How to get cool friends

Sunday 27 April 2014, 2.35am HKT

9.44pm local time, 25°C (77°F), warm and rainy

finger friends via

(Photo: unknown, originally at, via &

YOU might believe me when I tell you that this post had been left forgotten in draft mode since 24 Jan 2009 — till now.

Of course, this is a none-too-subtle hint to some ‘friends’ of mine in the Outernet (i.e. real life).

Read the rest of this entry »

Lifehack: Win your way through accents

Friday 9 August 2013, 7.47am HKT

THERE are two threads on my social feed going on right now about accents:—

“Ladies and gents, what foreign accents can you fake?
How good is the put-on?”

“What kind of accent would you like your partner to have?”

As you can see, they’re kind of interrelated.

I once offered 2½ quality-of-life-changing protips for enhancing your approachability for others (and vice versa):—

For women

french girls

Unknown French babes
Who cares about their names when they have personality?

Dead easy.

Just speeek wis a leettle Fren’ch accent.

Just some words; doesn’t ’ave to be a’ll.

Zer tri’ck iss zer soft Fren’ch ‘r’ (non-rhotic to the linguists). Zer Fren’ch “aah’r’uh.”

Zer subtle sh’rug an’d ewpen palms at bu(r)st level are compulsory gestures.

Persuasive looks:—

Square glasses, red lip-steee’k, coloured tights, pointy shoes and hat.

(French girls have less clothes in their closet, but everything is couture.
Pretty smart really.)

For men

germanic guys resized

Tough ‘cute’ men for all ladies
Jürgen Prochnow, Mathias Schweighöfer, Rutger Hauer, and Max von Sydow

Trickier to do.

Speak a Germanic accent.

The German accent is an acceptable and authorised English accent.

The best German accent is the it’s-there-but-not-annoying one just like from actor Jürgen Prochnow or the even fainter accent of Matthias Schweighöfer.

Robotic:— Arnold “I’ll Be Back” Schwarzenegger Austrian accent.

Verboten:— B-movie Panzer Division Stalag Luft Nr. 31 Jawohl-Herr-General German accent — it just sounds too psycho.

Eminently sexy:— The Dutch accent of the eminently sexy actor Rutger Hauer.

Avuncular:— The upper-class Swedish accent of Max von Sydow.

Rutger Hauer’s accent is especially appealing to women because they can’t tell if it’s French, Dutch or German (as I’ve been reliably informed by various kinds of chicks).

Persuasive looks:—

Titanium-rimmed square glasses, soft tan-coloured suede jacket, charcoal-grey jeans, black ankle dress boots.

Men, la deuxième partie (in front of American women)

delon reno

‘Worth-it’ men for the chicks: Alain Delon and Jean Reno

Ditch the Germanics.

Go for gold with the French accent.

Not Pink Panther Inspector Clouseau French accent (that’s an Englishman’s French accent).

Not François Truffaut’s (too challenging).

Speak like Alain Delon (romantic) or Jean Reno (manly).

Jean Reno’s is easier.

french girl vomits ratemyvomitdotcom

Result of over-attention to accents

(via Rate My Vomit)

Those insights clearly are worth their weight in gold. The invoice is in the mail.


Protips recycled from the post Clockenflap 2011 (2/3) of 22 Dec 2011.

Hat tip to the Hey-Ai group on Facebook here and here for the (re)inspiration.

Images: French women combo from images via Indian Girlz Fanz, Sodahead, Cheap Eyeglasses Blog, and Hairstyles GuruJürgen Prochnow via ♦ Mathias Schweighöfer via ♦ Rutger Hauer via Fanpop ♦ Max von Sydow via ♦ Alain Delon via ♦ Jean Reno via ♦ Vomiting French derp via



© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2013. (B13262)

Social sins to avoid for fun and profit (2/2)

Monday 3 September 2012, 12.30am HKT


CONTINUING our fact-filled, fun-loving overview of social absurdistanisms committed by turd-breathed aficionados of the bubble-living life:—



GAFFE: Asking for leads all the time, especially in public view and at the outset.

WHY: Go see an agency! Some of you are so naff that, the moment you become friends with us, you almost immediately ask for job or other leads. You’re desperate. You’re overwhelmed with the prospect of not being able to pay the rent or feed yourself or have a place to get laid. We know — we’re in the same boat too! This gaffe isn’t limited only to jobs.

MESSAGE:This is a business relationship and you’re no good to me if my knowing you doesn’t lead to a job, house, etc.” We could say the same thing about you though. Get my drift?

RED FLAGS: 60% online, 40% real life:—

  1. 5 minutes after friending, Whore-Bore sends a message about a jobhunt
  2. 2 hours later, Whore-Bore sends another message to move in with you
  3. 3 days later, Whore-Boar asks for a personal loan “to fly to this place for a job interview”
  4. “I’m pretty sure you know someone who’s hiring, etc”
  5. “What do you mean you don’t know, have nothing, etc?!”
  6. “You mean to tell me I went through this for that?!”
  7. “I know you can do it for me
  8. “Where can I find a job that pays well with a light workload?”
  9. “I don’t want to do this unless I get payment or it’s not worth my while
  10. a jobhunt specification sheet that rivals NASA’s for astronauts

I’m not joking — these are f@cking real.

FIX YOURSELF: Offer some no-strings-attached advice or help first. Over time, you’ll land a job. Or a place to private enough to do your own handjobs in.

Read the dedicated on this behaviour



GAFFE: Using other people’s space, time, etc, to market yourself.

WHY: Don’t market yourself on anybody’s space, time, website, etc. Don’t even appear to be doing that. You’re taking liberties. You’re taking people for a ride. You step on people’s toes. You insult people’s intelligence and good grace. You’re taking yourself out of the loop faster than a hairy transvestite whore in a latex corset going down on an undercover cop on his day off.

MESSAGE: “I’m a freeloader.” “Social networking is for me to share your space as my marketing billboard.” “You’re fair game, buddy.” Runtery, in a word.

RED FLAGS: 40% online, 60% real life:—

  1. accept Darth AnalVader‘s friend request and within 2 seconds he writes self-promo crap on your Facebook wall: “My name is Adam Henry and I am a space invader to help people to invade Uranus” (geddit? Ur-anus?)
  2. Darf Analraider butts in your conversation (especially without apologising): “I can help you with that”
  3. instead of a 5-second pitch in a lift, Barf Analspacer won’t let go of your arm (or balls) and give a 10-minute lecture in the lift
  4. “I am the best available resource you have before you”
  5. Larf Analsayer puts in links in blog comments about other services or your own
  6. “soloing techniques”
  7. ‘knocking’ marketing techniques

FIX YOURSELF: Find a way to get invited to do your thing on their space, time or whatever first. If you are writing for somebody, then it’s okay to do a short bio in the footnote. Otherwise, don’t muscle in on other people’s action. Naff extraordinaire.



GAFFE: Constantly talking about benefits vs. drawbacks, especially in monetary terms.

WHY: If there’s one thing more offensive than listening to a Wall Street guy talk, it is to hear a non-Wall Street person talk like a bloody walking balance sheet about non-monetary things. We can do cost-benefit analysis on you too, you know.

MESSAGE: “I use people.” You’re cunning. You’re calculating. You’re greedy. You’re riding people just for the money. You see nothing besides the lowest common denominator (which I dubbed “the lowest common daemonator“). Srsly, that’s just offensive. In a word, jealousy.

RED FLAGS: 50% online, 50% real life, 101% trouble:—

  1. advantages vs. disadvantages, especially about things that have no such clear-cut boundaries (e.g. divorce, adoptions, having kids)
  2. advantages of own interests vs. disadvantages of the interests of others
  3. rationalising own choices vs. knocking the choices of others
  4. continually mentioning the prices of this or that
  5. “I derive benefits from living at home” (oh god!)
  6. continually comparing if one thing (say, one person’s language) is better or worse than another
  7. continually comparing the relative ages of people getting into certain jobs
  8. continually comparing the relative hierarchies of jobs
  9. continually comparing the relative benefits and security of job positions
  10. all of the above before even getting close to entering those sectors

FIX YOURSELF: Compare how well you will have done without comparing and how badly you are doing now with it. Stop comparing things. Whenever we see you compare intangibles, our first reaction is you’re also comparing us — very, very judgmental. Is this what you want us to do to you? Compare the alternatives.

REMARKS: You’re just green with jealousy about everything. Why else would you keep up this comparing? You compare because you don’t have the balls. If you have any, they’re probably shrunken and dried up anyway. So you do the next best thing available: shrivelled-up miscomparisons.

Making comparisons gives you no advantage because your comparisons are mostly circular and lead to nowhere. There’s no advantage to your economic, monetary or employment well-being because you’re not even ‘there’ yet.

The disadvantages to you are enormous:—

  1. you lose us
  2. you lose out
  3. no feedback for you about whether your comparisons are ringing true or not
  4. we secretly told your incestuous parents that you’re treating them like a meal ticket



GAFFE: You ask questions all the time but won’t allow others to ask you back.

WHY: It’s not limited to asking for advice. It’s just asking questions all the time. What’s worse is the Askhole puts the query nearly always in the same format. This unlovely trait goes hand in hand with being stiff. The only mental agility shown by the Askhole is in coming up with endless permutations of the same stupid questions.

MESSAGE: “You’re nothing more than a walking dictionary, thesaurus, reference book, etc, to me. I use you at my convenience and whim.” Then your mewling quim of a face needs to be bashed in.

RED FLAGS: All the goddamn time everywhere and anywhere:—

  1. no initiative to contact you
  2. not 2 minutes into a conversation, you’re asked for advice
  3. not 2 messages in, you’re facing some kind of query
  4. the query is nearly always in the same format for the last 4 years
  5. “I need some advice” — but you’re never told what the advice is for
  6. the queries are always in the 35- to 50-word range, hardly ever longer
  7. your responses to the Askhole are always nearly the length of a treatise
  8. the moment you put a question to the Askhole, he clams up completely
  9. give a constructive answer, it’s ignored completely or not read it at all
  10. give a offhand answer, the Askhole complains “you don’t give a shit”
  11. you get the nagging feeling the Askhole is farming you for midterm essay answers
  12. the Askhole pretends his language skills aren’t up to par with your answer, so that forces you to explain and re-explain things

FIX YOURSELF: It’s a stretch, but try telling the Askhole to just stop the faggotry and behave like a normal person for at least 5 minutes a day. That might just make it possible for others to hire the Askhole as an overnight janitor in a cow-dung recycling plant.

REMARK: I can’t honestly see a fix for runts like them, mainly because it’s so much in their dirty inborn (and inbred) character to play mindgames.

PROTIP: Immediate Action: use the Enron comeback on these people:—

by Jeffrey Skilling, CEO and COO, Enron Corporation, ca. 1999–2000






© The Naked Listener’s Weblog, 2012. (B12273)

Images: “Call me a slut” via | “You can’t sit with us” via The Goldin Chyld | Balance Sheet via Small Business Finance Tips | Askhole via Vintage Metal Art | “Enron: ask why, asshole” via Psychobabblepress.

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