Je suis la nouvelle année

2.58am local time, 12°C (54°F), cold with heavy rain

I think most of us should be on 2015 by now — and probably falling apart like everything else is already in this world of ours.

Normally on the first day of the new year, I post this sort of embarrassment to remind peep’l just who (and what) is behind the unfunny hilarity of this blog. I broke with my own tradition and posted this shameless nonsense for 2014.

I might as well go with breaking the tradition for this year.

Because heaven knows when the next post will ever come…

For your viewing pleasure, some nosey-parkery random fun facts about The Naked Listener.

Each item originates from at least one serious, factual, objective detail about me. They’re only done up in a special way to make them seem less serious.

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WHAT’S MY NUMBER 42?

My life is mostly not nominal.

My life is one long emergency … but every new day is a NEW LIFE for me.

I’m a layabout, but I have no respect for those of my ilk.

Lead time is three months for my predictions to come true.

*

‘Spanky Pants’ is my most endearing pet name.

As in “Aww, did my little Spanky Pants have a rough day at work?”

*

Personality-wise, I am matched to…

89% Joan Didion
81% Karl Lagerfeld
70% Julia Child
60% David Mamet
36% Nora Ephron
18% Donald Trump
… and 18% Sonny Rollins.

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I am a True Neutral.

Everyone else can bloody well set the world on fire, but I’m going to have a drink…

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I adore ‘different’ things.

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My true age is 14 years old, and not a day more.

I count numbers in German.

*

I am not a person.
I am considered a ‘thing’ by nearly all who knows me.

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TENNN’RAH!

Yes, I’m a third culture kid.

Unlike most TCKs, I don’t cope — I adjust by retrofitting.

*

My put-on French accent is so convincing that it fools even the French.

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I drink black coffee (“with two”) and wine.

I eat 5 meals a day — and energise with a blockbuster breakfast.

My wine-uncorking record is 6 bottles in 10 seconds with a hand corkscrew.

*

I started writing in cursive script by five years old.

Many say my handwriting is brilliant in black ink — yet I prefer blue ink.

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Long hair is what I’ve got because Mum wanted me that way.

Before she passed, I’ve always had short back and sides.

Actually, I’m not terribly fond of long hair myself.

You’d be astounded by the mind-boggling (令人難以置信的) presuppositions (假設，預先假定，偏見) that others have about you at the sight of your long hair.

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Despite my present looks, I am Tory.

And more conservative than my parents ever were.

Both my legs have massive scarring, but they’re not disgusting to look at.

*

My ‘world’ is more important to me
than my ‘country.’

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ROLL YOUR OWN

(via c4c)

November and March are my months for starting projects that have the hightest chance of success.

I introduced the 3M Panaflex 945 signage material to Hong Kong.

I made small history by being the Dakar Rally’s first-ever motorcycle contestant for Hong Kong — but nobody seems to know this. Nothing, even on the Intarwebz.

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One hundred fifty grand.

The largest amount of physical cash I’ve ever personally handled is $150,000. Entirely aboveboard. Nothing illicit or unlawful. Totally related to the family business. Yes, them bread needed two standard-sized briefcases.

£150,000 — a hundred fifty thousand quid, or US$242,000 — was the largest amount of money ever to have been rightfully in my own name.

Sixty-six million dollars Hong Kong 六千六百萬港元 (HK$66,000,000) was the largest amount of money I’ve ever paid out personally — as lawyers’ fees. That’s around US$8½ million or £5¼ million — a shocking waste of good money after bad caused by a worthless commercial lawsuit (mis)handled by worthless, ignorant, whoreson lawyers because Dad didn’t listen to my advice in the first place.

Let that be a lesson to you all about advice from me.

Colour me curious, what do YOU know about money?

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I’m one of the last batch of Eleven-Plus examinees in the UK, scoring within the top quantile.

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I have never travelled by backpack.

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All my dentists agree on one thing — my teeth are the biggest and hardest they’ve ever seen, more similar to animal teeth than human.

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My left ear is higher than my right.

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I am more careful spending other
people’s money than my own.

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OUTBOARD INTERNAL STEREO SPEAKERS

Practicality and everydayness.

Heavily armed pacifist.

*

I have a ‘mirror’ personality.

What I appear to you is how you appear to me, give or take.

I was born like that. It’s nothing psycho or calculating, if that’s what you’re thinking. This facet always surprised even Mum and Dad.

My Myers-Brigg personality is INFJ, whatever the hell that means.

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Parallel is more important than serial if you intend to think for yourself.

*

I retrofit — adding new ‘technologies’ to
older ‘systems,’ if you get my drift.

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THE 32ND LEVEL

All my bosses have been women.

I may have had men as managers or supervisors, but the people who ‘run’ me have all been women.

*

Medium conscientiousness.

I’m no slacker and usually get things done — but have been known to goof off when I know the work is pointless (BIG HINT TO BOSSES).

“Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you do.”

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I have very sensitive ears for accents and word usage, for they reveal the mettle behind the speaker for me.

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I hate and detest ‘The Walking Dictionary’ nickname I get all the time.

I don’t want to appear STUPID, so I stay away from big words.

Never mind the fact that my vocabulary range had been professionally tested at 96% at the 10,000-word level.*

Yet I most stay away from ‘big’ word because they impart that hated Mock Gothic Victorian Muncipal Edwardian Disneyesque Erudite Verbal False Limb Adjectival Prancing Adverbial English flavour.

* B. Laufer and P. Nation, ‘A vocabulary size test of controlled productive ability,’ in Language Testing, 1999, volume 16, issue 1, pages 33-51.

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I don’t wear black for business.

And I wouldn’t transact business with anyone who wears it either.

It’s nothing to do with superstition.

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I have no great need to lead or to follow.

When working in a group, I do scan everybody as to who will be the best leader for the occasion; I might take charge if no one else does.

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I am versatile.

It’s a quality that might disappoint some people because nothing is ever written in stone with me — I could change my mind completely tomorrow.

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James Bond and I have one thing in common — signs of plastic surgery at the back of the right hand.

*

I have a fearsome number of
mental checklists
in my head.

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SHORT AND SWEET
IN A NUT, A SHELL AND A NUTSHELL

Executive Briefing

I’m useless in giving advice because my advice nearly always turn out right.

I have been working 80-plus hours a week since I was 23 years old.

I have a perfect driving record.

I’m an all-hours person. My maximum ‘shift’ duration is 36 hours straight. And I get things done.

I don’t get upset or angry if a phone call at 3am woke me up.

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Things I adore

Colour and motion.

Comedies and action.

Wartime black-and-white movies.

Instrumentals.

Silverpoint engravings.

Snow, cold weather and howling winds.

Eating out, game fare, port — and boiled meats! (So terribly mediæval of me…)

Meeting, seeing and looking at people — spectating the antics that come on.

Em dashes and semicolons.

*

Things I don’t mind

Spelling and grammar mistakes.

Foul language — it has its place, thankyouverymuch.

Tattoos and tattooed women.

Loud noises, loud music.

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Things I mind a helluva lot

Sudden body movements.

Explosive coughing, particularly when not actually ill.

Yes, no, yes/no answers — I want ‘an answer’; if you can’t provide, PLEASE VANISH.

‘Yes’ people, ‘no’ people, ‘yes/no’ people — you CAN’T belong, simple as that.

‘Soloing techniques’

Gentrification, even from the gentry.

Over-analysis without practical points.

Aversion to new things in life (e.g. new people, technology, etc).

Being poe-faced and moping EVERY BLEEDIN’ MORNING!

“We should maintain our standards” — which speaks volumes that you have none.

*

Choices (twos) and options (three or more):
the meaning of Life in a nutshell.

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‘MIND IF I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION?’

“Question your answer.” (Grandpa)

“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” (Anon)

“If it were to happen to you, your opinion would rapidly change.” (English adage)

*

“You always have to wake up.”

“Violence never solved any problems if you don’t use it.”

“Find the line, and cross it.”

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“You didn’t bribe, or not enough.”

“I don’t wanna die … I don’t wanna lose either” (John McClane)

“Time is the same for everyone. The rest depends on you.”

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“If you tolerate this, your children will be next.” (English proverb)

*

“The things happening inside your head isn’t real
until you do them.” (Grandpa)

(Image via EZ Harmonica)

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ROVER IS A CAT NAMED ‘WEEOW’

“It’s never over. You just don’t turn it on.”

I spent 37 months on crutches from of being run into by a pedestrian.

[FULL STORY HERE]

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I am an ‘oldtype’ — there’s nothing random about me.

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What random fact do YOU want me to have?

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All images by me! (Except two as shown.)

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