Flick review for Week 8

Monday 27 February 2012, 5.48am HKT

2.12am local time | 11°C (51°F) | cold, windy and drizzly

ONE OF YOU BONE-IDLE READERS asked me what films I watched over the past week (on TV or in cinemas) and wanted to see how I reviewed them.

Truth is, I don’t do reviews of anything.

Everybody someplace else writes reviews of books, movies, nail polishes and whatevs all the time. Some blogs consist entirely of reviews — they all do a fine job better than I could. Why should I add to that litany of recapitulational theologising?

But just for the lulz, I’ll break my own rules and review. I broke my own rule once (in a review of ‘Centurion’), so this would be the last — until I’ll break it again next time.

(Actually, I’m much more interested in why the heck we had three or four days of 20°C (68°F) and then the weather went Siberian from Saturday onwards.)

(Get on with it.—Editor)

* * *


(in no particular order)

The movies I enjoyed last week (20-26 February) were:

The Thin Man (1934)

On Turner Classic Movies channel. Easygoing, good-natured private eye who drinks like a fish totally totals the bad guys with the aid of his godsend killer comeback lines and his highly well-cleavage alcoholicised missus. Interestingly, this is the ONLY prewar film I’ve ever seen whose storyline very briefly mentioned the future possible use of genetics (i.e. DNA) in forensics.

The Wikipeddler entry is here.


The Asphalt Jungle (1950)

Toughie mini-mastermind criminal recently out of the slammer got wonked out of his element by making bad judgment calls because of surrounding himself with f@#king brainless gits and naff operators who were tough for the sake of being tough. Then the mastermind criminal got ‘all hectic inside’ when worked over by then-unknown but more-than-obviously well-cleavaged Marilyn Monroe, and that was his undoing. Watched it on TCM.

The Wikipanting entry is here.


Battleground (1949)

A totally bloodless ‘realistic’ portrayal of 3rd Platoon of ‘I’ Company of the 1st U.S. Airborne Infantry during the Battle of the Bulge, which real event ended only 4½ years earlier. Not entirely unrealistic, since you have to be kind to 90% of the audience at the time who did some real-life fighting and killing.

More realistic was the part where a French-speaking woman was slicing a loaf of bread right beneath BOTH her clearly well-endowed breasts mammary glands. Van Johnson’s character nearly fell off his chair — I was mesmerised motionless. On TCM.

The Wikipedo entry is here.


Ivanhoe (1952)

This is the one with Robert Taylor and Elizabeth Taylor, not the one (1958) with Roger “Bond, James Bond” Moore.

Faggoty-looking Anglo-Saxon rebels speaking ‘difficult’ literary lines in nicely mannered rebellion against the Normans in 12th-century England whilst garbed in pre-Spandex elastic leotards, so the closet drag queens among us are going to have a wonderful, slightly sexually arousing time watching this.

Like all gringo movies, it puts a ‘good’ ending, which in real life these characters would’ve had their faces raeped on straw mats by the Normans. (The Vikings were less well mannered than the Normals and raeped from head to toe on mud flats instead.) On TCM again.

The Wikipoopoo entry is here.

Interestingly, Hong Kong had a newscaster-turned-TV host and actor back in the 1960s and ’70s by the name of Ivan Ho (Chinese name: 何守信 Ho Sau-shun) famous for his 1973 interview with Bruce Lee that everybody gets to see now.


The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

Some dude with an effed-up reverse-ageing disease got born old and becomes younger by the year, screws an English-sounding ‘American’ woman and has a baby daughter with her, and then ditches the pair.

Sounds like it’s about 99% of guys who don’t know how to ‘relax’ in front of the chicks and missed out on The Fun and now hankers for Lost Youth.

Guy then dies a baby with advanced Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s or Hollywooditis. Sounds just like the rest of us when we Unsubscribe from Life. Could’ve retold the story in less than three hours. On main TV channel.

The Wikifantasy entry is here.


North by Northwest (1958)

Turner Classic Movies keep repeating this all the time. All the bloody time. C’mon, TCM, ’ave a ’eart, give us something else once a while, mate!

Debonnaire adman with ascerbic sense of humour gets sucked into brain-baffling spy conspiracy by brain-damaged, comical enemy spies and ends up with Marlene Dietrich-looking blonde with open heart (and open everything else!).

Moral of the story: curiosity killed the cat. He should’ve just acted in a callous, insensitive, sardonically insolent way like 99% of advertising types normally do and stayed out of trouble.

The Wikipandemonium entry is here.


Those were the films I enjoyed watching. I enjoy all movies. It just so happened that most have been oldies and greaties for the week.



I know I’ll enjoy at least two:—

La Vie En Rose (or ‘La Môme’ in France) (2007)

Biography of French singer Edith Piaf using a fractured narrative, which unfortunately doesn’t help things for those who either aren’t French-acculturated or don’t know what a ‘saucisson’ is.

The Wiki-oooo-la-la entry is here.

Sherlock Holmes (2009)

This one stars the duo Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law, not the one (2010) starring Ben Syder and Gareth David-Lloyd.

Two Victorian-era Englishmen with homoerotic whiskers and BDSM tendencies fight a criminal mastermind in a retro-futuristic, anal-retentive steampunk world with incredibly stupid henchmen. Basically, it’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003) meets Jurassic Park (1993) meets Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) (minus the singing) meets The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (1988) after listening to a speeded-up version of Queen song ‘Bohemian Rhapsody‘ (1975) whilst drinking black coffee laced with psilocybin.

The Wikiprivatedick entry is here.

(You’re fired for watching movies on the job.—Editor)


© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012.

Images: The Thin Man via Some Things I Have Made | The Asphalt Jungle via Dr. Macro | Battleground via Class 99 | Ivanhoe via Listal | Benjamin Button via Spill | North by Northwest via Twynkle.

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