Four years

Sunday 13 July 2014, 12.01am HKT


 

sick piggybank

TO THINK that it’s been only four years to the day that I was let off crutches — a highly memorable ordeal for me that lasted 37 months and taught me a few things about the people of my town.

I rarely reblog the work of others and don’t like to repost my own stuff, but I should think some people needed reminding on a variety of things for a variety of reasons.

This post originally appeared on 15 July 2012, now updated with very slight editing touches to align with the demands of today’s over-(in)sensitive souls.

(Image via International Boarding & Pet Services)

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Why brothel creepers are rad’der than you think

Wednesday 23 October 2013, 8.17am HKT


P O P   C U L T U R E

SHOES are the thing that really sets off one generation from the rest of the other rodents.

white rockers creepers

Brothel creepers … a more risqué name there never was

(From my collection)

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Lifehack: Win your way through accents

Friday 9 August 2013, 7.47am HKT


THERE are two threads on my social feed going on right now about accents:—

“Ladies and gents, what foreign accents can you fake?
How good is the put-on?”

“What kind of accent would you like your partner to have?”

As you can see, they’re kind of interrelated.

I once offered 2½ quality-of-life-changing protips for enhancing your approachability for others (and vice versa):—

For women

french girls

Unknown French babes
Who cares about their names when they have personality?

Dead easy.

Just speeek wis a leettle Fren’ch accent.

Just some words; doesn’t ’ave to be a’ll.

Zer tri’ck iss zer soft Fren’ch ‘r’ (non-rhotic to the linguists). Zer Fren’ch “aah’r’uh.”

Zer subtle sh’rug an’d ewpen palms at bu(r)st level are compulsory gestures.

Persuasive looks:—

Square glasses, red lip-steee’k, coloured tights, pointy shoes and hat.

(French girls have less clothes in their closet, but everything is couture.
Pretty smart really.)

For men

germanic guys resized

Tough ‘cute’ men for all ladies
Jürgen Prochnow, Mathias Schweighöfer, Rutger Hauer, and Max von Sydow

Trickier to do.

Speak a Germanic accent.

The German accent is an acceptable and authorised English accent.

The best German accent is the it’s-there-but-not-annoying one just like from actor Jürgen Prochnow or the even fainter accent of Matthias Schweighöfer.

Robotic:— Arnold “I’ll Be Back” Schwarzenegger Austrian accent.

Verboten:— B-movie Panzer Division Stalag Luft Nr. 31 Jawohl-Herr-General German accent — it just sounds too psycho.

Eminently sexy:— The Dutch accent of the eminently sexy actor Rutger Hauer.

Avuncular:— The upper-class Swedish accent of Max von Sydow.

Rutger Hauer’s accent is especially appealing to women because they can’t tell if it’s French, Dutch or German (as I’ve been reliably informed by various kinds of chicks).

Persuasive looks:—

Titanium-rimmed square glasses, soft tan-coloured suede jacket, charcoal-grey jeans, black ankle dress boots.

Men, la deuxième partie (in front of American women)

delon reno

‘Worth-it’ men for the chicks: Alain Delon and Jean Reno

Ditch the Germanics.

Go for gold with the French accent.

Not Pink Panther Inspector Clouseau French accent (that’s an Englishman’s French accent).

Not François Truffaut’s (too challenging).

Speak like Alain Delon (romantic) or Jean Reno (manly).

Jean Reno’s is easier.

french girl vomits ratemyvomitdotcom

Result of over-attention to accents

(via Rate My Vomit)

Those insights clearly are worth their weight in gold. The invoice is in the mail.

*

Protips recycled from the post Clockenflap 2011 (2/3) of 22 Dec 2011.

Hat tip to the Hey-Ai group on Facebook here and here for the (re)inspiration.

Images: French women combo from images via Indian Girlz Fanz, Sodahead, Cheap Eyeglasses Blog, and Hairstyles GuruJürgen Prochnow via Germany.info ♦ Mathias Schweighöfer via Gofeminin.de ♦ Rutger Hauer via Fanpop ♦ Max von Sydow via WithFriendship.com ♦ Alain Delon via Cinemapassion.com ♦ Jean Reno via Wallpaperstock.net ♦ Vomiting French derp via ratemyvomit.com.

_____

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© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2013. (B13262)

Things I learnt on hitting 30

Thursday 25 July 2013, 8.09am HKT


NOTHING starts a conversation more than about ageing.

.

meme 30 years old in real life

(via lmaobruh)

No, not me. I’m considerably and irretrievably more than 30 down the road to hell and high water with piranhas and electric jellyfish swimming up my pantaloons.

Here’s what a friend of mine says through my social feed:—

Some things I’ve learnt since being 30…

i-m-not-30-i-m-only-2995-plus-tax

(via inaquarius.ro)

1. Breakfast doesn’t make you fat, DINNER does.

2. Family does come first.

3. The weekend are made for restand series.

4. Going out late means you’ll be home by 12am (ok … latest 1am).

5. Phones are for apps and games, but rarely used for actual calling.

.

30 zone sign

(via c4c)

6. The weather is NEVER nice to you … (too hot, too cold, too humid, too dry…)

7. You used to think when you wake up, that belly would disappear… but now it doesn’t.

8. Metabolism is no longer an internal function, you have to work for it.

9. My FB friends are all either, married, getting married, pregnant, had babies
or the ones that are “forever single.”

10. You can live without a phone, but you can’t live without WhatsApp.

button 18 with 12 years experience zazzledotcom

(via Zazzle)

11. A good night out is when you go home by 11pm, shower and in your bed by 12am.

12. Flats are your new best friends.

13. Makeup is not compulsory, skin care is.

14. Massages are a necessary part of a weekly routine.

15. PMS stands for pre- and post-menstrual … which means the entire month…

__________

Compatriots speaketh

“Welcome to this age tickbox, though I already forgot
what I observed when I was 30 because it’s bloody long time ago!”

“… I totally relate to this list…”

“LOL. And … life starts at 30.”

“Makes perfect sense at 30. Like #11.”

“At least 7–8 items describe me!!!”

“But didn’t you turn 30 like a few years ago?”

“Oh … and should add two more things…

16. Lazy to walk and prefer to take transport instead, even if a short distance.

17. Less eager (or dare not go on rides)…

“Been there, done that…”

“What about ‘Yeah, I am going to a party this weekend!’
actually means a baby’s 100th-day or birthday party
rather than an all-you-can-drink/dance/club party!”

“Forever single indeed!!!!!”

Stark naked reality checklist there. (Yours truly)

(hat tip to Clara for the feed)

__________

The Naked Listener’s Corollary

Your ability to pull chicks or studs (or both!) is now superseded by
your ability to pull the nearest waiter to get your food ordered.

*Groan*

__________

Could suck more, given half the chance

TO anyone out there who’s just turned 30 or in imminent danger of it, the ‘Dirty Thirties’ aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Then again, things could suck big time, thanks but no thanks to your forebears…

.

old young girl zara hartshorn 13yo

This is Zara Hartshorn of the UK in 2010

She’s not a middle-aged woman.

(via Jalwah)

old young girl zara hartshorn with mum

Zara with her mum in 2010

She was just 13 years old then, looking like this.

She has lipodystrophy, a genetic disease that makes her look far older.

She’s got good-looking arms though. Look!

(via Jalwah)

old young girl Zara Hartshorn in 2013

Zara’s sweet sixteen now.

Imagine no more about her possible cleavage.

I COULD just picture the horrific excitement of you lot of perverts out there about
MILFs and grannies with teen staying power.

Tsk, tsk, you dirty sods…

(via the Mirror of the UK)

__________

Draw your own fountain of youth, sooth or vermouth

Just so you newly reached (or even born-again) “Dirty Hairy” folks understand:–

.

keep calm you have 30 years

(via keepcalm-o-matic)

Or it could mean this—

.

condescending wonka 30 years old

(via quickmeme)

Your mileage may vary, and account for variable change.

Draw your own conclusions — or from your own fountain of youth, whichever is easier.

Or just settle on the vermouth and the thirtysometing teen porn, I guess.

_____

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© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2013. (B13246)


<< BACK TO PART 1

Continuing the explanation about the desperation to become lawyers…

limitless uk poster

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How to blow your cash and time on Earth (1)

Monday 6 May 2013, 6.40am HKT


Updated 07 MAY 2013 (typo fixes)

3.41am local time, 21°C (70°F), coolish with some drizzles

A 2-PART FEATURE

RECENTLY a discussion cropped up in my Facebook feed about the current pathways to becoming a lawyer in Hong Kong. Some people here just don’t seem to realise the consequences that those pathways entail in time, effort and money.

rosewood gavel

Hitting the nail on the head

Nailing the head, more like…

Read the rest of this entry »

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