Five questions feared by men

Thursday 13 October 2011, 10.36am HKT


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THERE ARE ONLY FIVE QUESTIONS that can truly get men into trouble:

  1. What are you thinking about?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat in this?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

* * *

1. What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is:

“I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to your true answer, which is most likely one of the following:

  • Football
  • Golf
  • How fat you are
  • How I would spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg,

“If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

* * *

2. Do you love me?

The proper response is:

“Yes!”

If you feel a more detailed answer is in order:

“Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

  • “Oh yeah, sh*tloads.” (Flippant.)
  • “Would it make you feel better if I said yes?” (Passive-aggressive.)
  • “That depends on what you mean by love.” (Overly analytical.)
  • “Does it matter?” (Insensitive.)
  • “Who, me?” (Who else?)

* * *

3. Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic:

“Of course not!”

Incorrect answers are:

  • “Compared to what?” (Sneering.)
  • “I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.” (Undiplomatic.)
  • “A little extra weight looks good on you.” (Critical.)
  • “I’ve seen fatter.” (Vindictive.)
  • “Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.” (Callous.)

* * *

4. Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:

“Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

  • “Yes, but you have a better personality.” (Nearing disclosure of facts.)
  • “Not prettier, but definitely thinner.” (Even nearer to disclosure of facts.)
  • “Not as pretty as you when you were her age.” (Getting close to the edge.)
  • “Define pretty.” (Phew!)
  • “Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.” (Diplomatic.)

* * *

5. What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Ferrari and a boat.”)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
You: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not — don’t you like being married?
You: Of course I do.

Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
You: Okay, I’d get married again.
Woman: You would?
You: (audible groan)

Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
You: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
You: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
You: She can’t use them —she’s left-handed.

Woman: (silence)

You: She’s left-handed

Woman: (silence)

You: Shit.

(hat tip to Fred L., via email, 13 October 2011)

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011. Image powered by Zemanta via WordPress.

11 Responses to “Five questions feared by men”

  1. Oh yes these are very dangerous waters to be navigating indeed! I like the Charlie Harper approach of answering these tricky questions with a question. For instance:
    1. Was it that obvious? (keeps ’em thinking)
    2. How could I not? (not yes, not no and noncommittal)
    3. You’re not worried about being fat are you? (ditto)
    4. How could I compare you to anyone else? (ditto)
    5. You’re not going to die are you? (shows concern, changes subject)

    Never take a stance on these prickly issues. Continue to answer questions with questions. Try and change the subject. Jack Daniels will help. Good luck boys!

    Like

  2. Oddly enough, I’ve gotten these questions from men and women in relationships. O.o That forth one has been particularly sticky when in a relationship with a man. =P

    Like

  3. Ed Hurst said

    Those questions are a problem only if you are a wuss. ;-)

    Like

  4. Yaxue C. said

    Aaaaaaah, let’s just say there are actually women (or men) who never ask any of these questions. Feel safer now?

    Like

  5. I’m going to go ask Michael every one of these questions. :) Thanks!

    Like

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