My honorary balls freeze solid (and fall off)

Thursday 5 January 2012, 3.56am HKT

3.32am Hong Kong time | 7.32pm GMT | 2.32pm EST

If you’ve ever wondered how cold it can get in this subtropical toilet bowl place called Hong Kong, wonder no more.

Right now:

  • outside temperature is 11°C (52°F) — I’m in the urban (city-centre) areas
  • 6–10°C (42–50°F) in the suburbs
  • I’m wearing a turtleneck jumper underneath a hoodie
  • I’ve untied my ponytail so my hair could catch any heat escaping from my body
  • my feet are frozen stiff (we have concrete floors in Hong Kong)
  • my gonads frozed, fell off and rolled into a corner somewhere in the bathroom
  • I’ll look for them in the morning and reinstall them
  • I now resemble a gonadless death-metal goth rocker pretending to be an icicle

Earlier today (4th January):

  • daytime maximum had been 14°C (57°F) with some rain patches
  • for the first time this winter, I actually, literally, factually, directly, decisively took to wearing an overcoat
  • the Hong Kong ‘choggie birds’ (Chinese chicks) wore ginormous scarves and padded jackets
  • the mainland choggie birds wore hotpants, sheer nylons, body tubes and slut-whore boots

An overcoat — in spite of having lived through the Westmorland (now Cumbria)-like cold of Clockenflap barely four weeks ago.

While I was doing groceries, these two British (“bwi-ish”) guys (both with scarves the size of the Turin Shroud) wondered (aloud) how the heck they ended up here with British weather like this that they’re trying to get away from in the first place. (How many times have I heard this before?)

Then a South African (“soof-ifriken”) couple turned up at the IKEA snackbar I was at, wearing (basically) midautumn gear (shirts, carcoats).

Just the day before (3rd January):

  • daytime maximum had been 20°C (68°F)
  • then it dropped to 11°C overnight last night
  • the ‘choggies’ (Chinese) were mostly in shirtsleeve order
  • the Hong Kong choggie birds wore ‘regular’ gear
  • the mainland choggie birds wore hotpants, sheer nylons, body tubes and slut-bitch boots

The Royal Hong Kong Observatory (i.e. our Meteorological Office) says:

  • similar cold weather with some rain patches for rest of the week
  • temperatures will rise gradually by early next week
  • the mainland choggie birds will continue wearing— never mind

I wonder how the homeless and the destitute are faring now. I’m pretty sure our esteemed government will carry on operating in ‘standardised mode’ — refusing to open the cold shelters until the coldest have passed — as it has always done in years past.

* * *

For your perverted enjoyment and dilectation sociocultural demographic analysis, I’ll try to take pictures of choggie birds in:

(a) body tube + hotpants + slut-whore boots
(b) ditto + slut-bitch boots

If I could do it, it’ll be worth your wait.

Saunders's Gull, Saundersilarus saundersi, Mai...

Saunders' Gull, Saundersilarus saundersi, in Hong Kong (via Wikipedia)

This, too, is a choggie bird, with one leg up.

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012. Image powered by Zemanta/WordPress.

4 Responses to “My honorary balls freeze solid (and fall off)”

  1. Ed Hurst said

    Having grown up in Alaska, I’m thinking that sounds like maybe a long-sleeved t-shirt day.


    • Oh, come on, Ed. The temperature just fell to 9C (48F) and your comment is just making me shiver like mad. I ran out of schnapps, cheese, salami and stollen – I have only one bottle of vino tinto, half a bag of crisps and a jar of red saurkraut to survive this.

      (Normally, having grown up in Europe, this temperature is chickenfeed to me – but here in Hong Kong, where the floors are all concrete, that ain’t helping. it’s the feet that really gets to you here…)

      P.S. I hope your floorboards are not concrete.


  2. Ed Hurst said

    Heh, mobile homes can’t have concrete floors. Actually the real issue is I’m built like a polar bear, just a little less fur, and I have always been a walking, talking heater.


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