My ‘suckeriferous’ vanity fannybag

Thursday 19 July 2012, 4.57am HKT

I AM so suckeriferously vain — as if you haven’t got enough of it already.

One of the 300-plus cool sites/blogs that I follow has moved me to the point of disgorging more ‘facts’ about myself (albeit in the comments section).

“International Woman of Mystery”
I’ll be waiting/with a gun and a pack of sandwiches

What weird little list of achievements have racked up (or even wracked over) so far? Any that moved mountains, or just the coffee table? Do any show that you’re still doing something?


So without further gilding of the lilies, here they are:—

1. I’ve kissed a guy on the lips passionately just to scare him off (it did)

2. Eaten fried AND roasted crickets (they tasted like chicken, actually)

3. Finished a 40-mile combat course in undulating land within 24 hours

4. Gambled at the roulette tables in Monaco, big time (and won!)

5. Got lost in an English forest (and feels I’m still there)

6. Mooned at a passing car (and nearly caused the driver to crash!)

7. Carried out a live (human) birth in a taxi

8. Somebody died in my arms

9. Survived two bomb blasts in London

10. Passed through one full riot (by accident)

11. Was in a ‘heroic’ evacuation from a nighttime military invasion (as a civilian)

12. … and lived through countless pointless business meetings!


Gee-whiz, I never banked on anyone saying this about me:—

“Holy crud, dude. You should teach classes in awesomeness: ‘How to Be The Coolest, 101’.”

Deploying shamelessly shameful self-pwnage thermonuclear nostalgiabomb.

(You’re fired. Is there no end to your vanity?—Editor)



© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012 (B12227). Image via Groupies Unite.

My Geek Code

Monday 2 January 2012, 12.01am HKT

THIS is my Geek Code block according to The Code of the Geeks v3.12:

GAT$ d++(-) s-:-(—:—) a14 c(+) U— P L E W++@ N+++(+) o K w+ O+ M(+) V+ PS+ PE Y+ PGP t+(-) 5+(5) X+ R* tv+ b+ DI++ D+(D) G e++ h* r+% y+++++**

Like all things geeky, you’re forced to decode manually there — a Nineties drag in this day and age. Srsly.


La veste moto blanche, taille 6 américaine

Fair warning: I’m no geek. The only geeks I like are those who are:

  • female
  • tattooed
  • able to fit into a USA Size 6 white leather biker jacket with flowing fringes
  • wear French or German eyeglasses
  • not averse to riding a motorbike at the back
  • … or in the front
  • not piss-proud about being young and nubile
  • … or self-conscious about being middle-aged
  • …. or self-deprecating about being old
  • not fussy about showing a bit of ‘skin’ (wrinkled or otherwise)
  • … or about me being fussy about my ‘chicks’
  • appreciative of my definition of ‘chicks’ cover all possible [adult] ages


Timesaving decoder for you lazy dopes:


Geek of All Trades who can do anything and everything. And, luckily, gets paid for it.


I tend to wear conservative dress such as a business suit (or, worse, a tie) but I’m mostly in jeans (though not T-shirt). In short, smart casual.


In physical appearance, I look up (physically) to most people, and everyone tells me to gain a few pounds. Sometimes I take a phone directory with me when I go out so I can see to eat dinner. My bones are poking through my skin.


I am perennially 14 years old.


Computers are fun and I enjoy using them. I play a mean game of DOOM! and can use a wordprocessor without resorting to the manual too often. I know that a 3½-inch diskette is not a hard drive. I also know that when it says “Press any key to continue,” I don’t have to look for a key labelled “ANY.”


Unix geeks are actually nerds in disguise.


I know Perl exists, but that’s all.


I know what Linux is, but that’s about all.


Yeah, I know what emacs is, but don’t use it as my regular editor.


I have a homepage/website (this one!). I surf daily. But my homepage isn’t advertised in my .signature.


I read so many newsgroups that the next batch of news comes in before I finish reading the last batch, and I have to read for about 2 hours straight before I’m caught up on the morning’s news. Then there’s the afternoon… Because of all that, I read news recreationally when I have some time to kill.


I’ve submitted a question to Usenet Oracle, but it has never been incarnated.


I know who Kibo is.


For Micro$haft Windows, I have installed my own custom sounds, wallpaper and screensavers so my PC walks and talks like a fun house. Oh yeah, I have a hundred TrueType founts that I’ve installed but never used. I never lose Minesweeper and Solitaire.


As to the OS/2 operating system, I keep a DOS partition on my hard drive “just in case.” I’m afraid to try HPFS.


I use a Mac quite often. It has its uses, but I’m pretty indifferent about it.


I tend to like VMS operating system from DEC better than Unix.


In politics and social issues, my whole concept of liberalism is that nobody has the right to tell anybody else what to do, on either side of the political fence. If you don’t like it, turn the bloody channel.


In political and economic issues, distrust both government and business. Because I work with both on a daily basis.


As to cypherpunks, I have an interest and concern in privacy issues, but in reality I am not really all that active or vocal.


I’ve used PGP, but stopped long ago.


Star Trek: It’s a damn fine TV show and is one of the only things good on television anymore. Maybe it’s just me, but I have no idea what the big deal is with Star Trek. Perhaps I’m missing something.


Babylon 5 certainly presents a fresh perspective in the sci-fi universe. I watch it, but I’m pretty indifferent to it.


The X-Files: I’ve converted my family and watch the show when I remember. It’s really kinda fun.


Role-playing games: I thought life WAS role-playing…


I watch some TV every day.


I enjoy reading, but don’t get the time very often.


I work with people who act a lot like Dilbert and his boss.


Doom: It’s a fun action game that’s a nice diversion on a lazy afternoon, but I’m pretty indifferent to it.


I know what the Geek Code is and even did up this code.


Got a bachelor’s degree. Geeks are distinct from lower lifeforms known as nerds (or even ‘nolife’). They have things to do that are in the outside world.


Housing: I’m not sure where I live anymore. The workplace seems like home to me.


date frequently, bouncing from one relationship to another. (I wish! Being bounced around is a more realistic description.)


Sex: I am Madonna, and I’ve been known to make perverts look like angels.


The Geek Code is copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996 by Robert A. Hayden.

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012. Bracelet image via GadgetSin.

The Doo-Wop Oldies Quiz – answers

Friday 8 July 2011, 12.01am HKT

Here are the answers to yesterday’s The Doo-Wop Oldies Quiz.

Answers are in red. Scoring details at the bottom.

1. When did ”Little Suzie” finally wake up?

  • (a) The movie’s over, it’s 2 o’clock
  • (b) The movie’s over, it’s 3 o’clock
  • (c) The movie’s over, it’s 4 o’clock

2. ”Rock Around the Clock” was used in which movie?

  • (a) Rebel Without A Cause
  • (b) Blackboard Jungle
  • (c) The Wild Ones

3. What’s missing from a Rock ‘n’ Roll standpoint? Earth _____

  • (a) Angel
  • (b) Mother
  • (c) Worm

4. ”I found my thrill _____” where?

  • (a) Kansas City
  • (b) Heartbreak Hotel
  • (c) Blueberry Hill

5. ”Please turn on your magic beam, _____ bring me a dream”:

  • (a) Mr. Sandman
  • (b) Earth Angel
  • (c) Dream Lover

6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?

  • (a) Atlantic
  • (b) RCA
  • (c) Sun

7.. He asked, ”Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me?” Who was he?

  • (a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
  • (b) Charlie Brown
  • (c) Buster Brown

8. In Bobby Darin’s ”Mack The Knife,” the one with the knife, was named:

  • (a) MacHeath
  • (b) MacCloud
  • (c) MacNamara

9. Name the song with ”A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.”

  • (a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
  • (b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
  • (c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ”Rock and Roll”?

  • (a) Dick Clark
  • (b) Wolfman Jack
  • (c) Alan Freed

11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:

  • (a) Little Richard
  • (b) Frankie Lymon
  • (c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka’s ”Puppy Love” is written to which star?

  • (a) Brenda Lee
  • (b) Connie Francis
  • (c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers are…

  • (a) Pete and Dick
  • (b) Don and Phil
  • (c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper’s real name was:

  • (a) Jiles P. Richardson
  • (b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr
  • (c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy Jr started a small record company called _____.

  • (a) Decca
  • (b) Cameo
  • (c) Motown

16. Edd Brynes had a hit with ”Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb.” What TV show was he on?

  • (a) 77 Sunset Strip
  • (b) Hawaiian Eye
  • (c) Surfside Six

17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:

  • (a) Carol Lynley
  • (b) Sandra Dee
  • (c) Natalie Wood

18. They were a one hit wonder with ”Book Of Love”:

  • (a) The Penguins
  • (b) The Monotones
  • (c) The Moonglows

19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ”Till I _____ You.”

  • (a) Loved
  • (b) Kissed
  • (c) Met

20. Chuck Berry sang ”Oh, _____, why can’t you be true?”

  • (a) Suzie Q
  • (b) Peggy Sue
  • (c) Maybelline

21. ”Wooly _____”

  • (a) Mammouth
  • (b) Bully
  • (c) Pully

22. ”I’m like a one-eyed cat _____”

  • (a) can’t go into town no more
  • (b) sleepin’ on a cold hard floor
  • (c) peepin’ in a seafood store

23. ”Sometimes I wonder what I’m gonna do _____”

  • (a) cause there ain’t no answer for a life without booze
  • (b) cause there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues
  • (c) cause my car’s gassed up and I’m ready to cruise

24. ”They often call me Speedo, but my real name is _____.”

  • (a) Mr. Earl
  • (b) Jackie Pearl
  • (c) Milton Berle

25. ”You’re my Fanny and nobody else’s _____.”

  • (a) girl
  • (b) butt
  • (c) love

26. ”I want you to play with my _____.”

  • (a) heart
  • (b) dreams
  • (c) ding a ling

27. ”Be Bop A Lula _____.”

  • (a) she’s got the rabies
  • (b) she’s my baby
  • (c) she loves me, maybe

28. ”Fine Love, Fine Kissing _____.”

  • (a) right here
  • (b) fifty cents
  • (c) just for you

29. ”He wore black denim trousers and _____.”

  • (a) a pink carnation
  • (b) pink leotards
  • (c) motorcycle boots

30. ”I got a gal named _____.”

  • (a) Jenny Zamboni
  • (b) Gerri Mahoney
  • (c) Boney Maroney


25-30 correct answers
You’re definitely an oldies fan. You’re too old to die but too young to flame out.

15-25 correct answers
You’re a basket case in-betweener: you know enough not to look stupid in company of oldies fans.

5-15 correct answers
You’ve tried hard (really hard), and we should congratulate your ability to Google.

5 or fewer correct answers
You’re definitely a newfag (i.e. born after 1990) or born brain dead, which comes to the same thing.


(via Fred L.)

© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2011.

Images: Doo-Wop graphic via ♦ Doo-Wop diner by ChristieNJ via

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