Things that have gone wrong during sex and other impossibilities

Thursday 14 July 2011, 1.23pm HKT

THESE ARE ACTUAL RESPONSES  in a thread about things that have gone wrong during sex:

(Safe for work. Just maybe not safe for credibility.)

1. “While I still f@#ked boys, my boyfriend’s dick split — the part that connects the end to the forskin, like a little inch of skin, you know what I mean. Anyway, blood everywhere, in me, on the celing, walls — it wouldn’t stop gushing out. So I went in the shower and we ended the next day. You should have seen my parents’ face! ‘WTF?’ at my room.”

2. (Responding to above a few posts later) “While I was still able to f@#k girls, my girlfiend had razorblades for pussy lips that split my dick, the part that connects the end to the forskin, like a little inch of skin, you know what I mean. Anyway, blood everywhere, in her, on me , on the celing, walls — it wouldn’t stop gushing out. So I went to the hospital and we ended the next day. I heard she became a lesbian and I have no penis.”

3. “I was f@#king this hot girl and about halfway through she woke up and I had to run off and fap in the woods.”

4. “Got home late, crawled into bed and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. Halfway through missionary, I noticed something didn’t feel right. I turned on the lights and it ended up being her sister that came to spend the night because she had a fight with her boyfriend. My girlfriend was in the guestroom. Needless to say, the screaming brought her to our room.”

5. “I was having the most awesome sex of my life. No, it was more than that, it was true love! Then my mum walked in and said, ‘f@#kin’ wanker.’ But it was more than that…”

6. (Responding to above) “Was your hand ok after that?”

7. “I wanted to tell her I ‘loved’ her, but I forgot her name.”

8. “I was f@#king my ex and she orgasmed so hard she clamped down on me and actually broke blood vessels in my dick. I was sore and bruised for 4 days.”

9. “I’ve farted during sex, got shit on by a woman that was taking Xenical, got pissed on by a woman who had a bladder issue (happened a lot because it was my ex-wife), girlfriend’s sister caught her sucking my dick when I was in high school, etc.”

10. “(shrug) … between the ages of 18 and 21, I was with 85 different girls, then I got married and quit counting.”

11. “At a family reunion I was f@#king my cousin. She came, I didn’t. I went across the street to the gas station still hard. Jerked it. Uncle’s girlfriend worked there. When I got back, he asked what I did at the store.”

12. “I got two. Girl pulled off my condom and lost it in her vag. Argued with me for 5 minutes till I called her a dumb bitch and told her to take a piss, pissed it out, and walked back to my dick in shame.”

13. “Not during sex, but after. Chick fell asleep and was farting in her sleep like Curly of The Three Stooges snores. At least I think she was asleep.”

14. “Eating her out in 69 and she started her period, on my nose. True story.”

15. “She screamed, ‘Stop! You broke my hipbone!!!’ Now try explaining that to the doc how you broke the thickest bone in her body.”

16. “When we turned the light on, there were bloody handprints on the wall and our faces looked like something out of 30 days of night.”

17. “Her police-officer dad busted into her room and shot me in the arm with his 9mm. He thought I was a burglar trying to rape his daughter.”

18. “Well, I had a threesome once and I love not wearing a condom ‘n shit because they suck, so I busted a nut inside both girls and paid for their Plan B pills. They both failed and I got my girlfriend and her friend pregnant. What’s worse is I ended up cheating on my girlfriend a few times afterward because I’m a horny @#$% and got a third girl pregnant. I’m now on my fourth girl…”

19. “I was f@#king this older dude when his wife walked in. She screamed and screeched, took a big breath and dropped dead of a heart attack. He was still able to cum. He made me leave and then called 999. Never saw him again.”

* * *

And these, for petes’ sakes, were on a SERIOUS thread.
You just have to wonder, honestly.

* * *

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011.
Images: Robot sex via c4c ♦ Guitar hand via GLW/DRK ♦ Fire via

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