How grumpy New Zealanders plan to solve their economic problems

Saturday 30 July 2011, 6.00am HKT

Check this out. It’s for New Zealand, but it’s a great idea and will work of the rest of us. Never a truer word spoken.

* * *

To The Rt. Hon. John Key, Prime Minister of New Zeland

Dear Mr Key,

Please find below our suggestions for fixing New Zealand’s economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks and the Maori iwi [folk] that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan.

There are about 2 million people over 50 in the workforce. Pay them NZ$1 million severance each for early retirement with the following stipulations:

  1. They MUST retire. Two million job openings — unemployment fixed.
  2. They MUST buy a new British, Australian or American car. Two million cars ordered — car industry fixed.
  3. They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage — housing crisis fixed.
  4. They MUST send their kids to school/college/university — crime rate fixed.
  5. They MUST buy NZ$100 worth of alcohol/tobacco a week — there’s your money back in duty/tax etc. (Non-smokers and non-drinkers exempt.)
  6. Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down. It can’t get any easier than that!

If more money is needed, have all Members of Parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second-home allowances.

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.

Yours sincerely,


(via Fred L.)

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011.

2 Responses to “How grumpy New Zealanders plan to solve their economic problems”

  1. If only the solution was so simple. How many of the two million jobs are entry level positions? There aren’t two million new cars in NZ and there aren’t enough university places- Kiwis already come to Australia for all of that. They are already paying for everything with alcohol and tobacco taxes and the Australian Government is counting on the $71 billion to pay off the debts incurred in the failed economic stimulus package. Politicians giving money back! When hell freezes over my friend!


  2. And THAT is also never a truer word said.


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