The Naked Listener’s Vademecum to Blogger Zodiac Traits (Part 1)

Friday 18 January 2013, 2.00am HKT

“I don’t believe in astrology — I’m a Sagittarius and we’re sceptical.”
— Arthur C. Clark

PERSONALLY, I don’t buy the idea of zodiac signs.

It’s not because there’s no correlatable scientific basis for linking personality traits to dates of birth — heaven knows there’s already little enough scientific foundation even in scientific personality theories.

It’s mainly because many times I (and others) have noticed the zodiac traits don’t actually configure with what we’ve seen in those people we know their signs of.

Speaking in broad strokes though, zodiac signs do seem to ring true in some cases. It works especially for people who like being normal and run-of-the-mill.

Then again, broad strokes tend to be one-size-fits-all anyway, so zodiac signs often prove worthless in real life.


The Signs of the Limes, Grimes and Dimes

zodiac signs

Do zodiac signs have any connection with personality?

“I can tell you what the science is, but I’m not going to tell you what your personality is based on the location of things.”
— Parke Kunkle of the Minnesota Planetarium Society (in The Washington Post, 13 Jan 2011)

Stupid as it may sound, a blogger is by definition a person (or should be). (With all due respect, we’ll just leave the definition of “person” open for debate.)

A person most usually had been born on a certain date (“born” being loosely defined for some people — “dead but unburied yet” is probably more accurate). That means he or she had to come under one or two zodiac signs.

If the zodiac signs are anything they’re cracked up to be, then there should be some convergence between zodiac signs and personality.

Still with me so far?

Okay, never mind, we’ll just plod on.

Here’s The Naked Listener’s very own, infinitesimally researched guide to blogger traits by zodiac sign:—


The Naked Listener’s Vademecum to
Blogger Zodiac Traits

vademecum (n, Latin vade mecum, ‘go with me’) A pointlessly concise manual providing rehashed information or instruction of questionable worth about a subject or place

blogger (n < weblog) An idiot with far too much time on his hands who maintains a website (a ‘weblog’ or ‘blog’) containing writings of variable comprehensibility about his own narrow-minded experiences, observations, opinions, etc (or those of other similar idiots), often including stolen images and spammy links

zodiac (n) A charmingly imaginative belt of the heavens within which are the apparent paths of the sun, moon and principal planets: contains 12 constellations called signs of the zodiac represented by animals or mythical figures: appeals to drug-addled individuals who have never even used a telescope before even for stalking

trait (n) A distinguishing characteristic or quality, especially of one’s personal nature, character or sexual orientation

oneupmanship (n, 1950–55 from Stephen Potter, British author) The art or practice of achieving, demonstrating or assuming superiority in one’s rivalry with a friend or opponent by obtaining privilege, status, status symbols, etc: the oneupmanship of getting into the president’s carpool (or the oneupmanship of having sex with the Prez’s wife and daughter at the same time in his carpool)



THE ENTIRE AMBIT behind the millennial-old zodiac signs is to have oneupmanship over other people — by way of predicting people’s personalities.

Every person who believes or uses horoscopes (and, by extension, astrology) is to decide at some point in time which person to approach in order to get something out of that person.

Otherwise, what’s the point of predicting people’s personalities, right?

Personally, I much prefer oneupmanship by bribes. Money usually works quicker and cleaner than messing around with various contradictory and self-contradictory sets of horoscope personality traits.

Only trouble is, the system of bribery itself is corrupt and everything in it can be had for a price — available to you as well as your competition. You pays yer money, you picks yer goods.

Non-believers can call this vademecum “vade inferos” (go to hell) instead.


Identify your star sign from the picture above. Or decide which one you like best. For example, I was born under the sign of ‘Maternity Ward,’ but this blog was born a Leo (19 Aug 2008) on WordPress but Capricorn on actual Day One (20 Jan 1996).

The dates given above are also according to UTC (GMT), so you’ll have to figure out timezone differences for your birthplace.

Note on sign names:—

Aries, Taurus, Gemini, etc, are the Latin names — names we normally know the signs by. Greek, Sanskrit and Sumerian-Babylonian names also given for showing off. What more could anyone ask for from a blog?

Note on overlapping dates:—

If you were born (or liked to have been born) on the first or last day of your sign, then astrologically speaking you were born on a cusp. This means you’ll benefit from reading your own sign plus the sign closest to your birthdate. For example, if your birthdate is 20 January, you’re an Aquarius (according to the chart above) but you’ll need to read Capricorn as well to get a fuller picture.

Note on what astrologers say:—

I scoured an amazing number of astrology/horoscope websites (five) and combined the stuff I read there. There wasn’t much to combine anyway — all of those websites talk the same shit set of characteristics as each other. Only difference was their choice of phraseology, order and emphasis. The most outstanding feature of those websites was that they’re more literate and more coherent than some of the scientific research papers I’ve read on personality traits.

Note on what The Naked Listener says:—

This part is based on my own experience and insights, plus those of others. My friends thought I was totally unhinged when I asked them for input — but they’re used to my ways by now so it doesn’t matter anymore. First I ‘determined’ the personality traits of the people I know with NO regard to their birthdates, then organised them according to zodiac signs, and finalised by fishing for common trait patterns. In other words, it’s not invented or pulled out of a magician’s arse. It has CRUCIAL SOCIOCULTURAL WORTH, as sociologists are fond of saying about their work.


No one should be told this, but the stuff here is groundbreaking seminal research. (‘Seminal’ as in innovative, not semen.) If you want to regard it as serious, that’s fine too. Sorry, I don’t draw up customised personal horoscopes (for blogging or otherwise), although I’ll be more than happy to do one up for you on extreme payment or supercharged kinky sex.


I did all the illustrations. Heh.


ARIES the Ram

aries the ram thenakedlistener

Nickname: Full of Fire, Pants on Fire

Period is March 21 to April 19.
Greek name Krios.
Sanskrit name Mesha.
Sumerian-Babylonian name Lu-Hun-Ga (‘The Agarian Worker), Dumuzi the Shepard.
Element is Fire.
Ruling planet is Mars.
Stone is ruby.
Zodiac colour is red (all shades).
Vibration is enthusiastic.
Life pursuit is the thrill of the moment.
Secret desire is to lead the way for others.

Astrologers say:

Fiery, passionate, impassioned, adventurous, physical. Doers, not talkers. If they talk about it, they must’ve done it before rather than reading up on it somewhere. Impulsive, acts first, questions later — a life of many dramas and even accidents. Wonderful ability to bounce back regardless of hardship taken. Likes to best others. Aries men are highly energised masculine types. Aries women are forceful and competitive (pushy?), but because of that they often find themselves in dilemmas in romantic life. As active people, Aries can’t adapt to any kind of restrictions in private or professional life. Astrologers consider Aries to be a uniquely naïve sign — although independent and outgoing, they are also surprising trusting.

The Naked Listener says:

Like most adrenalin junkies, they don’t think things through before doing. They just don’t look before they leap, not learning that still waters run deep. No eye for detail. Likes things fast and speedy, so enthusiasm and hopefulness often run ahead of realistic foresight — so astrologers are right about their high accident rate and drama. Big tempers, easily angered, hates lots of things, opinionated, stubborn, but also hardheaded and easily pleased. True, Aries IS a bit naïve and trusting — a repercussion from shooting first, asking later, and not ‘questioning the answer’ given to them. Aries are also the lazy ones — buys the first thing that catches their eye.

As bloggers:

Aries tends to come up with breaking stories. Trouble is, they don’t always get their facts right first. They mean well generally, but often shoot too quick from the hip and that lands them into trouble, often with powerful figures.

Famous Aries bloggers:

  • Perez Hilton (born Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr, known for his litany of legal controversies with celebrities)
  • ‘Biz’ (Christopher Isaac) Stone (co-founded Twitter, founded Xanga, Blogger, Odeo, etc)
  • Ezra Klein (“Wonkbook” at The Washington Post)
  • Xu Jinglei 徐静蕾 (whose Chinese e-zine Kaila, started on 16 April 2007, is the world’s most popular blog)


The #9 sign (8.1%) of the U.S. population in 2012. The FBI puts Aries the #4 sign of serial killers and criminals in the USA — usually armed, usually hired to do crimes.


TAURUS the Bull

taurus the bull thenakedlistener

Nickname: Touring the Bullshit Hole

Period is April 20 to May 20.
Greek name Tauros.
Sanskrit name Vrisabha.
Sumerian-Babylonian name Gu-An-Na (‘The Steer of Heaven’).
Element is Earth.
Ruling planet is Venus.
Stone is emerald.
Zodiac colour is green or emerald (Pantone 17-5641, Hex #009B77), but not the lighter or bilious greens.
Vibration is determined energy.
Life pursuit is emotional and financial security.
Secret desire is to have a secure, happy and wealthy life or marriage.

Astrologers say:

Cool, calm and collected exterior. Great socialisers, though also manages to stay discreetly apart from the crowd. Hard to get your point across to Taureans if they don’t want to hear it — rather like talking to trees. Deep-seated feelings, fears and desires than could be guessed at — which is why Taureans are often seen as snobby, withdrawn, sulky and morose. (Rather like a cow, if you ask me.)

The Naked Listener says:

The truth is, Taureans tend to operate on their own form of autopilot, and that makes them quite difficult to work with for others. They switch off from the world around them a little too efficiently — the worrying part is that they’re not actually ‘switched out’ because meanwhile they’re reorganising their inner reserves for charging at the world later on. Their need for creature comforts and hate change makes them hard to switch off their autopilot. So it’s quite right that you can’t get your point across with Taureans if they’re not in the mind for it.

As bloggers:

We could say euphemistically that Taureans’ autopilot mode makes their blogging grounded and stable. Either they work very fast (because of autopilot) or very slow (because of having to separate from their autopilot).

Famous Taurean bloggers:


The #7 sign (8.3%) of the U.S. population in 2012. The FBI puts Taurus the #2 sign for serial killers and criminals — quite dangerous, usually temperamental, clever, usually involved in money-laundering, do crimes mostly in solitude. Like the Capricorn and Virgo, the Taurean criminal is usually caught.


GEMINI the Twins

gemini the twins girls thenakedlistener

Nickname: Spy in the Sky

Period is May 21 to June 20.
Greek name Didumoi.
Sanskrit name Mithuna.
Sumerian-Babylonian name Mas-Tab-Ba-Gal-Gal (‘The Great Twins,’ i.e. Castor and Pollux).
Element is Air.
Ruling planet is Mercury.
Stone is aquamarine.
Zodiac colour is yellow.
Vibration is intense mental energy.
Life pursuit is to explore a little bit of everything.
Secret desire is to be ahead of the crowd.

Astrologers say:

Always on the move, thirsty for knowledge and new experiences, terminally curious, sometimes mischievous. Multifaceted souls who likes knowing a bit of everything and anything. Variety rules. Great raconteurs. Those not endowed with the gift of the gab often still turn out to be talented writers or linguists (as in multiple languages, not the perverse field of linguistics). Love life tends to be ‘multidirectional’ and full of drama.

The Naked Listener says:

Dad was a Gemini — frankly, ‘multifaceted souls’ is just a euphemism for schizophrenic. I’ve never known a Gemini (Dad or others) who aren’t mentally agile in some way — you can’t out-think a Gemini with his two heads. All the Geminis I’ve ever known thinks the worse thing about people talking about them is people not talking about them. Their great storytelling ability (because they love gossip and travel) makes Geminis highly sought after personalities at public functions.

I often find they’re very adept at making money — to say nothing about their blowing it! Geminis are either flat-broke or loaded, there being no in-between. Just like the brothers Castor and Pollux in mythology, Geminis live on the edge and their partners and kids have a hard time keeping up. Makes great architects. Turned off by overly needy types of people who’d rather stay at home.

As bloggers:

They can put a different spin on things, and that’s more than enough to keep up with. In-built antenna for a good yarn. Their ideas can be so convoluted that they can sometimes drown even sophisticated people. Media bills are generally way over budget. Their attitude is best summed up thus:—

“A book is a version of the world. If you do not like it, ignore it; or offer your own version in return.” ~ Salman Rushdie (a Gemini)

Famous Gemini bloggers:


The #3 sign (9.2%) of the U.S. population in 2012. U.S. politicians are heavy with Geminis, Cancers, Libras and Virgos. May 22 is the least common birthday in the USA.

The FBI has Gemini the #12 sign for serial killers and criminals — doesn’t take things seriously enough, usually involved in fraud crimes, mostly as con artists and thieves. That speaks volumes about politicians.


CANCER the Crab

cancer the crab thenakedlistener

Nickname: Diabetic Worm in a Can

Period is June 21 to July 22.
Greek name Karkinos.
Sanskrit name Karkata.
Sumerian-Babylonian name Al-Lul (‘The Crayfish’).
Element is water.
Ruling planet is the Moon.
Stone is moonstone.
Zodiac colours are silver or white.
Vibration is moody.
Life pursuit is constant reassurance and intimacy.
Secret desire is to feel safe emotionally, spiritually, romantically and financially.

Astrologers say:

A bundle of contradictions. Compassionate and caring with friends, family and lovers, yet jealous with ever-changing moods. Insecure about how others see them, and that tends to prevent any inner softness and sensitivity from surfacing into the open. Live so much in their own internal oceans of emotions that it makes it hard for them to operate on an even keel most times — they yearn for a new phase in life, but once in one, they yearn for the security and familiarity of the old phase. This causes their moods to go up and down constantly like the proverbial yo-yo. Takes romantic problems rather badly than most other signs because of their great need for certainty and security.

The Naked Listener says:

Score 1 for the astrologers — this bunch are a bundle of contradictions. And whatever compassion they have inside them, that goes straight out the window with their jealous remarks and yoyo-ing moods. First, their ‘angle’ on life is to seek (and seek out) constant reassurance and intimacy. Then, it’s their overriding need for certainty to help them feel safe. Both fuels their feelings of insecurity, which is why they’re constantly harping on about being hurt by others, or about achieving financial or professional success. Yet their need for ‘safety’ nearly always keeps what they so desire just beyond their grasp, making them moody, angry and one-sided. Intense money-whores. Their in-built balance sheet inside their heads makes them take in more than they give out — it pisses the rest of us off no end, which in turn makes us moody, angry and one-sided, which then makes the Cancer the same. Every Cancer I know has been in some kind of scrape with the law at one time.

Life tends to move in phases and doesn’t stand still for anyone. Perversely, Cancer people prefer also to have clean-cut demarcations between one phase and the next. Yet they can’t always keep up with the phases. To those of us around them, that just smells like a whole load of unnecessary drama and puts us off from connecting with them. So we end up calling them crabby.

As bloggers:

They’re not crabby. Indeed, they show intuitiveness and insight. What this bunch doesn’t realise is that their yoyo-ing moods and snide remarks unnerve people (a lot) and put others on the defensive — it’s more problem for Cancers than it is for others in situations where the majority of people prefer things to be predictable or be slotted into easily definable pigeonholes.

Famous Cancer bloggers:


The #6 sign (8.4%) of the U.S. population. July is the number three month for births in the USA, according to statistics compiled by the [U.S.] Center for Disease Control and Prevention.

U.S. politicians are heavy with Geminis, Cancers, Libras and Virgos.

The FBI puts Cancer the Number 1 sign for serial killers and criminals — most booked and most dangerous criminals of all signs, very violent, mostly passion killers, kills multiple times, usually thought to be mentally unstable (they’re not, actually), and who leaves some kind of markings on victims to distinguish themselves.






© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2013. (B13017)
Updated 28 Jan 2014 (typo fixes)

Images: All images by the author, except Zodiac Signs screenshot via Universal Psychic Guild.

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