Same story, but with tunics and togas

Film Review

Film review???

The Naked Listener doesn’t do film reviews! Movies are for watching, not reading about. But this will be an exception. (You’re fired.—Editor)

Literally minutes ago, I finished watching the premiere of “Centurion” (2010) on the telly.

See, I have a loony, rabid penchant for things Roman — or more precisely, Roman Empire — and watching it would have gone down supremely well with some Tuscan red wine and panforte morbido. Alas, I had to make do with Scotch (neat) and crisps (USA: chips) because panforte is no more.

The summary, in true law-school fashion:—

Line Infantry SAS Royal Marine Commando RAF Regiment
Delta Force Navy SEALs
Who Speak Proper And Have Cute Versace-Style Two-Day Shadows

VS.

Pagan Skinhead White-Supremacist Terminator al-Qaeda
Taliban English Football Hooligans
In Cheap, Dirty Sheepskin Hell’s Angels Bomber Jackets
And Who Speak ‘Foreign’

IN

Hand-to-hand combat guerrilla skirmish in Iraq/Afghanistan
pretending to be blue-misted frigid Roman Britain

WITH

Defective pullout strategy micromanaged by civil servants and
politicians allied along party factional lines

Sound familiar? You bet.

If you’ve ever watched “Black Hawk Down” (2001), then this movie would be:

Gilded Eagle Fallen

So there.

The long version:—

Crack commando regiment in Roman Britain gets sent by politicos to the British North Midlands on a hunt-and-destroy mission against local yobos.

Local Britannic motorbike gang wipes out regiment in short order, with only half-dozen commandos surviving the ambush.

Said commandos goes on deathquest to rejoin brigade further up north. Ancient version of high-speed car chase with Terminator-style body count ensues.

Along the way, local witch bitch with bunny blue eyes and cleavage offers commandos M*A*S*H treatment.

In the end, sole surviving commando during debriefing gets the usual feel-good platitudes from Supreme Wanker Theatre Commander.

Meanwhile, Garrison CIA Political Commissars consider said sole survivor to be a political liability and wants survivor to be silenced to protect Theatre Commander’s incompetence credibility — and a ticket back to Mafialand for a job well done ‘ovah thar.’

Sole survivor runs off to save own skin, thereby becoming a fugitive of the state.

End of review. Hah.

Proof of my said Roman Empire nutcasery:

Good, heh?

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011. Image by author.

Updated 02 Apr 2013 (new tags added)