LOL, they’re actually selling THIS now…

Let’s hope Eddie the Non-IKEA Snömy gets royalties from the sales

Hate to say this, but this in all probability is going to be a mega hit in Japan — “The Land That Gave Us Weird Since 1957.”

There, retro death-metal porn grind rockers in Hello Kitty French maid’s uniforms will be masturbating WITH (not just ‘to’) this doll between now and Valentine’s Day. If all goes well, the Japanese will EXPORT it across Asia, suitably accompanied by psycho-porno anime and BDSM manga.

I think Eddie will be alarmed and psychologically disturbed by THAT more than the U.S. efforts to extradite him back.

The programs known collectively as “Co-Traveler” (leaked by Eddie) allow the National Insecurity Agency to track the inane locations of any insane mobile phone user in the world (currently 5,000 million phones daily).

This antic of theirs is just so fuxxing funny (almost equal in rank to a Mel Brooks caper) that it’s just uneffingbelievable in hilarity.

LOL, if they’re tracking me, they’ll have the exhilaration of knowing that my calls are mostly with government regulatory officials and assorted similar cattle talking about how American government officials keep effing up big time giving timely clearances to IPOs because we didn’t bribe (or not enough). LOL, no shit, boyo.

If they’re tracking my location, it’s office, McDonald’s, supermarket, office, home, bathroom, office, McDonald’s, supermarket… I could keep going at a faster rate, just to fill up their expensive hard drives. Could I f**k (Londonspeak for “Could I f**cking ever”).

*ROFLMAO* *Snorg* *Tears streaming from my eyes*

(I can’t effing stop laughing as I write this, by the way.)

Otherwise, they could tap into my phone camera (if I had a smartphone) and basically see what could be summed up by this mug—

Read the ‘over-constructive’ International Business Times story “How NSA Collect Location Data From 5 Billion Cellphones Every Day [Video].”

That story could’ve been better re-headlined as “How NSA Self-Pwns From Collecting 5 Billion Cellphone Locations With Ultra-Repeating Patterns.”

*ROFLMAO*

Marketing protip to the NSA: Rename your programs “Co-Spender” and export it. Support “Made in the USA” and help American technology earn export dollars.

(Clearly somebody at the NSA is a hardcore Mel Brooks fan…)

Images via c4c.

_____

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© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2013. (B13419)

Orz

FEELING DEPRESSED? Frustrated? Hopeless? Remorseful?

Are you feeling defeated?

Did the bastards grind you down?

Then start using ‘orz‘ to express that feeling!

Probably not much seen in Westerners’ web writing and communication, orz is one of theose emoticons or net-slangs more often seen in Far East Asia. Indeed, Asian Facebookers often litter their status updates with ‘orz‘ (and other lulz-inducing gibberish) and it can be quite frustrating to fathom what they’re saying if you aren’t hip to orz.

Orz?

Orz is the emoticon of someone on their hands and knees, head down — probably banging it on the floor. Most emoticons instead denote facial expressions, such as :) (for ‘smiles’) or >_< (for ‘unpleased’), so this one is quite a bit different from the rest.

You use orz to show you’re feeling hopeless or defeated or have given up something (usually as a result of your own failure). You can also use it to show your frustration towards others (similar to facepalm).

(Hmm, headfloor just doesn’t seem to have the same cachet as orz now.)

Responsible for giving us orz was The Land That Gave Us Weird Since 1957 (a.k.a. Japan). Lots of Japanese films, TV shows and mangas show characters kneeling on the ground in defeat.

As the saying goes, “Don’t let the bastards grind you down,” but if you HAVE BEEN ground down by the bastards, this is how you’d feel.

You gotta hand it to Japanese creativeness for inventing something so small like orz to express that posture.

Variations of orz are OTL, OTZ, ORL, O7Z, _|7O, STO, Sto and JTO, but none of them are as famous as orz.

Orz should not be confused with m(_ _)m, which means ‘thank you’ or an apology.

Unlike text memes such as *facepalm*, *headdesk* or the older-fashioned *grin* or some other brain-damaged crap enclosed in two asterisks, orz is used on its own with no embellishments.

Some rules of usage (to show your hip to it and avoidance of embarrassment):

Dude I just lost a bet orz. (No final comma needed.)

I left my gf’s house with blue balls orz

I’m sad orz

I failed the test orz

Why does everyone hate me so much? Orz

Hello! Orz are *dance” with the *silly cows* at the *party*! Is it time to *squirt*?

If you are to use capitals, use OTZ or OTL instead, but it looks better in orz.

Orz can be used as a suffix to add emphasis to a word, mostly on the last word of the sentence. That usage was most common during the great Pie and Waffle wars on TGS (The Gamer Studio, a video gaming site).

Person 1: omg! u have wafflesorz!
Person 2: yeah my waffles roffles your soxorz
Person 1: i bow to your mighty soxorz!

How orz spread

The prototype ASCII art ＿|￣|○ was first used in 2002 on a Japanese website called Techside.net. A poster there asked about a cable, and typed  ＿|￣|○ to show a cable and its cover. People thought it looked more like a person in supplication instead. From then on, it spread across Japanese blogs and forums like Futaba Channel, becoming used in jest to convey frustration or despair.

Pretty soon the creative types managed to convert  ＿|￣|○ into the eminently typeable orz and OTL.

In 2003, the Korean web (through the imageboard DCInside) and then the Chinese web got hold of orz, and never looked back.

If you have Asian friends, sooner or later you’ll start seeing orz on their Facebook updates and in their inane blogposts, and even general communication.

I didn’t want to ask, so I only realised the meaning a long time afterwards orz…

“Don’t let the bastards grind you down!”

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011. Images via Know Your Meme.

Things to beguile the charmless (Part 4: final)

(Continued from Part 3)

Updated 2011/12/04 for corrected typos. (You’re fired. — Editor)

IT IS SAID that charming people need no ‘extraordinary assistance’ from the likes of charms.

But for those whose charm and luck tend to be variable and usually considerably less than 100% on a daily basis, charms provide that necessary and requisite illusion of assistance.

Disclaimer: I have no association with any of the firms mentioned, so it’s not some kind of sneaky commercial plug for them. So there.

* * *

The Naked Listener’s own lineup

Honestly, I’d love to show you a picture of my charm bracelet, but I haven’t been dealing with it for quite some years now and can’t remember where I stashed it.

(Well, actually, I think I do know, but might be a bit of a chore to get it out from the bottom drawer.)

♥

What I have now

1. an angel (for Los Angeles)
2. a stylised exploding grenade (for my regiment)
3. a silver heart with a Manx cross (can’t remember what for)
4. a merlion (for my first-ever trip away: to Singapore)
5. a moneybag (for Hong Kong, my birthplace: see photo below)
6. a turtle (for my first pet)
7. five Chilean skull beads (for printing work: hard to explain why)
8. a jade rabbit (to represent my rabbit-like feet)
9. a set of red, white and blue trollbeads

I promise to show you a picture when I get round to it.

My beloved moneybag charm, goldplated solid sterling silver, nearly a full inch (25mm) in length, representing the money and the goddamn bag of tricks of Hong Kong, where I was born.

This charm was easier to do a photoshoot on: it’s kept in a Grether’s Pastilles tin next to my seat.

(Wonderful, so every potential burglar round the world knows this too now.)

(via VfG Versandapotheke of Austria)

Funny thing, though, every person I know who owns a charm bracelet usually keep it in a Grether’s Pastille tin. There, another epic tip for potential burglars. *Groan*

♥ ♥ ♥

Looking for

(in alphabetical order)

BTW, carat (ct) is for diamonds and gems, but karat (kt) for gold. Don’t get this wrong, as many jewellers keep doing.

A brain, to represent my birdbrain mind.

(Above: US$79.95 from Pnut Jewelry.)

♥

A cruiseliner, for the S.S. President Lincoln on which we sailed away from the USA in 1971. I still remember quizzing the ship’s chief medical officer whether he was able to see what I was thinking. Sailing right across the Pacific Ocean, the trip had been one of the happiest and saddest times of my life.

Shown:
Above: Cruiseliner, 9kt solid gold, 1.6 g, 26×7mm, £82.42, from Inspirations in Gold.
Below: Galleon, 9kt solid gold, 2.7 g, 17×18mm, £122.54, from same.

Alternative? A galleon

The S.S. President Lincoln was built in 1961 for American President Lines and served in commercial trades for her entire service life before being turned over to the U.S. Maritime Administration (MARAD) in 1979 and placed into the U.S. Navy’s Ready Reserve Fleet (RRF).

Under government ownership, she was renamed S.S. Lincoln and relocated to Suisun Bay in northern California where she sat for 31 years awaiting a call-up for service in case of national emergency.

She was towed to BAE Systems drydock around 2009 and a hull inspection found her hull below the waterline to be perilously unsound.

She was finally sold for scrapping and removed from the RRF in April 2011. The S.S. Lincoln was undocked from BAE Systems drydock on 5th May 2011 and hastily towed to Mare Island, about 23 miles (37 km) northeast of San Francisco, immediately drydocked and readied for scrapping.

>> What a complete goddamn waste of a brilliant ship. <<

♥

An ear, to represent this blog.

(Picture unrelated | via)

♥

A giraffe, to represent my birthyear. (Hey, I go by a different system. Just sayin’…)

Above:
Left: Giraffe, 9kt solid gold, 1.8 g, 18×15mm, £90.83, from Inspirations in Gold.
Right: Giraffe, sterling silver, 1.5 g, ¾×½in, US$19.95, from Africa 7 Hills Mall.

♥

A goldfish (or koi), for Mum. Too hard to explain.

Above:
Fish in 9kt solid gold, 2.5 g, 25×11mm, £135.49. Silver version £14.21, from Inspirations in Gold.

♥

The Ankh, the symbol of life, for my first love, which was archaeology/Egyptology, before biology, psychology, law and every damn thing got in the way. I’m game for anything ancient Egyptian.

Above:
Hieroglyphic Ankh charm/pendant, sterling silver, US$21.99, from The Mystic Corner.

♥

A hamster or some sort of rodent. For my second pet.

Above:
An extremely rare, extremely collectable vintage sterling silver charm of a hamster in a wheel. Wheel turns and the silver gilt hamster moves around inside. Excellent vintage condition, 5.2 g, 19×17mm, £68, from True Vintage Jewellery UK.

♥

Queen Nefertiti of ancient Egypt (according to the  3,300-year-old Nefertiti bust currently in the Neues Museum in Berlin) was the spitting image (exact likeness) of my maternal grandmother, daughter of the last penultimate Imperial Scholar to the Court of the Celestial Empire of China.

Above:
Nefertiti charm, sterling silver, satin and diamond cut with filigree crown, satin and slightly hollowed backside, 1.6 g, 17×18×2mm, US$28.95, from Africa 7 Hills Mall.

Above:
Nefertiti charm, double-sided, 9kt gold, 18×40mm, made in Italy, £89, from Jewellery.tv.

♥ ♥ ♥

For places lived

For Brazil (sun), England (rose/teabag) and France (cockrell).

Above:
Sun, antiqued silver, 10mm, handmade by Beth Hemmila of Reno, Nevada, USA.
Tudor rose of York, sterling silver, US$22, via Getprice.com.
Teabag, sterling silver, 4.2 g, 23×11mm, £14.50, from The Charm Works.
Cockrell, 9kt solid gold, 2.1 g, 16×11mm, £93, from Inspirations in Gold.

♥

For Italy (boot/harlequin), Hawaii (surfboard) and Japan (torii 鳥居).

Above:
Riding boot, 10kt gold, 16mm, US$120 via Amazon.
Venetian harlequin mask, sterling silver, 22mm, US$25, from Amanda Jo.
Surfboard, sterling silver, 19mm, handmade in Indonesia, US$2.50, from India Silver.
Torii, enamelled silver, 19×12×1mm, from Treasure Island Jewelry.

♥

For Germany (beerstein), Lebanon (tree/cypress tree) and Malaysia (tiger).

Above:
Beerstein, 9kt solid gold, 15×15mm, £176.14, from Inspirations in Gold.
Cypress tree, sterling silver, 1.7 g, 13×13mm, US$4.81, from Charm Factory.
Tree, sterling silver, handcrafted, 13×18mm, US$9.07, from Cathy Dailey.
Tiger, 9kt solid gold, 28×13mm, £221.56, from Inspirations in Gold.

♥

And, of course, a streetcar named ‘Desire’ for San Francisco!

Above:
Streetcar, sterling silver, US$19.99, via eBay.

♥ ♥ ♥

For kicks

A flying bird for my onetime nickname (‘Birdie’). My nick is now just ‘Spanky Pants’ and not really funny.

The cow jumping over the moon is for my first nursery rhyme, I kid you not.

Above:
Flying bird, 9kt solid gold, 1.4 g, 22×22mm, £62.16, from Inspirations in Gold.
Cow jumps over the moon, 9kt solid gold, 13×10mm, £65.04, from same place.

♥

The flying penis is, well, for the English phrase “I don’t give a flying f@#k!”

The stag is for the inescapable kick in the goolies after saying that.

Above:
Flying penis, 9kt solid gold, £168, from Inspirations in Gold.
Stag, 9kt solid gold, 3.4 g, 12×18mm, £164.07. From same place.

♥

Hickory Dickory Dock is another favourite nursery rhyme of mine, though in early days I recited it as “Biggery Dickory Cock.”

The jaguar is for my first motorcar, a hand-me-down from Aunt Gracie.

Above:
Hickory Dickory Dock, 9kt solid gold, 1 g, 13×6mm, £38.
Jaguar, flat, 9kt solid gold, 1.4 g, 24×13mm, £65.41.
Both from Inspirations in Gold.

♥

An oil lamp really describes my line of work to a tee — plenty of overnight shifts. Burning the midnight oil…

The plum is literally my name — Lee means ‘plum’ in Chinese.

And what a coincidence too — my name gets associated with overnight work symbols more times than not.

Above:
Oil lamp, 9kt solid gold, 22×12mm, £108.39.
Plum, 9kt solid gold, 13×6mm, £75.31.
Both from Inspirations in Gold.

♥

The robin on a log is a play on a username I once had at work (‘roblog’).

The tortoise with top hat and cane is for that oddball tortoise that crawled out of nowhere and onto my front lawn one wintery morning in London. It stayed on the lawn for hours, so I took it in when snow started falling. It stayed with me for a whole winter and crawled back out to the nowhere it came from when warm weather set in.

Above:
Robin on a log, 9kt solid gold, 2 g, 13×14mm, £82.14.
Tortoise with top hat and cane, 9kt solid gold, 2 g, 17×12mm, £103.78.
Both from Inspirations in Gold.

♥ ♥ ♥

Yank my chain

Of course, I also want a replacement bracelet chain in sterling silver because mine broke. Naturally, I’m happy to settle for 9kt gold. All contributions gratefully accepted.

(Like hell anyone’s gonna buy anything for me…)

♥ ♥ ♥

Here’s a little story

‘I WANNA WATCH’

Single Man lives in the suburbs and has two stunning lesbians
living next door.

Almost every night, Single Man could see
(and sometimes hear) the two birds
‘cooking their tacos’
through the bedroom window.

One fine day, Single Man perks up the courage
and says to one of the girls:

“I wanna watch.”

“You will,” says the lady, “you will for sure,”
with a twinkle in her bunny-blue eyes
and a suggestive smile on her rosy cheeks.

On the Single Man’s birthday a year later,
the lesbians gave him a Rolex.

Do you wanna watch or a Rolex?

♥

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011. All image sources as indicated in text.