You are retarded if…

Monday 17 October 2011, 5.02am HKT

Updated 17/10: I’ve reformatted the text so that it doesn’t read like one unending stream of piss…
Update 04 Nov 2011: More reformatting for easier readability. Amen to that.

You are retarded if you believe in any of these things…

1. Buy one get one free (“bogof”)
2. I promise not to cum in your mouth
3. Just the tip…
4. An honest politician
5. A 12-year-old virgin

6. Liberalism, Conservatism, Socialism, Communism, any -ism
7. That socialism of any kind, in any amount that will actually work
8. Socialism — nope, capitalism — nope, communism — nope — how about we try autism next?
9. That government of any kind is actually for the people’s benefit
10. Women … that she will blow you for the rest of your [miserable] life

11. Gender studies
12. Women’s rights
13. History lessons
14. That humanity is actually worth the dirt it walks on
15. Anonymous

16. Poker is free — it IS, if you poke her in the eye
17. Racial superiority
18. The existence of your soul
19. Democracy as it is
20. Other women on chatboards besides lily84

21. Trolling is an art
22. Holocaust denials and Holocaust acknowledgments
23. Rupert Murdoch answers to the phone-hacking enquiry
24. U.S. Federal Reserve banksters
25. The USA is the ‘center’ of the world. (LOL, obviously that’s what your government wants you to think, since they’re only showing you pictures of Earth with USA in the middle. The Earth’s a ball — spin it around and something else will be in the middle — I’ll bet you they’re using other pictures of Earth in China.)

26. Obama’s certificate of live birth
27. Obama is an America
28. Obama is a foreigner
29. The majority knows what’s best
30. Noblesse oblige

31. Republicans (when your country operates different political parties)
32. Democrats (ditto)
33. The world is a gentle place with lots of friendly people
34. Every f@#king time aliens land on Earth, where do they go? That’s right! USA!
35. Friendly fire.

36. Human blood is blue until it encounters oxygen (morons actually believe this)
37.  Reality
38. “I like to teach the world to sing / In perfect harmony…”
39. Small is beautiful
40. Go big — or go home

41. When a girl invites you for ‘hot coffee’ that you’re gonna get Starbucks or something
42. Cure for faggotry
43. The government helps people
44. 9/11 wasn’t an inside job
45. 9/11 was an inside job

46. The cops are there to serve and protect.
47. NATO
48. IQ
49. “Core values”
50. Corporate whores in the U.S. Congress (or any legislature in the world)

51. Conservative economic theories
52. Economic theories in general
53. Sociological theories of any kind
54. Linguistics theories
55. Academics and even academicians

56. The Internet
57. Corporate-industrial complex, taxes, bailouts, ‘homeland security’
58. The debt limit
59. Forgive thy enemy
60. Being sober

61. I can count to cucumber
62. Paper debt is money
63. Rule of law (only a Tinkerbell Effect)
64. Civil society (only a Tinkerbell Effect)
65. The value of gold (another Tinkerbell Effect) 

66. Social values (one more Tinkerbell Effect)
67. Collective memory (That’s enough Tinkerbell Effects. You’re fired. — Editor)
68. Judicial independence
69. “No, of course I don’t think you look fat.”
70. “Friend zone”

71. Compassionate conservativism
72. Compassionate socialism
73. Compassionate any-bloody-isms
74. Mankind, humankind, womankind, kinda-kind
75. “You’re my first guy”

76. “You’re my last guy”
77. Fox News, CNN, BBC World Service, your local TV news
78. Mr. Perspective’s opinion
79. Cultural Marxism
80. Feminism (No more -isms, please. You’re re-fired. — Editor)

81. Your mum doesn’t suck cock … and doesn’t swallow
82. Your dad does … and swallows
83. Americans are smart … and getting smarter every day … and swallows
84. Indie music
85. Mainstream entertainment

86. Atheism
87. Religion
88. Evolution vs. creationism (either or both or together or separately)
89. No sex until you are 18 or married
90. No alcohol until you are 18 (or 21, wherever) or possess a driver’s licence

91. Free lunch
Ooops, the ‘hate’ was an accident…
93. Ai-yai-yai, the ‘Like’ was an accident…
94. Fap, and you’ll go blind
95. Blind, you can can still fap

96. Corporate media
97. Public relations
98. Public accountability of government
99. Political accountability
100. Political accountability

101. Any kind of ‘accountability’ (disaccountability?)
102. Corporate governance
103. Corporate Social Responsibility
104. Occupy Wall Street or whevever the bloody hell you are
105. Occupy Walled Street makes a difference to the “99%”

106. Occupy Wall-E Street doesn’t make a difference to the “100% Minus 1%”
107. The Moon landings (go to the Moon and prove it…)
108. Beauty comes from the inside
109. Beauty is only skin deep
110. “I will become a better man” (Dave W.)

111. “I am actually much nicer than what you see”
112. People who feel the need to label themselves
113. Change for the better (Surprise! It’s getting better! Derp.)
114. Education
115. Public education, private education, continuing education

116. Native language fluency (especially for the hard-of-learning)
117. Grammatical rules
118. Freeform semantics
119. Basic research vs. applied research
120. That analysis is equated to knowing or understanding

121. “The facts speak for themselves”

And finally…

122. That you are not retarded.

* * *

And all that came from a whole week of looking and seeing, listening and chinwagging, mulling and thinking, and ignoring and remembering.

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011. Images via c4c.

6 Responses to “You are retarded if…”

  1. In summary, “Everyone is retarded, now open up for that vitamin-loaded cumshot!” Gotcha! (And, no. >.> )


  2. Nina said

    14 is the only way I’ll ever view the world.

    Great post. :)


  3. Ed Hurst said

    Dude, you need to develop a little skepticism.


Comments are closed.

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