Amended to fit in with the blog’s style and requirements (hah!):

Answer by The Naked Listener:

This question keeps showing up on my feed and it’s getting on my nerves (no offence to the asker, who is blameless for this), so I might as well answer it.

we will wok you

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The Year of the Horse isn’t a euphemism

Wednesday 12 February 2014, 3.40am HKT


The horse-head proposes

9pm local time, 8°C (45°F), overcast and chilly

THIS is my long-promised but SRSLY delayed Chinese New Fear Year post for the Year of the Woodchip Particleboard Horse.

The Chinese Year of the Wood Horse (Whores?) began a whole week ago last Friday (31 Jan) at 23h00 Hong Kong time (Thursday, 30 Jan, 16h00 UTC).

With that kind of delay, anybody could reasonable hit back that I might as well put out a 2014 Christmas post instead. Point taken.

Interestingly, the original ‘lede’ was to have been “Torommow will be…”

Yes, folks, ‘torommow’ is the latest Hong Kong spelling of ‘tomorrow.’ So now my readers are hip, flip and no blip in the hip-speak scene.

Like all Horse years, this year will be a year of horsetrading.

Dafuqizdat?

(Some words and pictures offensive to prudes, or exciting to w@nkers)

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Better a tourist than a disgrace like you

Monday 30 December 2013, 5.32am HKT


Hong Kong, 4.16am local time, 12°C (53°C)

I received the following email only minutes ago from a visitor to this blog, and I’m floored.

butthole surfer“I find your posts uneducated. You have a poor attitude to life. You are a bad example of the further destruction of our great Hong Kong culture and identity.

“You are just another tourist who came to live here but choose to take the side of equally pathetic foreigners.

“You do not write about the many good things of Hong Kong, which is one of the best cities in the world. You will not even write in your own mother language Chinese because you have not learned self-respect.

“You refer to yourself in some of your posts as a ‘Chinaman,’ which I need to remind you is a term of discrimination against the Chinese people used by foreigners who you love so much.”

‘Butthole Surfer’ (email, received 30 Dec 2013 at 04.10 hours HKT)

My reply:—

tnl my left ear“Dear Butthole Surfer,

YOU’RE AN IDIOT.

“Well, that’s just your opinion, man.

“As a true-blue Chinaman myself, you need to go to hell and don’t come back.

“You’re a disgrace.

Do you know what a f*ckface looks like? Get a mirror.

“在未來,請使用中文來寫 (‘In future, please write in Chinese’)

“Now pull up your knickers and go play with the wall socket.

“Merry Crisis and a Happy New Fear to you, c*nt.”

(Email sent 30 Dec 2013 at 04.11 hours HKT)

What a Billy-no-mates twat…

An ignoramus is what you get when you cross a dumbshit with an asshole.

My imaginary friend thinks Butthole Surfer has serious mental issues.

But according to my meds, that individual is simply a side effect.

I don’t insult people … I just describe them.

Some people are as useless as tits on a nun…

And if I get a response from this individual (and, trust me, the chances are actually quite high), tell me what I should say.

excuses for doing dumb shit via someecards

(Images via The Rumpus and someecards)

_____

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© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2013. (B13444)

That time again – Lunacy Festival!

Friday 20 September 2013, 5.50am HKT


10.35pm local time, 28°C (82°F), some rain patches

RIGHT ABOUT NOW, my funkless soulless siblings and niblings, it’s Midautumn Festival. That means the loonies are coming out of the woodwork tonight.

Let me tell you my own family’s understanding of this festival before everything goes to pot in the midst of time and Internet space.

chinese eight fifteen

(Shoutz and belated happy birthday to my longtime reader Ed H.)

Updates marked in red made on 2013-SEP-2013.

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How comfy is your family screwing you?

Monday 19 August 2013, 5.28am HKT


TOMORROW (19 Aug 2013) is the fifth anniversary of The Naked Listener’s Weblog on WordPress. Not more than half an hour ago, Life handed me something that most people in their right mind wouldn’t think of as a gift.

This broadcast is based on actual events.

Yes, folks, it’s a TL;DR rant. Skip it if you want. I preferred it if you didn’t though.

banana lick

(via Blessing Eremionkhale)

You could just as well call this post The Naked Listener’s Top 10 Lessons Learned From Family Members — because it’s that ‘deep.’

(Adult language follows — one-in-a-million occurrence from me.)

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Titanomachy and the ‘Three Spinsters and Six Cronies’

Saturday 10 August 2013, 10.14am HKT


REMINISCENCES: mental impressions retained and revived.

(Trust me, not a movie review, but instead a total recall.)

clash of the titans 1981 poster

“Clash of the Titans” (1981, MGM)

(via Movies Gone Moldy)

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