is an invitation to a Southern death threat (not to be confused with the really nice rock band of the same name).

Four, hey, you little piece of deformed shit, you can’t even do a simple advert on a portal like Craigslist. You can’t even do it without plagiarising several dozen of the same already-recycled advert, AND THEN make grammatical mistakes. Main reason: your mother’s a crack whore and your father’s a failed faggot who can’t do a goatse.

Ultimately, you’re dead meat, son

“I know what you’re thinking: ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”

Trivia: This post contains 1,599 words. Time spent on writing was 1 hour. Time spent on formatting was 14 minutes. Time spent being totally flummoxed by the advert was pretty much 10 hours since first viewing. Do you think my post is worth more or less than $1?

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011.

Images:
“Pay peanuts” via Zazzle
Grammatical errors chart via GraphJam

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