The Naked Listener’s top 10 lifehacks for the first-time jobhunter or employee (Part 3)

Saturday 6 August 2011, 12.01am HKT

<< Previous (PART 2)

Updated 14 March 2014 (fixed broken links)

Previously in Part 1 and Part 2, The Naked Listener presented Top 10 Lifehacks for the first-time jobhunter/employee — regardless of the number of years you’ve actually already been working.

We continue today with Part Three, with bonus lifehacks for your delectation.

* * *


11. No jewellery at work.

Your silver torcs, rings, bracelets, friendship bands, nose or ear piercings, neckchains, Frankenstein neckbolts and whatnot might lend you ‘street cred’ and make you look cool — but for chris’ sakes wear them on your own time. Others may not always understand or appreciate the reasons that you’re wearing them.

Gothic slave bracelet

Gothic slave bracelet

Come to your senses, will you?!

Would you blitz your new friends with all sorts of weird and wonderful jewellery and ‘stuff’ on first meeting them? No, you wouldn’t, would you? — you ‘ease’ them into your image over time, right? Then why ever would you do this with newfound co-workers? Catch my drift?

tits and jewelsNot really tasteful, but the lingerie might be helpful

If you have to wear jewellery to work, at least wear something tasteful, mainstream, and small.

And do us a favour, cover up your insane tattoos.

tattoo screwhead

‘If you don’t know who this is, you can eat sh*t’

12. Forget the tricks of the trade. Learn the trade.

Forget the tricks of the trade. Learn the bleeding trade. Only faggots and whores turn tricks.

(Apologies to prostitutes for that language: no offence meant. It is true that prostitutes are in the world’s only profession that provides genuine WYSIWYG value for money and no bullshit marketingspeak, and endure quite vicious slander for their work — unlike those ‘other whores’ like politicians, civil servants, law enforcement and academicians.)


Apallonia in ‘Tricks of the Trade’

If you’re lucky enough to have nice boss who is an old hand and willing to show you the ropes, PAY ATTENTION! These bosses are so rare that they’re classified as Divine Intervention. Don’t argue with them. Don’t contradict them. Don’t upset them. This isn’t a revolution: you’re not knowledgeable enough to make a ‘statement.’ Evolution, my friend, not revolution.

“What if I did this?” or “Good idea if I did it this other way?” will be more than enough, and if you get their green light, your battle to learn the trade is halfway done. Evolution, my friend, not revolution.

13. Don’t contaminate your food.

Don’t eat where you shit; don’t shit where you eat.

While we are on the subject of learning the ropes, let’s be a bit adult-like about this thing called the mentor-protégé relationship.

I make no representations (and am not condemning or approving) the following, which I am merely pointing it out as factual matters that can be readily observed if you ever paid any attention to anything around you, you blind sonofabitch.

The workplace is just like the rest of the world — the only difference is that it focuses everything down. That person you might only see once a month is seen every day, and the problems you create must be addressed immediately.

cats frolicking

Love vs. hate in the workplace

If your boss is cranking up niceties just to angle for sex, it’s time to step back, or leave altogether. You should go into politics, as the prospects for advancement are much better there.

However, people being what they usually are, if the old fart is truly nice and/or has never planned on having Ugandan discussions  with you until this moment (just that he/she happened to be a bit hectic inside ♥♥ ) — well, it’s your decision and prerogative, depending on how open-minded you are. Hey, c’mon, stuff happens, okay?

 British euphemism for ‘sex’  ♥♥ British euphemism for ‘horny’

Whatever you do, don’t get angry or ‘go ballistic’ at the advance. Just take it as a friendly inside joke. Smile it away (not laugh it off) in your most charming and tasteful manner. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t make it into a subconscious preoccupation. No drama. You drama, you godammuh.

If receiving that kind of attention is really upsetting for you, fine — then quit. But I advise you, if you’re getting that attention here, you’ll be getting the same in your new job. So there.

Let’s not be naïve about this. In the real world, there’s always a certain degree of give and take in anything. I’ve known people who had Uganda with their bosses or underlings with absolutely no detrimental or beneficial effect to their work or relationships. It could have been a one-off fling or just something that happens to two people after prolonged contact. Stuff happens, you know.

That being said, I’ve also known people who make Ugandan demands as part of their standard operating procedure for any employee who have been in the job just 15 minutes ago. Likewise, I’ve known employees who make really unbelievable, unreasonable demands for Uganda on their bosses, who to their credit absoeffinglutely refuse to entertain the idea even on a purely hypothetical level.

And ranking high on my WTF-ness scale has to be that employer I once knew who demanded that two employees have Uganda with each other (not with the employer) in order to keep their jobs. I can’t even imagine the situation of getting that kind of demand.

Yeah. The. World. Is. Made. Up. Of. People.

If you don’t mind it, it doesn’t matter, so advised Samuel Clemens a.k.a. Mark Twain. Believe it or not, age differences often turn out to be the least of all possible concerns. (Goes without saying that there’s obviously a limit to how young one party has to be.) Personality and temperament of the parties are bigger factors for concern if things go badly.

Mind, you’re not exactly whoring yourself by ‘doing’ your boss/employee — unlike the whorish antics of some people we could mention. Just don’t make it a habit or use it to gain favours or for influence-peddling.

Just remember that it’s YOU who should get to set the ground rules before getting to the ‘doing’ part. Or else:

* * *

That ends our three-part series.


© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011. Updated 14 March 2014 (fixed broken links).

Images: Gothic slave bracelet via Wholesale Jewelry Finding ♦ Blue bra and jewels via ♦ Tattoo via Official Tattoo Thread ♦ Apallonia Stars in ‘Tricks of the Trade’ via TKO Multimedia Entertainment ♦ Frolicking cats via Love vs. Hate ♦ “What You Eat…” T-shirt via Zazzle ♦ Surreal pistol by Guido Poggi via c4c.

5 Responses to “The Naked Listener’s top 10 lifehacks for the first-time jobhunter or employee (Part 3)”

  1. Yaxue C. said

    Totally agree with you. Totally. One thing I want to say is, your advice often has the quality of a great line of poem in that it opens up and expands beyond the words themselves for thoughts, such as, here, “you ‘ease’ them into your image over time”, and the entire “devine intervention” paragraph. Really appreciate all of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is one of your best posts mate. I work as a chef and I train a lot of younger players in the kitchen so I have developed my own set of life hacks (love that!) for surviving to become chef. Many are the same as you’ve listed here. ALWAYS start work early- even if its only five minutes. NEVER sleep with the waitress no matter how much you are tempted to do so- you will suffer more later than you will enjoy now. But the best is the advice not to learn the “tricks of the trade- learn the trade”. That is the absolute truth- if only more people would just do it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yeah, if only more people would just do it. You and I know that learning the trade is probably the shortest shortcut than learning the shortcuts.

    I came up with this three-parter because some of my friends’ kids just reached 16 or 17 and asked me for “tip” about work. What can anyone tell to people of that age? I left the learn-the-trade and the on-the-job-affair things as pieces de resistance because, otherwise, they’ll end up skipping the rest of the other lifehacks.

    Not that I’m saying my lifehacks are any better or worse than any other person’s, of course…


  4. kasting said

    This is a great informational article. I have enjoyed it and I have to concur with much of your valid content. Thank you.


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