Do this if you should get fired: A lifehack exclusive (1/3)

Wednesday 1 February 2012, 1.49am HKT

Updated 31 Jan 2013 (link fixes)

8pm local time / 15°C (59°F) at 72% relative humidity

I had wanted to post something nice for today but something turned up that completely soured for the rest of the f@#king YEAR!


Hope what I’m about to tell you will be a lesson to all you working people out there and how to deal with situations like Ratta’s.

This is long, but I promise you, man, it’ll be worth your read.

* * *

Let the protips begin…

Råtta rang at 5.15pm saying her company gave her the boot — and leave with just 15 minutes left before the workday ends.

She’d been with the company for just over 10 years. Some of you may remember her from an earlier post.

Right now, I’m pretty f@#king upset so I’ll do this per legal markup style because I’M THAAAAAAT FLIPPIN’ UPSET!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, Råtta (Swedish for ‘rat’) is more like a hamster. Oh well…


Stop asking ‘Why me?’

1. Their excuse? You know, the by-now-famous (and highly insolent) reasons:

“Your services are no longer required.”

Protip: Don’t bother asking. Any excuse will do fine. If your employer gives you the boot and to leave immediately, it’s just irrelevant to ask. Karma’s a bitch, right?

Protip: Go straight to asking about termination entitlements. Insinuate a legal aspect into the situation by asking,

What will be officially recorded as reason for termination?

Will my future employers or I be able to access that reason
from the company in the future?

If that reason is not accessible, please state the reasons
for its non-accessibility.

There’s no material point in asking those questions. You’re just giving them a hard time if they should give you a hard time. But the first question should be asked, though.

Remark: Unless you start speaking ‘proper,’ I’m going to rip your tongue out and shove it up Uranus. Try:

“Sorry, man, you’ve got the short end of the stick. I’m not happy
doing this, and I hope you understand.”

Six words vs. 20 words.

So with your goddamn highflying management training and experience, you can’t even manage at least one, single, better-sounding excuse? Then what good are you?! Are you actually, really, factually this stupid???

Once I bash your smarmy little face in and let you pick up your teeth from the floor with broken fingers, I’ll say,

“Your presence has been INvaluable, thank you very much.
You are free to go. Have a nice day.”

And then I sue you for your facial common assault against my fist and a class-action suit against your mother for negligence in bringing you up the way you are.

“It’s a business decision.”

Remark: No it isn’t. Stop lying, you faggot. I’ve been making ‘business decisions’ before you were even born. A fuggin’ business decision doesn’t involve people, you maggot.

Invisible punch in the face

Råtta says the company is doing cut-cutting and shite. Yeah, it’s also called firing the low-downs to save money so they can funnel the money into their own remuneration.

Remember Lehman Brothers? Citibank? AIG? Enron? U.S. Steel? GM? GEC? Fannie Mae? Freddie Mac? Need I go on?

What the hell’s wrong with you people?

I know — hey, I’ve done that before myself. Nothing’s ever a business decision. Evah. Karma’s a bitch, right?

Protip: The excuses your employer will NEVER use are ‘misbehaviour’ or ‘inappropriate behaviour’ or ‘unsatisfactory performance’ or choose the words you like best. You get the idea. That would be an excuse you can recourse and claim against the employer for unfair dismissal. Your employer is no moron. Karma’s a bitch, right?

Protip: If you are dying to know the reason, might I suggest you ask it this way:

“Wh-wh-what’s going on here? Please speak freely, as you
are an employee just like me.”

That, my friend, should put a little squeeze on them, making them realise that, if they do dirty work, they too eventually get scrubbed.

And I’ll just leave you with these two:

Mountains never meet. But men do. (Russian proverb)

(The mountains and waters will meet once more.) (Chinese proverb)


Out now? Then moolah now too, mate

2. Råtta had been promised the termination payment in lieu of 30 days’ notice and also the crap reference letter.

Protip: Immediate departure? Fine by me. But it also means you want to tie up loose ends up front and right now. In that case, forgive me, but I too want to tie up loose ends up front and right now. Termination pay etc right now. The accountant not around? Ring him in; do overtime. We all have to make ‘sacrifices’ at work, isn’t that what you’ve been telling us, Madam Human Resources? Karma’s a bitch, right?

Protip: Unless you get the termination moolah (’employer’s alimony’) and paperwork done right there and then, it’ll be next to impossible afterwards. After immediate dismissal, approaching them again is arguably trespassing or even harassment. You’ll be giving them perfect bloody excuse to withhold moolah. Moolah’s the holiest thing on Earth, and everything else is infidel. You have been f@#king warned, mate. Karma’s a bitch, right?

The holiest of holies: it’s your god too if this is all they care

* * *

This is starting to get long now, so we’ll pick up in Take 2.


© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012. Updated 31 Jan 2013 (with link fixes).

Images: Ratta doll via The Plush Palace ♦ Punch in the Face via Dark Wallpapers ♦ Moolah currency via Oddworld Wiki.

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