15 male answers to every question a woman ever asks

Wednesday 6 July 2011, 1.08am HKT


1. Why are men such jerks?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter? And it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure. Hormone modifies behaviour. We’re just misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fall out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

5. Why are men so uncommunicative?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don’t actually have to. We do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old-fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. Why can’t men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. Why can’t men cuddle more, that is, lie down and hug?

Please … how many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men … men hunters … need go roam … starve in cave … must go find wildebeest. Now, sitting on our arses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. How can men sit on their arses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time, thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by sabre-toothed tigers, etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. Why can’t men just say ‘I love you’?

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

11. Why do men say ‘I love you’ when they hardly know me?

Ho, ho, ho … aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. Why doesn’t my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we don’t have the answer (or that you won’t like the answer) we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. Why don’t men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.

14. What’s with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. Why do men hate shopping?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing — err — buying?

(via Fred L., 05 July 2011)

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011. Image via Zazzle.

6 Responses to “15 male answers to every question a woman ever asks”

  1. I am itching to comment on this post but must remain silent as anything that I write here is certain to come back to haunt me. Must go the missus is comin’…

    Like

  2. Please, itch and then comment. Even deeply chauvinistic and feministic comments are deeply appreciated here…

    Like

  3. I will say this… It comes down to food and sex. That’s what blokes want. It’s like the old joke about the guy that comes home to the wife from the amazon with a cock-sucking frog. “What do you want me to do with this?” she asks. “Teach it to cook and fuck off!” he answers. Until chicks get this they wont get us. I won’t hold my breath.

    Like

  4. i ogle at women too.. too many good women. it’s wasted opportunity if you don’t

    Like

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